air  of  Sixes 


7ASD  PEPLE 


SAMUEL  FRENCH,  25  West  45th  St..  New  York 


THE  CHARM  SCHOOL 

Comedy  in  3  acts.  By  Alice  Duer  Miller  and  Robert 
Milton.  Produced  originally  at  the  Bijou  Theatre  in  New 
York.  6  males,  10  females.  (May  be  played  by  j^males 
and  3  females) .  Any  number  of  school  girls  may  Ite  used 
in  the  ensembles.  2  interior  scenes.  Modern  costumes. 

The  story  of  "The  Charm  School"  is  familiar  to  Mrs.  Miller'i 
readers.  It  relates  the  adventures  of  a  handsome  young  automobile 
salesman  scarcely  out  of  his  'teens  who,  upon  inheriting  a  girls' 
boarding  school  from  a  maiden  aunt,  insists  on  running  it  himself, 
according  to  his  own  ideas,  chief  of  which  is,  by  the  way,  that  the 
dominant  feature  in  the  education  of  the  young  girl  of  today 
should  be  CHARM. 

The  situations  that  arise  are  teeming  with  humor — clean,  whole- 
some humor.  In  the  end  the  young  man  gives  up  the  school  and 
promises  to  wait  until  the  most  precocious  of  his  pupils  reaches  a 
marriageable  age.  The  freshness  of  youth,  the  charm  of  originality, 
and  the  wholesome  pleasant  entertainment  embodied  in  this  play 
make  it  one  of  the  most  popular  on  our  list.  We  strongly  recommend 
it  for  high  school  production. 

(Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.)  PRICE  75  CENTS. 


CLARENCE 

A  comedy  in  4  acts.  By  Booth  Tarkington.  5  males,  5 
females,  z  interior  scenes.  Modern  costumes. 

Clarence  has  no  medals,  no  shoulder  bars,  no  great  accomplish- 
ment. One  of  the  "five  million,"  he  served  where  he  was  sent — 
though  it  was  no  further  than  Texas.  As  an  entomologist  he  found 
—on  this  side  of  the  ocean — no  field  for  his  specialty  in  the  great 
war.  So  they  set  him  to  driving  mules. 

Now,  reduced  to  civil  life  and  seeking  a  job,  he  finds  a  position 
in  the  home  of  one  Wheeler,  a  wealthy  Englewood  man  with  a 
family.  And  because  he'd  "been  in  the  army"  he  becomes  guide, 
philosopher  and  friend  to  the  members  of  the  same  agitated^  and 
distracted  family  group.  Clarence's  position  is  an  anomalous  onfe.  He 
mends  the  bathroom  plumbing,  he  tunes  the  piano,  he  types— off 
stage — he  plays  the  saxophone.  And  around  him  revolves  such  a 
group  of  characters  as  only  Booth  Tarkington  could  offer.  It  is  a 
real  American  comedy;  and  the  audience  ripples  with  appreciative 
and  delighted  laughtcK. 

"It  is  as  American  Z&  ^Huckleberry  Finn'  or  pumpkin  pie."  N.  Y. 
Times. 


(Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.)  PRICE  7$  CENTS. 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES 

A  FARCE  JN  THREE  ACTS 


BY 

EDWARD  PEPLE 

Author   of   "The   Littlest   Rebel",    "The    Prince 
"The  Love  Route". 


COPYRIGHT,  1917,  BY  EDWARD  PEPLK 
COPTBIGHT,  1914,  Br  EDWABD  PEPLE 


ALL  RIGHTS  RESERVED 

CAUTION :  Professionals  and  amateurs  are  hereby  warned 
that  "A  PAIR  OF  SIXES,"  being  fully  protected  under 
the  copyright  laws  of  the  United  States,  is  subject  to  a 
royalty,  and  anyone  presenting  the  play  without  the 
consent  of  the  owner  or  his  authorized  agents  will  be 
liable  to  the  penalties  by  law  provided.  Application  for 
amateur  acting  rights  must  be  made  to  Samuel  French, 
25  West  45th  Street,  New  York.  Application  for  the 
professional  acting  rights  must  be  made  to  the  American 
Play  Company,  33  West  42nd  Street,  New  York. 


New  York: 

SAMUEL  FRENCH 

Publisher 
25  West  45th  Street 


London: 

SAMUEL  FRENCH,  Ltd 

26  Southampton  Street 

Strand 


,  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES 
ALL    RIGHTS   RESERVED 


Especial  notice  should  be  taken  that  the  possession  of 
this  book  without  a  valid  contract  for  production  first 
having  been  obtained  from  the  publisher,  confers  no  right 
or  license  to  professionals  or  amateurs  to  produce  the  play 
publicly  or  in  private  for  gain  or  charity. 

In  its  present  form  this  play  is  dedicated  to  the  reading 
public  only,  and  no  performance,  representation,  produc- 
tion, recitation,  or  public  reading,  or  radio  broadcasting 
may  be  given  except  by  special  arrangement  with  Samuel 
French,  25  West  45th  Street,  New  York. 

This  play  may  be  presented  by  amateurs  upon  payment 
of  a  royalty  of  Twenty-Five  Dollars  for  each  perform- 
ance, payable  to  Samuel  French,  25  West  45th  Street, 
New  York,  one  week  before  the  date  when  the  play  is 
given. 

Whenever  the  play  is  produced  the  following  notice  must 
appear  on  all  programs,  printing  and  advertising  for  the 
play:  "Produced  by  special  arrangement  with  Samuel 
French  of  New  York." 

Attention  is  called  to  the  penalty  provided  by  law  for 
any  infringement  of  the  author's  rights,  as  follows. 

"SECTION  4966: — Any  person  publicly  performing  or  rep- 
resenting any  dramatic  or  musical  composition  for  which 
copyright  has  been  obtained,  without  the  consent  of  the 
proprietor  of  said  dramatic  or  musical  composition,  or  his 
heirs  and  assigns,  shall  be  liable  for  damages  thereof,  such 
damages,  in  all  cases  to  be  assessed  at  such  sum,  not  less 
than  one  hundred  dollars  for  the  first  and  fifty  dollars  for 
every  subsequent  performance,  as  to  the  court  shall  appear 
to  be  just.  If  the  unlawful  performance  and  representation 
be  wilful  and  for  profit,  such  person  or  persons  shall  be 
guilty  of  a  misdemeanor,  and  upon  conviction  shall  be  im- 
prisoned for  a  period  not  exceeding  one  year."— rU.  S. 
Revised  Statutes :  Title  60,  Chag.  3. 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES 

Produced  at  the  Longacre  Theatre,  New  York  City, 
THE  ORIGINAL  CAST 

GEORGE  B.  NETTLETON George  Parsons 

Business  partners 

T.  BOGGS  JOHNS Hale  Hamilton 

KROME Their  book-keeper.    Robert  Smiley 

Miss  SALLY  PARKER.  .Their  stenographer.     Carree 

Clark 

THOMAS  J.  VANDERHOLT Their  lawyer.    Fritz 

Williams 

TONY  TOLER Their  salesman.    Jack  Devereaux 

MR.  APPLEGATE Walter  Allen 

OFFICE  BOY John  Merritt 

SHIPPING  CLERK Frank  Gerbrach 

MRS.  GEORGE  B.  NETTLETON Ivy  Troutman. 

Miss  FLORENCE  COLE Ann  Murdoch 

CODDLES An  English  maid  of  all  work.    Maude 

Eburne 


SYNOPSIS  OF  SCENES 

ACT      I.  Offices  of  The  Eureka  Digestive  Pill 

Co.,  in  New  York  City. 
ACT    II.  Home  of  Mr.  Nettleton.     Two  weeks 

later. 
ACT  III.  The  same  as  Act  Second.     One  week 

later. 

3 


2114936 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES 


ACT  I 

DISCOVERED:— SALLY  PARKER,  the  stenog. 
rapher,  seated  at  the  type-desk,  writing  fvri~ 
ously  on  the  typewriter.  KROME,  the  'bevv 
keeper,  seated  at  the  high  desk  u.  c.  working 
over  his  books. 

AT  RISE: — At  the  rise  of  the  Curtain,  KROME 
rises  quickly,  picks  up  the  ad.  dummy  from  the 
high  desk,  and  goes  swiftly  to  the  desk  D.  L. — 
places  dummy  on  same  and  makes  entry  in 
large  book.  Sits  by  the  desk.  At  the  same 
time  the  Office  Boy  has  entered  from  u.  L.  with 
two  letters — one  addressed  to  the  stenographer, 
the  other  to  the  Book-keeper.  The  Office  Boy 
starts  to  R.,  walking  very  fast, — the  SHIPPING 
CLERK  has  entered  from  u.  R.  and  moves  rap- 
idly to  L.  They  (the  OFFICE  BOY  and  the 
SHIPPING  CLERK) — bump  violently  into  each 
other  as  they  meet  c.  and  continue  on  their 
way,  glaring  at  each  other  over  their  shoulders. 

SHIPPING  CLERK.  (Speaking  over  his  shoulder 
as  he  goes  to  up-stage  side  of  the  desk  D.  L.)  Look 
where  you're  going,  you  little  red-headed  simp ! 

JIMMY.  (Going  to  the  type-desk,  R.,  speaking 
scornfully  over  his  shoulder}  G'wan  yer  poor  nut ! 

SHIPPING  CUSRK.     (Savagely}     Who's  a  nut? 


5  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

KROME.  (Turning  half  around  in  his  chair  and 
waving  to  JIM  and  the  CLERK  to  be  quiet,  raises  his 
voice  so  as  to  top  them}  Here,  here ! 

SHIPPING  CLERK.  (Still  glaring  at  JIMMY,  hands 
bills  to  KROME)  Bills  of  laden. 

(KROME  hands  him  paper  in  return  and  clerk  exits 
u.  R.,  scowling  at  JIMMY.) 

JIMMY.  (Giving  letter  to  Stenographer)  Letter 
for  you,  Miss  Parker.  (Starts  to  L.  to  KROME) 

SALLY.  (Holding  up  typewritten  telegraph 
blank)  Here,  Jimmy,  ring  for  a  messenger  and  get 
this  off  in  a  hurry. 

( JIMMY,  who  has  reached  c.  turns  back  to  SALLY.) 

KROME.  (Holding  up  order  to  JIMMY)  And  ask 
the  shipping  clerk  about  this  order,  (JIMMY  on 
hearing  KROME'S  voice  stops  and  turns  to  him)  it's 
over  a  week  behind  and  the  customers  kicking  like 
a  mule. 

( JIMMY  starts  to  KROME  when  SALLY  again  calls.) 

SALLY.  (Waves  the  telegraph  form  at  JIMMY) 
Here,  Jimmy,  when  I  call  you,  come. 

JIMMY.  (Hesitates  a  second  between  the  two, 
then  makes  a  frantic  dash  to  KROME,  takes  the  order 
which  KROME  holds  out  to  him,  then  crosses  back 
of  the  desk  c.  to  SALLY — quickly — speaks  as  he 
walks)  Aw,  how  many  tings  does  yer  want  me  to 
be  doin*  at  de  same  time?  I  ain't  no  orty-me-bile 
truck !  (Jerks  the  telegram  away  from  SALLY) 

SALLY.  (Rather  amused)  No;  you're  a  noisy 
little  run-about  that  needs  more  spanking  than  you 
do  cranking.  (Starts  to  write) 

TIMMY.     (Holding  the  order  and  the  telegram  in 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  7 

his  right  hand  and  using  his  L.  to  describe  what  he 
says)  Say !  If  you  was  my  wife  do  you  know 
what  I'd  do? 

SALLY.  (Stops  writing — turns  to  JIMMY. 
KROME  works  the  A.  D.  T.  call  on  the  wall  R.  of  the 
high  desk  c)  What? 

JIMMY.  (Sentimentally')  I'd  take  you  on  a  wed- 
din'  trip  to  de  very  end  of  de  world ! 

SALLY.  (Laughs  lightly,  amused.  KROME  goes 
to  the  high  desk  to  work  on  books — dips  pen  in  the 
ink  and  pauses  to  hear.  Turns  slightly  to  R.  )  Oh, 
that  would  be  nice. 

JIMMY.  (Pointing  down  with  hand}  An'  den 
I'd  drop  you  off. 

SALLY.  (Furious, — KROME  tries  to  suppress 
laughter}  Oh!  (Slaps  JIMMY  soundly  on  the  left 
cheek  with  her  right  hand) 

KROME.  (Severely)  Get  out  of  here.  (JiMMv 
scampers  out  up  R.  holding  hand  to  cheek.  MRS, 
NETTLETON  enters  at  this  point  from  u.  L.  As  she 
closes  the  door,  KROME  turns  quickly  and  SALLY 
works  the  typewriter  very  hard.  As  MRS.  NET- 
TLETON starts  R.  by  way  of  below  the  desk  c. )  Oh! 
Mrs.  Nettleton.  Come  right  in !  (Moves  chair  L. 
of  the  desk  c.  to  her  and  motions  her  to  sit) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Pointedly  ignoring  SALLY  as 
she  comes  down)  How  do  you  do,  Mr.  Krome? 
(As  KROME  indicates  the  chair)  No,  thank  you,  I 
haven't  the  time.  Is  Mr.  Nettleton  in  his  office? 

(SALLY  steals  a  glance  at  MRS.  NETTLETON  as  she 
writes. ) 

KROME.  (In  his  politest  tone)  He's  out  at  pres- 
ent. I'm  expecting  him  any  moment. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Oh!  How  very  annoying. 
(Glances  at  watch,  which  hangs  on  chain  about  her 
neck.  MRS.  NETTLETON  has  by  this  time  /cached 


8  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

the  R.  stage  corner  of  the  desk  c.  She  stops  and 
"faces  KROME)  I  'phoned  him  I  would  be  here  at 
twelve!  (Starts  to  L.)  I'll  speak  to  Mr.  Johns! 

KROME.  (Comes  down  stage  and  steps  in  front 
of  MRS.  NETTLETON  as  she  passes  left  end  of  desk 
c. )  Sorry,  Mrs.  Nettleton,  but  he's  out  too.  Went 
over  to  the  bank. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (With  impatient  gesture}  I 
declare  men  are  never  in  a  place  when  we  want 
them.  (SALLY  pounds  the  typewriter  with  a  ven- 
geance. MRS.  NETTLETON  crosses  to  her,  speaking 
as  she  goes.  KROME  goes  to  high  desk  u.  c.  to  R.  of 
the  high  stool  in  front  of  same)  Er — Miss  Parker, 
please — please — it  makes  me  nervous.  (SALLY  stops 
writing  at  once,  and  sits  in  an  exaggerated  straight 
manner,  clasping  her  hands  in  her  lap.  MRS.  NET- 
TLETON crosses  to  the  entrance  u.  L.  by  way  of  the 
up-stage  side  of  the  desk  c.  Speaks  as  she  walks) 
Tell  Mr.  Nettleton  that  I  have  gone  to  the  station 
to  meet  Miss  Cole ! 

KROME.    Yes'm,  I  will. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  I'll  be  back  in  a  little  while, 
and  wish  to  see  him  particularly.  (Looks  at  KROME 
as  she  pauses  a  second) 

KROME.  (A  step  to  MRS.  NETTLETON,  nods  his 
head)  Yes'm,  I'll  tell  him. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Pushes  the  office  railing  gate 
slightly  open,  then  turns  to  KROME  again.  It  just 
occurs  to  her)  And  say  to  him  that  I  hope  no 
stupid  business  will  interfere  with  my  appointment 
a  second  time.  (MRS.  NETTLETON  exits  u.  L.) 

KROME.  (Bowing)  Yes'm.  Good  morning. 
(Goes  to  the  high  desk  u.  c.  Picks  up  some  papers) 

SALLY.  (Mischievously)  Say,  Charlie,  what  an 
old  fool  Adam  was  to  have  ever  parted  with  that 
extra  rib. 

KROME.  (Taking  papers  and  going  to  desk  c. 
wd  putting  them  on  the  up-stage  L.  side  of  same) 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  9 

Well,  it  wasn't  his  fault ;  he  was  asleep  at  die  time. 

SALLY.  And  you  men  have  never  waked  up 
since.  Miss  Parker — please,  please — it  makes  me 
nervous.  (SALLY  imitates  MRS.  NETTLETON  in 
above  speech,  jerks  paper  from  her  typewriter  vici~ 
ously  and  lays  it  on  desk;  inserts  two  new  sheets 
and  a  carbon) 

KROME.  (Who  rather  likes  MRS.  NETTLETON, 
speaks  sharply)  What's  the  matter  with  Mrs.  Net- 
tleton ! 

SALLY.  (With  a  short  angry  laugh)  Oh,  she's 
nice  enough  to  you.  You  wear  trousers !  But  did 
you  see  the  way  she  looked  at  me?  (KROME  goes 
to  the  chair  by  the  desk  L.  SALLY  dates  letter  on 
the  machine  and  looks  up)  Thinks  every  woman 
on  earth  is  crouching  like  a  tiger,  waiting  to  pounce 
on  her  precious  pudgy  husband.  And  I'll  tell  you, 
Charlie,  if  this  Miss  Cole  that  Mr.  Johns  is  so 
struck  on,  isn't  an  improvement,  I'm  going  to  quit 
my  job.  (Goes  up-stage  of  the  desk  c.  to  L.  of 
same,  stands  behind  the  chair  L.  of  the  desk) 

KROME.  Well,  I'm  not  worrying  about  the 
women,  it's  the  men!  I  don't  see  why  the  bosses 
can't  get  on.  A  big,  fine  business,  increasing  every 
month,  and  yet  they  are  quarrelling  and  fighting  all 
day  long. 

SALLY.  (Polishing  her  nails  with  her  handker- 
chief) Well!  I  know  why,  Vanity!  (KROME  sits 
in  the  chair  by  the  desk  L.,  makes  entry  in  large 
book  as  he  listens  to  SALLY)  Mr.  Johns  invented  a 
violet  sugar  coating  for  a  pill  and  believes  he's 
made  the  world,  and  as  for  Mr.  Nettleton — he's 
making  a  perfect  show  of  himself.  (Sits  on  the 
chair  L.  of  the  table  c.,  crosses  her  left  leg  over  her 
R.,  exposing  her  calf;  is  quite  unconscious  of  the 
fact,  and  continues  polishing  her  nails) 

KROME.  (Speaks  as  he  works  on  the  book) 
That's  so.  It's  all  right  to  quarrel  when  you  have 


io  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

a  failure,  but  our  two  bosses  are  the  only  two 
idiots  I  ever  heard  of,  who  couldn't  get  along  when 
they  had  a  success. 

(JIMMY  enters  from  u.  L.,  comes  down  between 
KROME  and  SALLY.    Speaks  as  he  walks.) 

JIMMY.  Mr.  Krome,  de  shippin*  clerk  says— 
(He  stops  abruptly,  looking  at  SALLY'S  stockings 
out  of  the  corner  of  his  eye) 

KROME.  (On  hearing  JIMMY'S  voice,  stops  writ- 
ing and  raises  his  head,  without  turning  around  to 
hear  what  he  says.  After  a  second  when  JIMMY 
does  not  continue)  Well — what? 

JIMMY.  (Scratching  his  head  in  an  endeavor  to 
bring  to  mind  the  forgotten  message,  but  still  gazing 
steadily  at  the  hosiery)  Well — he  did  say  sumptin' 
— but — (Cranes  his  head  forward  to  get  a  better 
look)  it's  gone  clean  out  of  me  head. 

KROME.  (Turns,  catches  JIMMY'S  look  and  fol- 
lows glance.  His  face  beams,  and  takes  on  a  broad 
grin.  He  turns  further  about  in  his  seat  in  order 
to  get  a  better  view.  Scratches  his  head  with  a 
ruler)  Well,  you  take  your  head  out  there  and 
keep  your  eyes  on  your  work  where  they  belong. 

SALLY.  (Looks  up  and  sees  the  situation.  Gives 
a  startled  shriek,  and  springs  to  her  feet)  Oh! 
And  you  can  do  the  same  with  yours!  (Takes  a 
few  steps  R.  and  looks  at  them  indignantly.  JIMMY 
and  KROME  snicker) 

JIMMY.  (Catching  sight  of  MR.  NETTLETON 
through  the  office  door  u.  L.,  shouts  in  alarm) 
Here  comes  Mr.  Nettleton ! 

(SALLY  makes  a  dash  /0r  the  typewriter,  sits  and 
works  fast.  KROME  rises  and  holds  place.  MR. 
NETTLETON  enters  u.  L.,  puts  his  hat  on  the  hat- 
rack  L.  of  the  high  desk,  on  the  peg  down 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  II 

stage  side  of  the  rack,  then  crosses  to  down  R. 
by  way  of  above  the  desk  c.,  lays  the  newspaper 
he  carries  on  the  front  of  the  desk  R.  side.) 

KROME.  (As  MR.  NETTLETON  enters')  Er — Mr. 
Nettleton — your  wife  was  here  a  few  minutes  ago, 
sir.  She  said  she  had  an  appointment  with  you. 

NETTLETON.  (Snapping  his  fingers,  as  he  re- 
members) That's  so — by  Jove!  Did  you  say  I  was 
called  out  on  an  important  engagement  ? 

KROME.  (Puzzled)  No  sir,  I  didn't  know  you 
had  one. 

NETTLETON.  (Looks  at  him  in  disgust)  I 
hadn't !  But  where's  your  imagination ! 

KROME.     (Somewhat  alarmed)    But 

NETTLETON.  (Waving  him  to  stop)  I  know — 
used  it  all  up  on  your  own  family.  (Starts  to  his 
office  R.,  then  stops  and  turns  to  KROME)  By-the- 
way,  Krome,  did  you  finish  that  advertising 
dummy  ? 

KROME.  (Briskly,  glad  to  change  the  siibject) 
Yes,  sir,  T  was  just  completing  it  as  you  came  in. 
(Takes  up  the  large  sheet  on  which  various  adver- 
tisements are  pasted  in  the  form  of  a  page,  and  ad- 
vances. NETTLETON  comes  forward,  meeting  him 
at  c.  KROME  holds  the  dummy  up  in  his  right 
hand)  There's  one  thing,  though,  that 

NETTLETON.  (Jerks  the  sheet  from  KROME,  looks 
severely  at  him,  taps  center  of  the  sheet  with  his 
fingers)  What's  this?  (Second's  pause.  KROME 
looks  uneasy.  NETTLETON  speaks  sharply)  I 
thought  1  told  you — distinctly — that  the  center  of 
this  page  was  to  be  occupied  by  my  ad.,  concerning 
the  medicinal  qualities  of  our  pill.  And  here  I  find 
this  junk  about  a  fashionable  violet  coloring. 
(Flings  the  sheet  on  the  desk  c.)  Bah!  (Crosses 
to  R.) 

KROME.  (Terrified)  I  did  fix  it  up  the  way  yotl 
told  me,  but  Mr.  Johns 


12  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

NETTLETON.  (Yelling  at  him)  Now  never  miiwj 
Mr.  Johns!  You  do  what  /  say,  understand? 

KROME.    Yes  sir. 

NETTLETON.     (Sternly)    Then  do  it. 

KROME.  (Picks  up  the  dummy,  speaks  timidly) 
I  will,  Mr.  Nettleton,  of  course,  but — but  before 
this  goes  to  the  printer,  I'll  have  to  have  Mr.  Johns' 
O.  K.  and 

NETTLETON.  (Beside  himself  with  rage)  There 
you  go!  Mr.  Johns — Mr.  Johns!  'Till  I'm  sick 
and  tired  of  it.  (Shakes  his  finger  threateningly  at 
KROME)  I'm  the  head  of  this  firm,  and  the  sooner 
you  realize  it  the  better — (NETTLETON,  at  start  of 
speech  has  walked  up  R.  then  down  stage,  he  turns 
suddenly  to  catch  SALLY  smiling.  Speaks  sharply) 
You  too,  Miss  Parker. 

SALLY.  (Jumps,  changes  expression  at  once) 
Yes  sir! 

NETTLETON.  (To  KROME)  Think  I'm  Carrying 
this  whole  business  on  my  shoulders  for  fun?  Who 
engaged  you  for  this  position,  anyway  ? 

KROME.    Why — you  did,  sir. 

NETTLETON.  (Crosses  to  it.)  All  right  then, 
carry  out  my  orders  or  I'll  discharge  you.  What 
this  office  needs  is  system,  and  i'm  going  to  have  it. 
System,  get  me;  system!  (Exits  R.  i.  Slams  the 
door  hard) 

SALLY.  (Laughs  heartily.  KROME  goes  quickly 
up  to  the  high  desk,  first  puts  the  dummy  on  the 
'desk  c.  and  from  the  high  desk  gets  a  white  ad) 
What  are  you  going  to  do,  Charlie  ? 

KROME.  (Down  to  above  the  desk  c.,  holds  the 
ad  in  left  hand  with  the  right  hand  rapidly  puts  the 
coat  of  paste  on  the  violet  ad  on  dummy.  Paste  is 
on  the  desk  c.  Then  holding  the  dummy  up  to  view 
of  the  audience  with  his  right  hand,  puts  the  white 
ad  over  the  other  one.  Speaks  as  he  works)  The 
only  thing  I  can  do.  (Exhibiting  the  white  ad  to 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  13 

the  view  of  SALLY  and  the  audience}  I  keep  a 
stock  of  these  on  hand.  Every  time  one  boss  kicks 
I  paste  his  ad  over  the  other  one.  (KROME  pastes 
the  white  ad  over  the  violet  one  and  stands  smiling 
at  SALLY,  and  waiting  for  her  approval  of  his  clev- 
erness) 

SALLY.  (Laughs  and  nods  to  KROME)  How; 
many  have  you  now  ? 

KROME.  Half  a  dozen.  By  the  end  of  the  week 
~if  I  last  that  long — (Points  at  the  white  ad  on  the 
dummy  which  he  is  holding  up)  this  pile  will  be  an 
inch  thick! 

(JOHNS  enters  from  u.  L.,  singing  before  he  comet 
on.) 

SALLY.  (In  a  loud  whisper  to  KROME)  Oh 
Lord!  Here's  the  other  one.  (Starts  to  write  rap- 
idly. KROME  puts  the  dummy  on  the  desk  c.  and 
moves  quickly  up  to  the  high  desk  u.  c.  and  begin* 
ivork  on  ledger) 

JOHNS.  (Jerks  NETTLETON'S  hat  from  the  hat- 
rack  as  he  enters  and  flings  it  on  the  high  desk  and 
puts  his  hat  on  the  rack.  This  is  done  so  that  the 
noise  of  the  hat  being  flung  on  the  high  desk  and 
the  hat  being  put  on  the  rack  comes  almost  to- 
gether) Pass  book,  Krome.  (Throws  the  book  on 
the  high  desk  to  KROME — goes  to  above  the  desk  c., 
picks  up  the  dummy)  Oh!  Hello — finished  the 
dummy,  did  you  ?  Good  boy !  (As  he  perceives  the 
white  ad  in  place  of  his  own  his  face  hardens — 
speaks  sharply)  Krome!  (Goes  to  front  of  the 
desk  c.  with  the  dummy,  turns  and  faces  KROME, 
who  comes  down  L.  of  him) 

KROME.     (Fearing  the  worst)    Yes  sir? 

JOHNS.  (Trying  hard  to  control  anger — holds 
the  dummy  up  for  KROME'S  inspection — points  at 
the  ad.)  This  is  the  fourth  time  I  find  this  absurd. 


14  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

inartistic  and  ridiculous  cut  in  the  middle  of  otir 
advertising  page.  I  told  you  to  put  mine  there — 
(Takes  step  to  KROME,  tears  off  the  white  ad  and 
tosses  it  on  the  floor.  Checks  KROME  as  he  starts 
to  speak}  You  ought  to  be  able  to  understand  a 
simple  thing  like  that.  If  (Throws  the  dummy  on 
the  desk  c.)  you  don't • 

KROME.    I  do,  Mr.  Johns,  but  Mr.  Nettleton 

JOHNS.  (Checking  him}  Now,  now — cut  out 
Mr.  Nettleton — (Crosses  to  within  a  few  feet  of  the 
door  R.  i,  raises  his  voice,  so  that  NETTLETON  will 
hear  him,  in  his  office)  half  the  time  he  don't  know 
what  he's  talking  about,  and  the  other  half  he's 
talking  about  what  he  doesn't  know.  (NETTLETON, 
who  has  been  standing  with  his  door  half  ajar,  lis- 
tening, slams  it  violently.  JOHNS  chuckles  to  him- 
self with  satisfaction,  comes  to  front  of  the  desk  c., 
speaks  sternly  to  KROME)  You  do  as  I  tell  you ! 

KROME.  (At  his  -wits'  end}  But — but  how  can 
I,  when  he  insists  on  the  opposite? 

JOHNS.  And  don't  you  know  yet  who  the  boss  of 
this  office  is?  (Sits  on  the  desk  c. — looks  keenly  at 
KROME) 

KROME.  (Drops  his  eyes  under  the  scrutiny  of 
JOHNS)  I'm — I'm  sorry,  sir,  but  I  don't! 

JOHNS.  (Savagely}  Then  I'll  tell  you — (Sup- 
pressed giggle  from  SALLY — JOHNS  turns,  catches 
her — glares  at  her}  both  of  you — (Back  to  KROME 
— swelling  up}  I  am!  If  it  wasn't  for  me,  this 
business  would  be  just  what  it  was  the  day  I  came 
in — a  poor  little  sickly  squirming  baby,  dying  of 
cholera  infantum.  I've  made  it  what  it  is  and  I 
want  it  kept  so,  take  that  in  ? 

KROME.  (Steps  to  JOHNS)  Yes,  sir,  I  under* 
•land  you — perfectly — but 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  15 

JOHNS.  If  Nettleton  wants  to  countermand  my 
order,  you  send  him  to  me — (Crosses  to  R.,  raises  his 
voice  that  NETTLETON  may  hear}  me — I'll  show  him 
who  the  boss  is.  (Goes  to  the  desk,  picks  up  the 
dummy — taps  the  ad  with  his  finger)  Now,  fix  up 
this  dummy  and  don't  pay  any  attention  to  that 
one — (Points  off  in  direction  of  NETTLETON'S  of- 
fice) and  do  it  in  the  next  ten  minutes — it  goes  to 
the  printers  to-day.  (Hands  the  dummy  to  KROME, 
and  crosses  to  L.) 

KROME.  (Follows  him  a  step — speaks  desper- 
ately) But  listen,  Mr.  Johns — please — (JOHNS 
turns  and  surveys  him  coldly)  I'm  a  poor  married 
man — I'm  doing  my  very  best,  I'm  trying  to  follow 
instructions,  but  he — (Pointing  to  R.)  says  if  I  don't! 
do  it  his  way,  he'll  discharge  me. 

JOHNS.    (Feigning  great  concern)    He  said  that?' 

KROME.    Yes  sir.     (Hopefully) 

JOHNS.  That's  too  bad !  And  you're  a  poor  mar 
» led  man  ? 

KROME.    Yes,  sir. 

JOHNS.    You  love  your  wife? 

KROME.    Yes,  sir. 

JOHNS.    Children? 

KROME.    Yes,  sir. 

JOHNS.    Many? 

KSOME.    Yes,  sir. 

JOHNS.  Well,  you  do  it  my  way,  or  /'//  discharg* 
you.  (Exits  L.  i — slams  the  door) 

(KROME  gazes  after  him,  rather  dazed  expression — 
sinks  in  chair  L.  of  the  desk  c.  SALLY  burst* 
into  loud  laughter.  KROME  frowns  at  her.) 

KROME.    That's  right — laugh! 

SALLY.  (Rises — still  laughing — crosses  to  front 
of  the  desk  c.)  I  can't  help  it,  you  old  dear.  You 
looked  so  funny  that  I — Good  Lord !  (As  the  buz- 


16  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

zer  sounds,  followed  by  the  bell — SALLY  stops — • 
looks  frightened — She  runs  to  her  desk  and  makes 
a  frantic  grab  for  her  stenographer's  book  and  pen- 
cil, and  rushes  back  to  desk  c.  The  Buzzer  and  the 
Bell  continue,  one  after  the  other  until — ) 

KROME.  (Turning,  with  a  grin)  Aha!  Now 
you  can  see  how  funny  it  is. 

SALLY.  (Terrified — looks  from  one  office  to  the 
other)  Which  one  rang  first? 

KROME.  (Enjoying  it)  Neither — it  was  both  at 
once.  (Buzzer  R. — until — ) 

SALLY.  Yes,  I  know,  but  if  I  go  to  Mr.  Nettleton 
— (She  darts  to  the  door  R.,  a.?  she  is  within  a  few 
feet  of  the  door,  Buzzer  R.  stops.  Bell  L.  until — ) 
and  if  I  go  to  Mr.  Johns — (She  runs  to  L.  As  she 
reaches  L.  c.,  the  bell  L.  stops.  Buzzar  R.  She 
starts  back  to  R.  As  she  reaches  c.  both  Buzzer  and 
Bell —  She  stops  c.  as  both  the  bell  and  the  Buzzer 
sound  at  once  and  continue.  She  looks  helplessly 
from  L.  to  R.  and  in  a  tone  of  desperation  turns  to 
KROME  and  asks)  Charlie !  Which  one  must  I  go 
to? 

KROME.  (Still  resentful)  Go  to  the  one  that 
will  make  you  laugh — the  most. 

JOHNS.  (Entering  from  L.  Comes  on  stage  a 
few  feet.  Beckons  SALLY)  Miss  Parker,  bring 
your  book — (Starts  out  L.  KROME  rises  from  seat, 
goes  up-stag e) 

SALLY.     (Meekly,  starting  after  him)    Yes  sir. 

NETTLETON.  (Flinging  open  his  door  R.  i,  and 
coming  on  stage  a  few  feet.  In  a  voice  of  thunder) 
Miss  Parker !  One  moment !  (  SALLY  stops — turns, 
frightened.  JOHNS,  by  this,  has  just  passed  through 
his  door  and  stands  listening,  with  his  door  ajar) 
I  thought  you  fully  understood  that  when  my  buz- 
zer sounded  once,  it  meant  that  I  wished  to  give  dic- 
tation ? 

SALLY.  (Stamiv'nq)  Yes  sir — I  do  under- 
stand it — but • 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  I? 

NETTLETON.  (Gruffly  snapping  her  up}  Then 
bring  your  book.  (Turns  to  his  office  R.  SALLY 
follows) 

SALLY.    Yes  sir. 

JOHNS.  (Rushes  on  stage  -from  office  to  L.  c.) 
Hold  on  there ! 

SALLY.  (Turns,  hesitates  between  the  two) 
Yes,  sir — but  you  see — Mr.  Nettleton — (Turns  to 
MR.  NETTLETON) 

JOHNS.  (Motioning  SALLY  to  go  into  his  office) 
Never  mind  him — I  rang  first. 

NETTLETON.  (Fiercely)  You  didn't!  (Takes 
step  to  c.) 

JOHNS.    I  did!    (Takes  a  step  to  C.) 

NETTLETON.  (Shaking  his  fist  at  JOHNS)  It 
isn't  true  and  I  don't  care  if  it  is !  I'm  the  senior 
partner  in  this  firm — and  propose  to  have  my 
rights.  (Turns  to  Miss  PARKER)  Miss  Parker, 
I'm  ready  with  my  mail.  (Starts  a  step  R.,  SALLY 
starts  after  him) 

JOHNS.  (A  step  forward)  Oh  no,  you  don't! 
The  partners  in  this  firm  are  equal !  I  own  fifty 
per  cent  of  the  stock,  don't  I  ?  And  my  mail  is  just 
as  important  as  yours.  Miss  Parker,  will  come  into 
my  office — at  once.  (Makes  a  movement  toivard 
the  office,  SALLY  starts  and  NETTLETON  steps 
quickly  forward  and  grabs  her  by  the  wrist) 

NETTLETON.    Will  she? 

JOHNS.  (Turns — takes  in  the  situation,  springs 
forward  catching  SALLY'S  L.  wrist.  KROME  comes 
hurriedly  down  L.  and  looks  on  in  great  alarm) 
She  will! 

(NETTLETON  and  JOHNS  speak  the  following  to- 
gether as  they  see-saw  SALLY  from  one  side  to 
the  other,  SALLY  tries  to  get  away  but  cannot 
do  so  until  finish  of  the  speeches.) 


x8  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

NETTLETON.  Now,  see  here,  Johns;  I've  stood 
your  impudence  just  as  long  as  I'm  going  to  and  it's 
got  to  stop !  You  came  in  here  as  my  assistant  and 
you  think  you're  the  whole  works !  I  won't  have  it, 
I  tell  you!  and  you'd  just  as  well  understand  it 
right  now ! 

JOHNS.  (At  the  same  time'}  If  you  think  you're 
going  to  interfere  with  the  company's  correspond- 
ence, just  because  of  your  own  pig-headed  selfish- 
ness, you've  got  another  guess.  I've  got  to  get  oil 
my  mail  and  I  don't  propose  to  do  it  with  my  hands. 

KROME.  (Raises  his  hand  in  protest — tries  to 
talk  over  them)  Gentlemen!  Gentlemen! 

SALLY.  (With  a  final  effort  wrests  herself  -free) 
Oh,  please — please!  You  are  hurting  my  wrists! 
You — oh — (Moves  quickly  to  R.  and  turns  and 
looks  at  them  indignantly) 

NETTLETON.  (Goes  to  -front  of  the  desk — slaps 
same  as  he  speaks)  See  here,  Mr.  T.  Boggs  Johns, 
did  you  engage  Miss  Parker  or  did  I  ? 

JOHNS.  You  did!  When  I  engage  a  stenog- 
rapher, I'll  get  one  that's  worth  something ! 

SALLY.  (Steps  down)  Oh,  you  will!  Then  I'll 
have  you  to  know  that  I'm  not  dependent  on  this 
position  for  a  living.  If  you  want  a  typist  that  suit? 
you,  get  one !  (Stamps  foot) 

JOHNS.    I  will!    You're  fired! 

NETTLETON.  She's  not !'  (Struts  a  step  or  two  R., 
throwing  out  his  chest)  I  retain  her  as  my  stenog- 
rapher. (Crosses  stenographer  to  the  door  R.  i, 
elated,  turns  and  faces  JOHNS)  I'm  glad  to  see 
that  at  least  one  of  my  employees  recognizes  the 
head  of  the  firm.  (As  she  exits  through  the  door 
R.  i,  which  stays  open  until  the  exit  of  the  stenog- 
rapher) Bah ! 

SALLY.  (Hurries  out  after  NETTLETON.  As  she 
gets  to  the  door — turns  to  JOHNS  and  imitates  NET- 
TLETON, but  louder)  Bah!  (Runs  out  R.  i — tht 
door  is  slammed  hard) 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  ig 

JOHNS.  (Crosses  to  the  door  R.  i,  furious) 
Why — (Goes  up  R.,  speaking  as  he  walks')  Krome 
• — call  up  the  agency  and  get  me  a  personal  stenog- 
rapher (KROME  goes  to  the  phone  on  the  high  desk 
u.  c.  L.  of  desk)  and  I  call  you  to  witness  that  when 
I  want  her  for  my  mail  she's  mine. 

KROME.  (At  the  phone)  Yes  sir.  (In  the 
phone)  Hello— 5060  Worth ! 

JIMMY.  (Enter  from  u.  L.,  comes  to  above  the 
desk  c.,  points  off  L.)  Mrs.  Nettleton  is  waiting 
outside,  sir. 

(JOHNS  takes  JIMMY  by  the  nape  of  the  neck  and 
gives  him  a  shove  towards  the  rail  u.  L. 
JIMMY  falls  over  the  rail  but  gets  up  quickly 
and  dashes  out  u.  L.  JOHN  goes  down  R.  laugh- 
ing and  shaking  head) 

KROME,  (In  the  phone}  Hello — yes — Eureka 
Digestive  Pill  Company — we  want  a  good  stenog- 
rapher right  away! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Off  stage  u.  L.)  Thank  you, 
Jimmy. 

(At  sound  of  MRS.  NETTLETON'S  voice,  JOHNS  goes 
to  above  the  desk  c.,  picks  up  some  papersf 
turns  his  back  to  the  entrance  to  the  offices  u. 

L.) 

JIMMY.  (Off  stage  u.  L.)  You're  welcome,  Mrs. 
Nettleton. 

(MRS.  NETTLETON  enters  u.  L.,  comes  on  stage  as 
far  as  the  office  rail.) 

JOHNS.  (Pretending  that  he  is  not  aware  of  MRS. 
NETTLETON'S  presence  and  talking  for  her  benefit) 
If  Geonre  Nettleton  can  have  a  devilish  pretty  typ-. 


30  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

ist  all  to  himself,  I'll  have  one  too.  Krome,  get  me 
a  slasher,  a  peach ! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.    Good  morning,  T. 

JOHNS.  (Turns,  feigns  surprise)  Ah!  Why, 
Nellie,  come  right  in.  I'm  glad  to  see  you.  (Goes 
to  the  gate,  opens  it  for  her) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  You  ought  to  be.  I  haven't 
seen  you  for  a  month.  Is  George  here?  (She 
crosses  to  R.  by  way  of  below  the  table  or  desk  c, 
JOHNS  goes  R.  by  way  of  above  the  desk  c.) 

JOHNS.    Oh,  yes,  in  there  with  Miss  Parker. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Turns  quickly — looks  at 
JOHNS)  What! 

JOHNS.  (Smiles)  His  correspondence!  (Of- 
fers MRS.  NETTLETON  the  chair  R.  of  the  desk  c.) 
Sit  right  here. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Sits — looks  in  the  direction 
of  NETTLETON 's  office  with  a  troubled  expression 
on  her  face)  Oh !  But — I  understood  from  him 
that  he  left  that  detail  of  the  work  to  you. 

JOHNS.  (Dryly)  U'm,  yes — and  lately  I've  been 
doing  it  with  a  fountain  pen !  (As  JIMMY  enters 
u.  L.)  Enter,  Jimmy,  through,  not  over.  ( JIMMY 
grins,  comes  through  the  gate — goes  to  the  roll-top 
desk  L. — puts  the  package  he  carries  on  same — then 
stares  R.)  .  Jimmy!  (JIMMY  stops  by  the  L.  corner 
of  the  desk  c. — leans  on  same — grins  at  JOHHS  as  he 
waits  for  the  order)  Tell  Mr.  Nettleton — if  he  can 
spare  the  time — and  he  isn't  too  busy,  his  wife 
would  like  to  see  him. 

JIMMY.  (Grins  more  than  ever — snickers)  Yes 
sir.  (Exits  R.  I — drags  his  feet — JOHNS  and  MRS. 
NETTLETON  smile  at  each  other  in  appreciation  of 
JIMMY) 

JOHNS.  I'm  just  engaging  a  stenographer  of  my 
own — to  get  anything  done  at  all. 

KROME.  (Speaks  as  he  hangs  up  the  receiver  and 
comes  to  above  the  desk  c. )  I  beg  your  oardon,  sir. 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  21 

JOHNS.  (Nods  head  to  MRS.  NETTLETON,  to  ex- 
cuse him — she  nods — JOHNS  turns  slightly  to 
KROME)  Er — what  is  it,  Krome  ? 

KROME.  They  are  sending  over  six  for  you  to  se- 
lect from— three  dark  ones — two  light  ones — • 
(Holds  up  one  finger)  and  one  red. 

JOHNS.  (Turns  to  get  a  better  look  at  KROME — • 
then  to  MRS.  NETTLETON  and  smiles)  I'll  play  the 
red. 

(KROME  grins  and  exits  u.  R.  JIMMY  enters  R.  I, 
comes  to  within  a  few  feet  of  MRS.  NETTLETON 
and  stands  looking  at  her — grins.) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Discovering  that  she  is  the 
object  of  JIMMY'S  attention,  looks  at  JIMMY  haugh- 
tily— speaks  sharply)  Well,  boy — well? 

JIMMY.  (Grins)  Says  he's  busy  and  yer'll  have 
to  wait  a  minute.  (Exits  u.  R.,  drags  feet) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Elevating  her  eye-brows 
slightly)  Well,  upon  my  word!  (Crosses  her 
hands  resignedly) 

JOHNS.  (Grinning  to  himself,  then  turning  sym- 
pathetically) Anything  /  can  do — while  you  are — • 
waiting? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Oh,  no!  No!  (Laughing 
nervously)  It  doesn't  matter— really !  (Again 
glancing  R.  then  turning  brightly)  By  the  way, 
who  do  you  think  is  visiting  me  ? 

JOHNS.  (Delightedly)  You  don't  mean — Flor- 
ence? (As  MRS.  NETTLETON  smiles  and  nods) 
She  wrote  me  that  she  would  be  here  next  Sunday? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  She  came  this  morning — 
(Looks  at  the  office  R.  and  back  to  JOHNS)  Didn't 
George  tell  you? 

JOHNS.  He? — No.  (Quickly,  as  MRS.  NETTLE- 
TON  looks  at  him)  I  mean — it — it  must  have 
slipped  his  mind, 


92  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Steals  glance  at  the  door  R.) 
Yes,  possibly.  She'll  be  here  in  just  a  minute. 

JOHNS.    Good!    Where  is  she? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  We  met  Mr.  Vanderholt— 
quite  accidentally— going  to  his  office ;  and  Florence 
stopped  to  chat  with  him. 

JOHNS.    (A  little  taken  back)    Oh!    I  see! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Teasingly)  You'll  have  to 
look  out  for  Mr.  Vanderholt  (  Wags  finger)  He's 
awfully  handsome  and  a  dangerously  clever  lawyer. 

JOHNS.  Now,  don't  you  worry  over  Van — Nellie. 
I  have  something  for  Florence  that  will  make  Van 
look  like  a  ten  cent  piece  at  Tiffany's.  (Nods  to 
MRS.  NETTLETON— crosses  to  L.  i)  Excuse  me? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.    (Rising)    What  is  it,  T? 

JOHNS.  (Joyously)  You  ask  her — to-morrow! 
{Laughs — exits  L.  i) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Calling  after  him — cr asset 
to  c.)  I  will — when  I  see  it  on  her  finger! 

{Loud  laugh  off  R.  I,  from  SALLY  and  NETTLETON. 
MRS.  NETTLETON  looks  in  that  direction— '•her 
face  becomes  very  stern.) 

JOHNS.  (Calling  back)  George  is  still  busy. 
'{Closes  the  door  L.  i) 

SALLY.  (Runs  in  from  R.  i,  laughing  heartily — 
os  she  sees  MRS.  NETTLETON — the  laugh  ends  in  a 
gasp  of  surprise)  Oh !  Er — how  do  you  do,  Mrs. 
Nettleton ! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Regarding  her  severely  and 
speaking  with  haughty  dignity)  Quite  well,  thank 
you.  (SALLY  goes  quickly  to  the  type  desk  and  sits 
• — is  embarrassed)  I  never  knew  before  that — 
(Crosses  to  R.,  speaking  as  she  goes)  that  Mr.  Net- 
tleton's  correspondence  was  so  vastly  amusing. 
'(Exits*,  i) 

SALLY.  (Gaining  courage  as  the  door  closes- 
makes  face)  Huh! 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  23 

TONY.  (Enters  from  u.  L.,  comes  in  hurriedly— 
speaks  as  he  opens  the  gate)  Ah!  Miss  Parker! 
(Goes  swiftly  to  front  of  the  desk  c.  SALLY 
PARKER  does  like-wise — TONY  speaks  as  he  walks) 
As  sweet  and  as  charming  as  ever,  (Takes  off  his 
hat  and  holds  it  in  his  left  hand  with  cane — takes 
SALLY'S  right  hand  and  holds  it  up  to  kiss)  I  greet 
thee  with  a  hungry  kiss! 

SALLY.  (Laughing)  Why,  Tony,  how  do  you 
do!  (Goes  back  to  the  type  desk — sits) 

KROME.  (Enters  u.  R.  with  some  papers — sees 
TONY — rushes  to  him — shakes  hands  with  TONY 
from  above  the  desk  c.)  Hello,  Tony!  When  did 
you  get  in? 

TONY.  (Puts  the  cane  and  hat  on  the  desk  c., 
shakes  hands  with  KROME)  Ten-fifty,  limited,  old 
chap. 

KROME.    How  are  you? 

TONY.  Still  busy,  boozy  and  begrimed.  Where's 
Fighting  George  and  Tackling  T  ?  (Looks  R.  and  L. 
as  he  mentions  the  names — and  imitates  a  boxer 
and  a  football  player) 

KROME.  (Loud  whisper — points  to  L.  and  R.  with 
loth  hands)  Offices. 

TONY.  In  their  offices  ?  Good  work !  (Picks  up 
his  cane  and  starts  R.)  I'm  in  a  hurry! 

SALLY.  (Half  rises — puts  out  hand  in  warning) 
Er — Tony — His  wife  is  with  him. 

TONY.  (Pauses  a  moment  as  SALLY  speaks — • 
then  rushes  at  the  door  R.  i,  and  pounds  it  with  his 
cane)  I  don't  want  his  wife — I  want  him !  (SALLY 
and  KROME  look  at  each  other  in  alarm — KROME 
goes  to  the  desk  u.  c.  TONY  makes  a  dash  for  the 
door  L.  and  administers  the  same  treatment  to 
it)  I've  got  something  that  will  wake  'em  up 
till  they'll  never  hit  the  sheets  again.  (Goes  to 
front  of  the  desk  c.  Puts  cane  on  same — stands 
waiting  for  the  partners)  You  watch  little  Tony 


24  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

Toler!  (NETTLETON  and  JOHNS  enter  and  look  at 
TONY  in  outraged  astonishment, — he  smiles  and 
nods  at  them)  Good  morning,  boys !  Well,  here  I 
am!  (As  they  both  stride  forward  angrily,  he 
holds  out  both  hands  to  stop  them)  Now,  don't  get 
excited — please — please!  (They  stop  within  a  few 
feet  of  TONY  and  stand  looking  at  him)  You  are 
going  to  love  me !  (Speaks  first  to  NETTLETON  then 
to  JOHNS)  In  fact  I  think  you're  going  to  slip  me  a 
little  kiss!  (As  they  raise  their  hands  threaten- 
ingly— he  raises  his  voice  and  puts  up  hands  to 
protect  himself)  But  I  don't  want  it.  Say  boys — 
(Slaps  his  hands — looks  from  JOHNS  to  NETTLE- 
TON)  I've  almost — I  say,  almost — landed  the 
North-western  Drug  Company  .  .  . 

NETTLETON.    What ! 

JOHNS.    (Slaps  Tony  on  the  back)    Good  boy! 

TONY.  (Addressing  first  one  and  then  the  other) 
Worked  it  through  their  President,  Mr.  Sammy 
Applegate.  A  big  man — (Slaps  hands)  and  a  live 
wire.  He's  in  town  now— ( Gleefully)  On  his 
bridal  trip, — and  if  I  can  get  him  here  in  his  pres- 
ent condition — (Kisses  his  hand  to  heaven)  He's 
ours! 

JOHNS.  (Enthusiastic)  Great!  When  will  yor 
bring  him? 

TONY.    (Change  of  tone)    That  depends. 

NETTLETON.     On  what? 

TONY.  On  you!  (  Very  brisk  and  business-like) 
Of  course  it's  not  in  my  contract,  but  both  of  you 
promised,  that  the  day  I  brought  in  the  scalp-lock 
of  the  Northwestern,  you'd  make  me  a  partner  in 
this  firm  with  a  quarter  interest  and  ten  per  cent 
commission  on  my  sales.  (As  they  both  move  back 
slightly)  Now,  then,  does  it  go? 

NETTLETON.  (A  step  or  two  R.)  Well  I — I  don't 
know  about  that.  The  business  has  increased  since 
then 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  25 

TONY.  (Snaps  him  up)  So  has  the  Northwest* 
crn's  business.  They  control  the  patent  medicine 
trade  west  of  the  Mississippi.  I'll  double  your 
profits  and  put  you  where  you  ought  to  have  been 
three  years  ago.  (Change  of  tone)  Question:  Do 
I  come  in?  (Folds  arms — looks  at  NETTLETON) 

NETTLETON.    Well,  I  don't  know 

JOHNS.  (Emphatically)  You  bet  you  doi 
(TONY  turns  quickly  and  catches  JOHNS  by  the 
hand  with  both  his  hands)  When  /  make  a  prom- 
ise, I  keep  it.  Go  to  it,  Tony ! 

TONY.  (Shaking  JOHNS'  hand  hard)  Thank 
you,  Mr.  Johns!  (Turns  and  faces  NETTLETON) 
Well,  Mr.  Nettleton? 

NETTLETON.  Well — I  guess  he's  right.  (JOHNS 
swells  up — TONY'S  face  beams)  For  the  first  time 
since  I've  known  him.  TONY  laughs — JOHNS  glares 
at  NETTLETON)  You  bring  Mr.  Applegate  and  I'll 
sign  the  contract. 

JOHNS.  No,  no,  we'll  sign  the  contract.  (ToNY 
picks  up  hat  and  cane — starts  to  L.  JOHNS  stops 
TONY  as  he  starts  out)  WThere  did  you  nail  him, 
Tony? 

TONY.  (Stops,  goes  to  center — again  speakst 
first  to  one  then  the  other)  On  the  train,  last  night 
— A  miracle!  (To  JOHNS)  His  bride  ate  soft  shell 
crabs  and  a  charlotte  russe — (Makes  a  face,  rubs 
his  stomach — the  partners  register)  then  doubled  up 
like  a  pretty  little  jack-knife. 

NETTLETON.    My,  my ! 

JOHNS.     (Shakes  head)    Too  bad! 

TONY.  (Nearly  explodes)  Bad!  The  greatest 
thing  that  ever  happened.  (  JOHNS  and  NETTLETON 
draw  closer)  I  handed  her  a  bow.  (Bows  to 
JOHN,  very  low}  Then — (Turns  to  NETTLETON) 
I  slipped  her  a  couple  of  our  digestive  pills.  I 
waited — with  sweat  upon  my  marble  brow.  (Puts 
hand  to  head — and  leans  on  his  cane — JOHNS  kicks 


26  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

away  the  cane — NETTLETON  shakes  his  fist  at  him— 
TONY  crosses  to  L.  swinging  the  cane — then  turns) 
In  just  one  quarter  of  an  hour,  the  pretty  little 
jack-knife  was — a  smiling  flower.  (Waves  his  hat 
in  triumph) 

NETTLETON.     (Laughing)    Good  business,  great ! 

(ToNY  laughs — starts  up  L.) 

JOHN.  (At  L.  corner  of  the  desk  c.)  Make  a  hit 
with  Hubby? 

TONY.  (Turns  down-stage  a  step)  A  hit! 
(Comes  close  to  JOHNS — puts  his  hat  up  to  his 
mouth  to  keep  SALLY  from  hearing  him)  Say,  for 
the  rest  of  the  trip  he  didn't  know  which  was  his 
bride  and  which  was  me.  Well,  I'm  off.  (Laughs, 
goes  up  L.  and  turns  at  the  rail)  I'll  have  him 
wrapped  and  tagged  in  twenty  minutes.  You  watch 
little  Tony  Toler.  (Puts  hat  on  the  side  of  his 
head,  waves  to  them — exits  u.  L.) 

JOHNS.  (Takes  a  step  or  two  up-stage  after 
TONY,  then  back  to  front  of  the  desk  c.)  Snappy 
little  fellow,  George ;  and  he's  going  to  make  a  firs! 
class  partner. 

NETTLETON.  (Loftily)  U'm,  yes — and  don't 
forget  it  was  /  who  first  employed  him.  You  can'1 
take  that  from  me.  (Crosses  to  R.  with  a  swagger) 

JOHNS.  And  two  years  ago  when  you  wanted  to 
fire  him,  I  made  you  keep  him,  and  you  can't  take 
that  from  me.  (Crosses  to  L.) 

NETTLETON.  (Turns  at  door  R.,  glares  at  JOHNS) 
You  made  me ! 

JOHNS.     (At  door  L.)     >.  did! 

NETTLETON.    (Opens  the  door  R.)    Bah ! 

JOHNS.  (Opens  the  door  L.)  Bah — bah!  (They 
both  slam  the  doors  hard  at  the  same  time  as  they 
exit  R.  and  L.) 

JIMMY.     (Enters  from  u.  L.,  comes  to  above  the 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  fl? 

desk  to  c.)  Say,  Miss  Parker!  Lady  by  de  name 
of  Cole,  waitin',  outside. 

SALLY.  (Rising)  Coie?  Mr.  Johns' girl.  Show 
her  in. 

JIMMY.     (Grinning)     She's  some  girl,  too. 

(FLORENCE  COLE  enters  u.  L.     JIMMY  opens  the 
gate  for  her.) 

FLORENCE.  (Going  to  c.  above  the  desk  c.,  speaks 
to  JIMMY  as  he  opens  the  gate  for  her)  Thank  you, 
Jimmy!  ( JIMMY  grins  and  exits  u.  L.  FLORENCE 
to  SALLY)  Pardon  me  for  interrupting  you,  but  is 
Mrs.  Nettleton  here? 

SALLY.  Yes — with  Mr.  Nettleton.  (Starts  down 
R.  towards  NETTLETON'S  office}  Shall  I  tell  her 
you 

FLORENCE.  (Quickly}  No,  no,  no!  Don't  inter- 
rupt them — please !  But,  would  you  mind  saying  to 
Mr.  Johns,  that  Miss  Cole  is  calling?  (Smiles  at 
SALLY) 

SALLY.  (Cheerfully)  With  pleasure,  Miss  Cole. 
(Goes  L.,  beaming)  That's  something  like  it. 
(Taps  and  enters  JOHNS'  office  L.  as  MRS.  NETTLE- 
TON  enters  from  R.  I,  comes  on  a  few  steps) 

FLORENCE.  (Crosses  to  MRS.  NETTLETON — 
greets  her  as  she  goes)  Hello,  Nell ! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Oh!  You  found  the  way, 
did  you? 

FLORENCE.    I  was  escorted  to  the  door 

MRS,  NETTLETON.    By  Mr.  Vanderholt? 

SALLY.  (Enters  from  L.  i,  goes  to  the  type-desk 
and  sits — speaks  as  she  goes)  He'll  be  here  in  just 
a  moment ! 

FLORENCE.  (Nods  head  to  SALLY — Smiles  at 
her — puts  her  hand  bag  on  R.  side  of  the  desk  c, 
and  walks  to  L.  by  way  of  below  the  desk  c. — • 
Speaks  as  she  goes)  Is  this  the  pillery?  (Looks 


28  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Yes;  this  is  where  they  toil 
and  slave  for  us. 

FLORENCE.  (Stands  L.  of  the  chair  L.  of  the 
table  c. )  My !  And  how  prosperous  they  seem  to 
be! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Aren't  they?  But  the  best 
part  of  it  is  they  get  along  so  well  together.  (SALLY 
laughs.  MRS.  NETTLETON  looks  at  her — also  FLOR- 
ENCE. They  express  great  surprise.  SALLY,  con" 
scious  of  their  attention,  checks  herself  and  types 
vigorously)  Most  business  partners  are  continu- 
ally having  their  little  differences,  but  George  and 
T,  are  just  like  brothers. 

(SALLY  again  laughs — MRS.  NETTLETON  and  FLOR- 
ENCE look  at  her  in  annoyance — SALLY  turns  to 
the  typewriter  and  becomes  very  busy.) 

FLORENCE.  (Looking  from  L.  to  R.)  Where  arc 
they  now —  ?  Rolling  little  purple  pills  ? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Florence!  The  idea!  Alf 
that  is  done  at  the  factory  where  George  used  to  be 
before  T  was  in  the  firm. 

FLORENCE.  I  thought  they  went  in  together. 
(Looks  MRS.  NETTLETON  straight  in  the  eye) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Oh  dear  no!  George  was  the 
real  originator  of  the  business  and,  naturally,  has 
the  greater  care  and  responsibility. 

FLORENCE.  (In  surprise)  Has  he?  Why,  I 
judged  from  T's  letters,  that  most  of  the  labor  fell 
on  him! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  The  labor — yes.  George  does 
the  brain  work — and  gives  it  to  T  to  carry  out. 

(SALLY  begins  to  laugh  and  as  MRS.  NETTLETON 
and  FLORENCE  turn,  she  claps  a  handkerchief 
to  her  mouth  and  runs  cut  u.  R.  FLORENCE 
rises  and  follows  her  to  the  right  end  of  the 
high  desk  u.  c.  MRS., NETTLETON  glares — of 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  29 

the  laugh  dies  FLORENCE  comes  to  R.  of  MRS. 
NETTLETON.) 

FLORENCE.  Good  gracious !  (Starts  L.  above  th& 
desk  c.)  What's  the  matter  with  her? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.     I  don't  know,  I'm  sure ! 

FLORENCE.  (Apprehensively)  Is  she — er — T's 
stenographer  ? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Stiffly)  No — George's.  T 
has  just  ordered  several — of  assorted  colors — 
(FLORENCE  expresses  relief)  Three  darks — two 
lights — and  one  red. 

FLORENCE.  (Laughs)  I  hope  he  chooses  the 
red! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  I  hope  for  your  sake  she'll 
prove  less  humorous  than  that.  (Crosses  to  R., 
knocks  on  the  door — opens  slightly — calls.  FLOR- 
ENCE crosses  to  L.  at  the  same  time)  George  dear, 
hurry,  won't  you  ?  I'm  waiting ! 

FLORENCE.  (At  the  door  L.)  Did  you  tell  T 
that  I  was  here?  You  know  there  are  two  part- 
ners in  this  firm ! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  I  told  him  when  I  first  came 
in.  (Quickly)  Oh,  Florence,  I  have  a  secret— 
(Beckons  to  FLORENCE — they  both  run  to  c.)  But 
don't  say  I  told  you!  (Indicates  JOHNS'  door) 
He's  been  to  Tiffany's — and  while  he  didn't  tell 
me — in  so  many  words 

JOHNS.  (Enters  from  L.  MRS.  NETTLETON  back 
a  step — warns  FLORENCE,  who  turns  at  sound  of 
JOHNS'  voice)  Why,  Florence!  (Advances  joy- 
ously) 

FLORENCE.  (Crosses  to  JOHNS)  T!  How  are 
you?  (FLORENCE  and  JOHNS  catch  hands  and 
swing  about,  landing  FLORENCE  to  L.  of  him) 

JOHNS.  (Beams  on  her)  Well,  bless  your  heart! 
What  bully  good  wind  brings  you  down  from  Al- 
bany? 


30  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

FLORENCE.  Shopping.  Came  down  on  a  flying 
trip,  swooped  upon  Nellie,  and  trotted  her  along. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Crosses  to  JOHNS)  Arid  1 
found  I  didn't  have  a  cent  of  money  in  my  purse, 
so  I  had  to  come  here  before  going  shopping. 

JOHNS.  And  I'm  grateful  to  any  cause  that 
brings  two  such  charming  ladies  to  my  humble 
door — (They  all  start  off  L.  i.  JOHNS  between 
them— he  takes  them  by  the  arms — FLORENCE  is  up- 
stage of  him  and  NELLIE  down-stage.  NETTLETON 
enters  from  R.  i,  and  stands  frowning  at  the  Pic- 
ture) Enter! 

NETTLETON.  (Gruffly)  H'm — Anybody  going 
to  speak  to  me?  (At  the  sound  of  NETTLETON 's 
voice  all  turn) 

FLORENCE.  (Crosses  to  NETTLETON  with  little 
laugh  of  pleasure)  Oh!  Of  course,  how  are  you, 
George?  (GEORGE  smiles,  shakes  hands  with  FLOR- 
ENCE; JOHNS  is  not  particularly  pleased — FLORENCE 
then  goes  above  the  desk  c.  to  L.  to  JOHNS) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Crosses  quickly  to  MR.  NET- 
TLETON)  I'll  speak  to  you.  I  forgot  to  tell  you — 
(As  he  looks  at  her  in  surprise)  I  want  some  shop- 
ping money — • 

NETTLETON.  (Makes  face — JOHNS  and  FLOR- 
ENCE smile)  A  novel  idea. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  If  you  haven't  the  cash,  I'll 
take  a  check. 

JOHNS.  Oh,  Nellie!  If  you  and  Florence  can 
wait  for  half  an  hour,  I'd  like  to  have  you  lunch 
with  me. 

(NETTLETON  registers  and  turns  away.) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Thank  you,  T,  but  we  haven't 
the  time.  Besides,  I  hardly  think  I  ought  to  lunch 
with  you.  (Goes  to  front  of  the  desk  c.) 

No? 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  31 

FLORENCE.  Why  not?  (Looks  from  one  to  the 
other — smiles') 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  You  haven't  been  up  to  din- 
ner for  nearly  a  month — has  he,  George  ? 

NETTLETON.  Huh!  (Walks  up-stage  R.  FLOR- 
ENCE and  MRS.  NETTLETON  register) 

FLORENCE.    Why,  T. 

JOHNS.  (Stealing  glance  at  NETTLETON  to  note 
effect)  Er — I've  been  frightfully  busy  of  late. 
George  has  only  the  manufacturing  end  of  it  and 
the  principal  and  more  important  part  of  the  busi- 
ness falls  on  me. 

NETTLETON.  (Comes  quickly  down  R.,  shouts  in 
spite  of  himself)  What's  that? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Speaking  at  the  same  time) 
What? 

JOHNS.  (Enjoying  it — speaks  to  MRS.  NETTLE- 
TON — while  GEORGE  stands  glaring  at  JOHNS  and 
controlling  himself  with  great  difficulty)  I  mean 
that  every  firm  has  got  to  carry  some  dead  wood. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Looks  at  JOHNS  in  surprise 
—NETTLETON  nearly  chokes)  George  dear !  What 
is  it? 

NETTLETON.  (Goes  swiftly  to  MRS.  NETTLETON, 
puts  his  arm  about  her  waist  and  starts  her  to  R., 
strives  to  hide  his  rage)  Er — Nellie !  Come  into 
my  office,  will  you,  I'll  draw  that  check!  (Takes 
MRS.  NETTLETON  as  far  as  the  door  R.  i) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (As  she  is  taken  to  the  door) 
But,  darling,  what  is  it  ? 

NETTLETON.  (Opening  the  door  R.  I,  MRS.  NET- 
TLETON stepping  in  a  bit  and  turning  to  hear  what 
is  said.  NETTLETON  glares  at  JOHNS  and  speaks  in 
angry  sarcasm)  Nothing!  Only — I'm  afraid  of 
taking  up  more  of  Napoleon's  valuable  time. 

(Mas.  NETTLETON  looks  at  NETTLETON  in  surprist 
and  exits — quickly  R.  i.  NETTLETON  follows 
and  slams  the  door) 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 


FLORENCE.    (Crosses  to  R.  nof  knowing  just 
to  take  the  outburst,  JOHNS  laughs}    My  goodness! 
What's  the  matter  with  him  ? 

JOHNS.  {Laughing  and  crossing  to  -front  of  the 
desk  c.)  Liver  I  guess,  needs  a  couple  of  his  own 
pills.  (Change  of  tone)  But  look  here!  Surely 
you  aren't  going  back  to  Albany  to-night  ? 

FLORENCE.  (Goes  to  JOHNS — smiles  up  at  him) 
Oh,  but  I  must.  Father's  away  and  Mother  is  quite 
alone.  (-Looking  at  him  sideways)  Besides,  you 
are  not  particularly  glad  to  see  me. 

JOHNS.     (Very  seriotts)    I'm  not! — why  not? 

FLORENCE.  (Faces  him-^vuags  finger  at  him) 
Because  when  I  came  to  see  you — especially — •* 
took  you  just  four  whole  minutes  to  come  out  of 
your  cubby  hole,  I  expected  you  to  jump.  (Pre~ 
tends  to  pout) 

JOHNS.  (Smiles)  Aha!  But  I  had  a  reason! 
(FLORENCE  sits  on  the  R.  side  of  the  desk  c.)  T 
was  digging  in  my  safe  for  this !  {Looks  for  it — 
has  trouble  finding  same) 

FLORENCE.  (Delighted)  Oh  well,  if  it's  nice, 
I'll  forgive  you.  What  is  it?  (JOHNS  finds  the 
ring.  He  holds  up  the  ring,  she  takes  it  and  holds 
it  up  to  admire)  Oh !  A  ring !  Two  diamonds 
and  a  ruby!  It's  perfectly  exquisite!  Who's  it 
for?  (Begins  to  take  off  her  glove  rapidly) 

JOHNS.  {Earnestly,  puts  hands  on  the  desk,  leans 
close  to  FLORENCE)  For  the  finest,  jolliest,  loveli- 
est, most  beautiful,  most  perfect,  little  scout  be- 
tween Iceland  and  the  Panama  canal ;  for  the  great- 
est most  glorious,  most.  .  .  . 

FLORENCE.  (Raises  hand  to  stop  him — laughs) 
Hold  on,  T!  There's  only  one  like  that!!  (Holds 
up  her  finger  and  smiles  at  him)  Slip  it  on — with 
8  wish,  darling,  with  a  wish. 

JOHNS.    All  right!     (Posing  ring  with  left  hand 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  33 

and  catches  FLORENCE'S  hand  with  his  right)  I 
wish  .  .  .  (JOHNS  feels  the  ring  on  FLORENCE'S 
finger — turns  and  looks  at  her)  Hello,  what's  that 
ring? 

FLORENCE.     (Fencing)    Oh,  that  ring? 

JOHNS.    Yes,  that  one  around  your  finger. 

FLORENCE.     (Smiles  her  sweetest)    That's  mine ! 

JOHNS.  (Real  serious)  Yes,  I  know — but  who 
gave  it  to  you — Mr.  Vanderholt?  (Puts  hands  in 
pockets,  takes  a  few  steps  left,  turns) 

FLORENCE.  (Laughing)  Your  lawyer?  Why? 
T,  don't  you  know  if  I  had  had  a  love  affair  with  a 
lawyer,  that  he  would  have  had  the  ring,  not  I? 
Are  you  satisfied?  (She  smiles  and  JOHNS,  after  a 
second  he  smiles  at  her  then  they  both  laugh 
lightly) 

JOHNS.  Perfectly.  (Goes  to  the  desk,^  sits  by 
FLORENCE — puts  the  ring  on  her  finger — kisses  her 
on  the  hand)  What  do  I  get  for  mine? 

FLORENCE.  (Coyly  edges  up  to  him  until  she 
presses  close  to  him  before  she  speaks)  It  depends 
Upon  what  you  want.  (JOHNS  puts  his  arms  about 
her  and  squeezes  her)  Oh  don't!  You  mustn't 
kiss  me  here!  (Looks  about  in  alarm)  Somebody 
might  come  in— -don't! 

JOHNS.  (Springs  up  from  the  desk,  catches 
FLORENCE  by  the  -wrist  and  pulls  her  to  L.  stage) 
Then  come  in  here — my  office ! 

FLORENCE.  (Hanging  back — pleadingly)  Oh  no 
— no !  That  would  seem  so  cold  blooded ! 

JOHNS.    It  won't  be  when  you  get  it ! 

FLORENCE.  No,  maybe  not,  but — (Looks  quickly 
about — makes  up  her  mind  and  turns  back  to 
JOHNS.  JIMMY  enters  from  up  R.  with  some  papers, 
starts  slowly  to  L.)  I  think  I'll  risk  it  here — quick! 
(JOHNS  takes  her  in  his  arms  and  gives  her  a  kiss. 
They  hold  the  picture — until  JIMMY,  who  on  sud- 
denly seeing  what  is  going  on — bolts  out  the  doof 


34  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

U.  R.,  banging  same  violently — FLORENCE  and  JOHNS 
jump  and  release  each  other — FLORENCE  goes  up- 
stage a  few  steps.  Looks  in  the  direction  of  the 
sound — JOHNS  looks  guiltily')  What  was  that? 

JOHNS.  (Breathlessly — frightened  tone}  I  don't 
know — I  guess  it  was  my  heart  turning  a  double 
somersault !  (Starts  quickly  to  FLORENCE)  Come 
on!  Make  it  do  it  again!  (He  runs  after  FLOR- 
ENCE, who  eludes  him,  running  to  R.  back  of  the 
desk  c.,  holds  out  her  hands  to  ward  him  off — when 
she  gets  to  R.  of  the  chair  of  the  desk  c.  she  stops — 
puts  up  her  hands  and  in  a  tone  that  JOHNS  recog- 
nizes as  meaning  business — speaks — and  JOHNS 
stops  in  his  pursuit  of  her)  Oh  no,  I  prefer  it 
right  side  up !  No,  no,  I  mean  it — (Looking  at  the 
ftti  boxes  on  the  desk  c.)  My,  what  prettily  col- 
ored boxes !  (Sits  R.  of  the  desk  c.,  picks  up  a  box 
of  pills  from  the  desk} 

JOHNS.  (Holds  up  a  box  of  pills  which  he  gets 
from  the  desk  c.)  Aha1  The  secret  of  the  firm's 
success.  That  color  mine.  (As  FLORENCE  turns  to 
him  inquiringly)  George  was  in  business  first,  but 
the  pill  he  was  putting  up  tasted  so — er  simply  vil- 
lainous, that  the  public  said  it  would  be — (Stops 
himself  fust  in  time) 

FLORENCE.  (Smiles  up  at  JOHNS,  who  stands 
above  the  desk  c.)  Go  on — say  it — that's  one  half 
of  matrimony.  What's  in  the  pills  ? 

JOHNS.    Eh  ? 

FLORENCE.    What  are  they? 

JOHNS.  (Looks  knowingly  at  FLORENCE — laughs 
— FLORENCE  smiles  inquiringly — JOHNS  gives  an- 
other little  laugh)  What  are  they — what  are  they 
not?  (JOHNS  motions  FLORENCE  to  pay  close  atten- 
tion) Cincona,  colchicum,  (As  JOHNS  mentions  the 
different  names,  he  makes  a  face  to  show  how  aw- 
ful they  taste — each  one  in  the  order  he  names 
them,  being  worse  than  the  preceding — FLORENCK 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  35 

makes  face  in  sympathy  with  JOHNS)  aloes,  asa- 
fedita,  strychnine,  sodium  and  a  compound  of  rati- 
fied peptinoids 

FLORENCE.     (Makes  face  and  laughs)    Waugh! 

JOHNS.  (Nods — waves  the  box  of  pills)  Ex- 
actly. Then  I  came  along  and  corrected  it.  In- 
vented a  sugar  coating  to  take  off  the  curse — and 
colored  it  with  violet — (Opens  the  box,  shows  her 
the  pills)  Look!  The  present  most  fashionable 
tint.  My  work,  my  art!  (Strikes  a  pose — and 
looks  at  her  for  approval — she  laughs  and  nods  to 
him) 

FLORENCE.  {Mock  tragic)  Do  children  cry  for 
them? 

JOHNS.  {Imitates  tone)  They  howl!  (Indi- 
cates the  box)  In  its  present  perfected  state  it  is 
known  as  the  little  pill  that  fills  the  bill.  (Takes 
several  boxes  from  the  tray  on  the  desk  c.  and  ex- 
tends towards  her)  Take  some  along,  won't  you? 

FLORENCE.  (Jumps  to  her  feet — moves  a  few 
feet  R.  and  faces  him)  No — no — no  thank  you!  I 
still  have  you  to  live  for.  (They  both  laugh 
heartily)  Is  this  where  your  genius  germinates? 
(Crosses  to  L.) 

JOHNS.  (Following  FLORENCE  and  crossing  back 
of  her  to  the  door  L.,  holds  it  open,  motions  her  in) 
The  official  cubby,  walk  in.  (As  FLORENCE  passes 
in)  This  side  of  the  office  represents  the  brains 
and  blood.  .  .  .  (Jerking  thumb  over  shoulder) 
(NETTLETON  and  MRS.  NETTLETON  enter)  That 
side  the  bone  and  fat!  (Exits  into  office  L.  i) 

NETTLETON.  (Crossing  to  L.  in  rage,  goes  up  L. 
and  back  to  L.  of  the  desk  c.,  speaking  as  he  goes) 
You  hear  that,  Nellie!  You  hear  that?  He's  the 
brains  and  blood !  and  I'm  the  bone  and  fat !  Agh ! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Coming  to  front  of  the  desk 
C.)  Now,  deai — don't!  Perhaps  he's  only  joking. 

NETTLETON.        (Fiercely)        Joking  —  Joking: 


36  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

(Shakes  his  finger  at  MRS.  NETTLETON)  I  tell  you, 
Nellie,  he's  doing  it  all  the  time!  Continually 
knocking  my  splendid  work  and  praising  his  own 
childish  efforts  to  the  skies.  What's  he  done  for 
the  business,  any  way  ?  Nothing.  (Pounds  the  desk 
in  accompaniment) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Trying  to  pacify  him — soft 
tone — taking  up  one  of  the  pill  boxes  from  the 
desk  c.)  Yes,  dear,  of  course  .  .  .  but  still,  you 
must  admit,  that  the  violet  coloring  is  beautiful. 
(Tosses  the  box  back  in  the  tray) 

NETTLETON.  (Crosses  to  R.,  speaks  as  he  goes — • 
Sarcastically')  Beautiful!  So  is  my  bull  pup  but 
that's  not  his  work,  thank  God. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Following  as  far  as  R.  side 
of  the  desk  c.,  speaks  soothingly')  Now;  darling, 
don't,  it  will  never  do  for  such  old  friends  to  quar- 
rel. T  has  been  like  a  member  of  the  family  for 
years.  Of  course  we  all  have  our  little  weaknesses, 
but  you  don't  seem  to  realize  that  sometimes  he  may 
be  right  and  you  wrong. 

NETTLETON.  (Throws  up  his  hands')  That's 
right!  Take  up  for  him!  Run  me  down!  I'm  only 
your  husband. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Reproachfully,  as  she  sits  R. 
of  desk  c. )  George  I 

NETTLETON.  (Storms  to  above  the  desk  c.)  I 
cell  you,  Nellie,  when  a  man's  business  troubles  get 
into  .ais  home — it's  just  about  time  to  quit. 
(Sternly)  Hereafter,  you  keep  out  of  itl 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Oh  well,  if  you  take  that 
tone  I'm  rather  sorry  I  came  to  see  you.  (MRS. 
NETTLETON  rises,  takes  a  step  R.  at  the  same  time 
NETTLETON,  who  has  been  holding  the  check  in  his 
hand  starts  to  put  same  in  his  inside  coat  pocket — • 
MRS.  NETTLETON  sees  the  attempt  and  quickly 
snatches  the  check  from  him — folds  it  and  puts  it 
in  her  purse — as  she  goes  R.)  Give  me  my  check, 
that's  all  I  came  for,  anyhow. 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  37 

NETTLETON.  (Registers  his  discomfiture— 
KROME  enters  from  u.  R.  with  some  papers  which  he 
puts  in  the  file  u.  R.  NETTLETON  shouts  to  him) 
Krome!  (KROME  takes  a  step  forward  all  atten- 
tion) You  tell  that  —  (Points  to  JOHNS'  office-* 
FLORENCE  and  JOHNS  enter  —  NETTLETON  glares  at 
JOHNS,  speaks  sarcastically)  Never  mind  —  there  it 
is! 

(KROME  gives  a  frightened  nod  and  exits  quickly 


FLORENCE.  (As  MRS.  NETTLETON  starts  to  L.  to 
JOHNS  —  she  goes  above  table  c.  to  GEORGE  down  R., 
j  peaks  to  NELLIE,  as  she  starts  to  go)  Going, 
Nellie? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (As  she  crosses  to  JOHNS— 
speaks  sarcastically)  Yes.  We  are  in  the  way  —  of 
business!  (Affably  to  JOHNS)  Good-bye  T. 
Come  up  soon  —  to  dinner  —  won't  you?  (Shakes 
hands  with  JOHNS) 

JOHNS.  (Grinning)  I  will  —  the  very  first  time 
George  invites  me. 

NETTLETON.  (Scowling  at  JOHNS)'  Huh! 
(Turns  his  back) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Now  don't  you  wait  for  him. 
Come  to  see  me,  good-bye!  (MRS.  NETTLETON  and 
JOHNS  move  up  to  the  rail  u.  I.  JOHNS  opens  it  and 
MRS.  NETTLETON  steps  outside  and  opens  the  out- 
side door  and  stands  talking  with  JOHNS) 

FLORENCE.  (Picks  up  her  purse  from  the  desk  c. 
then  shakes  hands  with  NETTLETON)  Good-bye, 
George  !  I'm  so  glad  to  find  you  both  so  prosperous 
—  and  happy  ! 

NETTLETON.  (Smiles  to  FLORENCE  —  then  asidej 
Happy!  (To  FLORENCE)  Good-bye! 

FLORENCE.  (Runs  lightly  up  to  the  rail  u.  L.  fp 
JOHNS)  Good-bye,  T. 


38  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

JOHNS.  (Opens  rail  gate  for  FLORENCE  and  she 
steps  just  outside  and  turns  to  him)  Good-bye, 
Florence,  I'll  run  up  to  Albany  just  as  soon  as  I  can 
trust  George  with  the — er — critical  affairs  of  busi- 
ness. 

(NETTLETON  and  MRS.  NETTLETON  register.') 

FLORENCE.  Yes,  do — and  make  it  soon.  Good- 
bye !  (Holds  up  the  hand  with  the  ring  and  JOHNS 
kisses  it — then  FLORENCE  crosses,  MRS.  NETTLETON 
exits  u.  i,  calling  good-bye — MRS.  NETTLETON  fol« 
lows — closing  the  door  after  her — JOHNS  waves 
good-bye) 

(SALLY  enters  from  u.  R.,  goes  to  type  desk;  sits.) 

JOHNS.  (Hums  gleefully,  goes  to  NETTLETON, 
does  a  dance  step  as  he  crosses — as  he  reaches  NET- 
TLETON— pulls  his  vest  up  and  down)  Zit-Zit! 
(NETTLETON,  whose  nerves  are  on  edge,  jumps—* 
JOHNS  laughs  heartily  and  skips  to  L.) 

NETTLETON.  (Follows  JOHNS  as  far  as  center-^ 
shakes  his  finger  at  him,  speaks  in  anger  and  sar- 
casm) Hold  on  there,  Mr.  Blood  and  Brains,  the 
Bone  and  Fat  are  going  to  tell  you  something. 

JOHNS.  (Smiling — takes  a  step  to  NETTLETON) 
Yes?  Pray  do. 

NETTLETON.  (Close  to  JOHNS)  I  heard  you, 
why  did  you  make  that  statement  to  Miss  Cole  ? 

JOHNS.  (Airily,  with  an  irritating  smile)  From 
an  inborn  sense  of  justice  and  a  love  of  truth. 

NETTLETON.  Truth,  hell!  And  I'll  tell  you  this 
— if  you  wait  for  an  invitation  to  my  house,  you'll 
be  playing  music  on  a  harp.  (Moves  a  few  steps 

R.) 

JOHNS.  And  when  I  do  come,  you'll  be  attending 
to  business  for  once — with  a  pitch  fork!  (Few 
steps  L.) 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  39 

NETTLETON.  Well,  I'll  attend  to  business  now. 
I've  stood  for  you  long  enough  and  I'm  going  to 
dissolve  this  disgusting  partnership,  to-day! 

(KROME  enters  u.  R.,  comes  down-stage  as  far  cu 
the  type  desk — takes  some  papers  from  same.) 

JOHNS.    All  right,  that  suits  me ! 

NETTLETON.    Krome ! 

KROME.    Yes  sir. 

NETTLETON.  Call  up  my  lawyer,  ask  him  to 
come  over^right  away ! 

KROME.    Yes  sir. 

JOHNS.  Krome — you  can  say  to  my  attorney — 
that  I'm  just  as  anxious  to  see  him  as  Mr.  Nettle-" 
ton  is. 

KROME.  Yes  sir!  (Goes  to  the  phone  on  the 
high  desk  u.  c.,  takes  off  the  receiver} 

NETTLETON.  (At  the  door  R.,  holds  same  slightly 
open)  Nut ! 

JOHNS.    (At  the  open  door  L.)    Mut! 

NETTLETON.    What ! 

JOHNS.    (With  gesture)    Tut — tut! 

(NETTLETON  and  JOHNS  go  into  their  offices  R.  and 
L.,  slam  the  doors  hard — SALLY  and  KROME 
jump. ) 

KROME.     (At  phone)     Hello!    2480  Rector! 

SALLY.    (At  typewriter)    Say,  Charlie! 

KROME.    Yes? 

SALLY.  This  place  reminds  me  of  the  man  who 
had  both  hands  cut  off. 

KROME.    Well? 

SALLY.  (Dryly — as  she  uses  the  rubber  on  a 
sheet  of  type  paper)  And  then  he  got  the  hives. 

KROME.      (Laughs    heartily.      Then    in 
Hello!    That  you,  Mr.  Vanderholt?    Krome 


40  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

ing.  Yes  sir.  Mr.  Johns  and  Mr.  Nettleton  would 
like  you  to  come  right  away,  sir.  (Slight  pause) 
All  right,  sir.  Thank  you.  Good-bye.  (Hangs  up 
the  receiver — sighs,  walks  down  to  the  desk  D.  L., 
speaking  as  he  goes}  I  guess  this  is  the  finish  for 
us,  Miss  Sally. 

TONY.  (Enters  from  u.  L.  followed  by  MR.  AP- 
plegate,  he  goes  to  L.  of  the  desk  c.  MR.  APPLE- 
GATE  conies  to  L.  of  him)  Right  this  way,  Mr.  Ap- 
plegatel  (Indicates  KROME)  Our  bookkeeper,  Mr. 
Krome.  (APPLEGATE  and  KROME  bow)  Miss 
Parker,  kindly  announce  Mr.  Applegate.  (KROME 
exits  quickly  L.  I,  and  SALLY  R.  i.  TONY  pushes 
chair  L.  of  the  desk  c.,  towards  MR.  APPLEGATE) 
Have  a  seat!  (APPLEGATE  bows  his  thanks)  I 
want  you  to  meet  the  members  of  my  firm,  a  team ! 
The  finest  pair  that  ever  pushed  a  pill ! 

APPLEGATE.  (Puts  silk  hat  on  the  desk  c.) 
Thank  you,  Mr.  Toler,  it  will  be  a  pleasure.  A  per- 
fect partnership,  Mr.  Toler,  should  run  with  the 
same  degree  of  order  and  lack  of  friction — as  the 
home  affairs  of  a  happily  married  couple.  (Has 
taken  off  his  gloves  and  tosses  them  in  his  hat) 

TONY.  (Grinning)  Yes.  That's  what  we  have 
here — just  one  long  honeymoon.  (As  JOHNS  en- 
ters from  L.  followed  by  KROME,  who  stands  in  the 
doorway  L.  I.  TONY  crosses  back  of  APPLEGATE  to 
JOHNS)  Mr.  Johns,  I  have  the  honor  to  intro- 
duce  

JOHNS.  (Pushing  TONY  back  and  advancing 
with  out-stretched  hand  to  APPLEGATE)  Ah !  Mr. 
Applegate.  (TONY  retreats  a  few  steps  up-stag e  in 
hurt  astonishment)  This  is,  indeed,  a  pleasure. 
Johns  is  my  name  and.  .  .  .  (As  NETTLETON  enters 
from  R.  followed  by  SALLY,  who  goes  to  the  type 
desk  and  sits  and  watches  proceedings — JOHNS 
trwies  in  front  of  APPLEGATE  to  NETTLETON — who 
nands  looking  on — JOHNS  slaps  NETTLETON  on  the 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  41 

"back  and  when  NETTLETON  resents  it — makes  faces 
at  him,  trying  to  make  him  understand  that  for  ap- 
pearances, they  must  for  the  moment  bury  their 
differences.  He  pushes  NETTLETON  forward  to 
APPLEGATE,  who  drops  down-stage  a  step  and 
shakes  hands  with  NETTLETON  ;  TONY,  SALLY  and 
KROME  register}  Oh  come  in,  George!  Mr.  Ap- 
plegate,  permit  me  to  present  my  esteemed  partner, 
Mr.  Nettleton. 

APPLEGATE.  Well,  well,  well, — I  am  flattered,  in 
fact 

NETTLETON.    Have  a  seat,  sir. 

(APPLEGATE  takes  a  step  L.  JOHNS  crosses  to  chair 
L.  of  the  desk  c.  Makes  the  cross  in  back  of 
NETTLETON  and  APPLEGATE;  as  NETTLETON 
starts  -for  it  beats  him  to  it — pushes  toward 
APPLEGATE— NETTLETON  glares  it  him— TONY 
rushes  forward  to  assist  JOHNS,  pushes  him 
back.  He  goes  to  L.  of  ihe  high  stool  by  the 
high  desk — JIMMY  enters  from  u.  K.,  puts  some 
papers  on  the  high  desk.  APPLEGATE  sits.) 

JOHNS.    Yes  do! 

APPLEGATE.     Thank  you — thank  you. 

NETTLETON.  (To  APPLEGATE)  Pardon  me. 
(To  JIMMY)  Jimmy!  (JIMMY  runs  to  him)  My 
cigars,  and  pick  up  your  feet! 

JIMMY.  Yes  sir!  (Exits  R.,  picking  up  his  feet 
in  an  exaggerated  manner — SALLY  sticks  her  hand- 
kerchief in  her  mouth) 

JOHNS.  Don't  trouble,  George,  mine  are  nearer. 
(Turns  to  RROME,  speaks  sharply)  Krome,  get  my 
cigars,  my  private  box!  (KJROME  exits  quickly  L.) 

NETTLETON.  No  trouble,  dear  old  chap ;  none  in 
the  wide,  wide,  world.  (  JIMMY  enters  from  R.  with 
box  of  cigars,  lifts  feet  high,  goes  to  NETTLETON, 
who  snatches  the  box  from  him  as  soon  as  he 


42  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

comes  in  reach — opens  it  and  holds  it  out  to  APPLE- 
GATE)  Ah,  here  we  are!  Have  a  cigar,  sir!  (Ap- 
PLEGATE  takes  a  cigar  from  the  box  and  puts  same 
in  his  mouth — NETTLETON  does  same  then  gives  the 
box  back  to  JIMMY,  who  exits  R.  still  lifting  his 
•feet  high  to  the  amusement  of  SALLY.  KROME  en- 
ters from  L.  at  this  point — JOHNS  takes  the  box  of 
cigars  from  him} 

JOHNS.  Pardon  me — (He  snatches  the  cigar 
•from  the  mouth  of  APPLEGATE  and  throws  it  on  the 
floor,  then  holds  his  cigar  box  out  to  him — open. 
APPLEGATE  struggles  to  hide  his  feelings  and  selects 
a  cigar  and  puts  it  in  his  mouth-— everyone  gazes  at 
JOHNS  in  astonishment — JOHNS  then  takes  a  cigar 
for  himself — also  a  box  of  matches  (that  must  be 
in  the  cigar  box),  these  he  puts  in  his  left  hand — 
then  hands  the  cigar  box  back  to  KROME,  who  puts 
same  on  the  desk  L.  and  goes  up  to  L.  of  the  high 
stool  by  the  high  desk-~-ToNY  at  the  same  time  mov- 
ing to  R.  of  the  high  stool)  I  think  you  will  find 
the  Haver  of  these  a  trifle  more  agreeable.  Tobacco 
is  the  one  point  on  which  Nettleton  and  I  can  never 
quite  agree. 

NETTLETON.  (NETTLETON  takes  a  match  from 
the  stand  on  desk  c.,  lights  ii  and  puts  it  to  APPLE- 
GATE'S  cigar.  APPLEGATE  rises  at  the  same  time 
JOHNS  lights  match  and  he  pretends  help  light  the 
cigar  and  burns  NETTLETUN — who  springs  back 
with  a  cry  of  pain)  Ouch !  (NETTLETON  sticks  his 
hand  in  his  mouth  to  ease  the  pain — APPLEGATE 
fails  to  notice  the  incident  and  gets  a  light  from 
JOHNS'  match — JOHNS  gloats  over  the  trick,  lights 
his  own  cigar) 

APPLEGATE.  Thank  you;  I  was  about  to  say, 
gentlemen,  that  my  time  is  limited.  Let's  get  down 
to  business.  (APPLEGATE  sits  L.  of  the  desk  c. 
JOHNS  goes  above  the  desk) 

NETTLETON.  (Delighted)  Happy  to  serve  you, 
Mr.  Applegate.  (Sits  R.  of  the  desk  c.) 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  43 

JOHNS.  In  any  capacity.  (Sits  above  the  desk 
c.) 

APPLEGATE.  Good!  It  is  a  pleasure,  I  assure 
you,  to  transact  business  with  two  such  enterpris- 
ing young  men.  (TONY  and  SALLY  exchange  looks 
— JOHNS  and  NETTLETON  rise,  bow  to  APPLEGATE 
very  elaborately — then  make  faces  at  each  other 
and  sit)  Your  harmony  of  method  appeals  especi- 
ally to  me — a  newly  married  man.  (Leans  back  in 
his  seat  and  beams  on  them) 

NETTLETON.     (Rising)     What! 

JOHNS.  (Rising  at  the  same  time — Both  NETTLE- 
TON  and  JOHNS  extend  their  hands  to  APPLEGATE) 
You?  Congratulations ! 

X APPLEGATE  rises  smilingly;  NETTLETON  steps  for- 
ward and  is  about  to  grasp  his  hand  when 
JOHNS  leans  over  the  desk  and  catches  it  and 
pulls  APPLEGATE  toward  him — APPLEGATE  does 
an  undignified  fall  on  top  of  the  desk — re- 
covers himself,  smiles  and  shakes  hands  with 
JOHNS — NETTLETON  takes  a  few  steps  R.,  turns 
and  glares  at  JOHNS.  All  the  other  characters 
register.} 

NETTLETON.  (Strides  forward  and  succeeds  in 
getting  APPLEGATE'S  hand  which  he  shakes  warmly 
• — glaring  at  JOHNS,  who  smiles}  To  you  and  to 
the  lady.  I  have  a  very  charming  wife  myself. 

JOHNS.  And  /  am  about  to  have  one.  (He  gets 
APPLEGATE'S  hand  again  much  to  NETTLERON'S  an- 
noyance and  shakes  it} 

APPLEGATE.  (Beams}  Delightful !  All  three  in 
the  same  connubial  boat.  (The  three  sit — sigh  and 
puff}  I'm  interested  in  your  remedy,  through  your 
very  bright  young  salesman,  Mr.  Toler.  (Indicates 
TONY  with  a  wave  of  the  hand} 

(Who  has  been  waiting  for  a  chance  to 


44  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

butt  in.  With  great  spirit)  Ah,  thank  you,  sir. 
(Advances  rapidly,  bringing  chair  from  R.  of  thi 
high  desk  with  him  and  plants  himself  between 
JOHNS  and  NETTLETON — talks  fast  and  waves  hu 
arms  excitedly)  Now,  gentlemen,  if  I  may  dip  in 
my  little  paddle 

(JOHNS  waves  him  away — NETTLETON  looks  coldly 
at  him.) 

NETTLETON.    Not  just  now,  Tony. 

JOHNS.    Don't  come  into  the  firm  too  soon. 

(TONY'S  face  drops — he  rises  and  walks  up-stag  e, 
puts  chair  back  where  he  got  it,  pantomimes  hi* 
disgust  to  SALLY.) 

APPLEGATE.  (Briskly)  The  Northwestern  U 
going  to  carry  your  line  of  goods,  give  me  a  blank 
and  I'll  sign  our  first  Spring  order  for — (Pauses-— 
everyone  looks  anxious)  well,  say — fifty  thousand 
gross.  .  .  . 

NETTLETON.  (Swallows)  Er — thank  you,  Mr. 
Applegate. 

JOHNS.     (Swallowing)    Er — very  much,  indeed! 

APPLEGATE.  No !  No  thanks  to  me — the  west  is 
growing  and  it  needs  a  good  sound  energetic  pill. 
(Emphasises  his  remark  with  a  sound  slap  on  the 
desk,  JOHNS  coughs) 

NETTLETON.     (Springs  to  his  feet)     Krome! 

KROME.     (Alert)    Yes,  sir. 

JOHNS.  (Beating  NETTLETON  to  it)  An  orde*. 
blank. 

(KROME  goes  to  the  desk  D.  L.,  and  gets  the  order* 
book — TONY  runs  after  him,  takes  it  from  him 
and  tosses  it  on  the  desk  in  front  of  JOHNS. 
TONY  and  KROME  then  return  to  their  places.) 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  45 

NETTLETON.  (Glaring  at  JOHNS  and  trying  to 
speak  in  a  pleasant  voice  for  APPLEGATE'S  benefit) 
No,  no  T — let  me. 

JOHNS.  (Holding  tightly  to  the  book  which 
TONY  has  thrown  on  ihe  desk — rises)  Sit  down 
and  take  the  weight  off  your  feet. 

NETTLETON.  Oh,  just  as  you  prefer,  of  course! 
(He  sits — T  sits  and  begins  to  fill  in  the  blank  for 
APPLEGATE  to  sign) 

APPLEGATE.  (To  NETTLETON)  No  wonder  you 
two  have  made  such  a  great  success. 

NETTLETON.  Thank  you.  (Rises)  And  while 
we  are  waiting,  I'd  like  to  show  you  what  /  have 
done  to  perfect  this  pill.  The  ingredients  are  mine. 
(JoHNs  hands  the  order  blank  to  APPLEGATE  and 
tries  to  take  his  attention  away  from  NETTLETON) 
A  marvelous  combination  of  effective,  though  non- 
injurious  drugs;  and  the  answer  is  in  our  sales. 
(Takes  a  step  or  two  R. — and  swells  up)  Krome, 
give  me  the  order  book  and  report  of  our  last  fiscal 
year  showing  sales  for  the  East  and  South. 

JOHNS.  (Rises — goes  down-stage  to  L.  of  AP- 
PLEGATE) And  I'd  like  to  call  your  attention  to  the 
folor  of  these  pills.  My  idea.  (NETTLETON  goes 
above  the  desk  c.,  slams  chair  down  to  try  to  take 
APPLEGATE'S  attention  away  from  JOHNS)  The 
coating  is  made  from  the  best  refined  beat  sugar, 
and  this  fashionable  violet  dye  has  defied  the  perse- 
cutions of  the  pure  drug  law. 

JOHNS.  (NETTLETON  takes  up  the  seal  on  the 
desk  c.,  bangs  it.  APPLEGATE  nods  approval  and  ex- 
amines the  pills  that  JOHNS  hands  him)  The  enor- 
mous sales,  due  almost  exclusively  to  the  outside  of 
this  pill — (NETTLETON  bangs  a  bottle  of  paste  on 
the  desk) 

NETTLETON.  (Interrupting — raises  his  voice  over 
JOHNS)  Yes,  yes,  old  fellow;  but  the  selling  qual- 
ity is  on  the  inside.  (KROME  comes  down  from  the 


46  A  FAIR  OF  SIXES. 

high  desk  with  ledger  open  at  page  which  has  been 
typed  with  the  figures  NETTLETON  has  to  quote— 
NETTLETON  taking  the  book  and  pitting  if  on  the 
desk)  Here  we  are!  Account  of  sales  for  year 
ending  November  30,  1912;  one  hundred  and  forty- 
three  thousand  gross — (Glancing  triumphantly  at 
APPLEGATE)  Counting  fifty  pills  to  the  box 
JOHNS.  Ffty-one! 

(APPLEGATE  looks  inquiringly  at  him  and  then  back 
to  NETTLETON.) 

NETTLETON.  (Looking  fiercely  at  JOHNS,  in  a 
stern  voice  continues)  Counting  fifty  pills  to  the 
box — (Looks  down  at  the  book  to  find  his  place) 

JOHNS.  (Taps  APPLEGATE  slyly  on  the  shoulder, 
gets  his  attention,  holds  his  hand  at  his  side  and 
sticks  out  one  finger — speaks  in  a  loud  whisper) 
Fifty-one ! 

(APPLEGATE  nods  wisely.) 

NETTLETON.  We  have  a  total  of  ten  hundred  and 
twenty-nine  millions  six  hundred  and  twenty  thou- 
sand opportunities  for  a  sou^d  digestion — that  1 
have  offered  to  the  South  and  East  alone. 

JOHNS.     (Sharply)    You  have? 

NETTLETON.  (Gives  KROME  the  book — KROME 
takes  it  and  puts  it  back  in  place  and  stands  in 
former  position)  Yes,  77  Mr.  Applegate  is  inter- 
ested in  the  ingredients  of  my  pill ! 

JOHNS.  (Coming  tc  APPLEGATE'S  side)  And 
Mr.  Applegate  as  :.  business  man  and  a  druggist 
knows  perfectly  well  that  the  success  of  any  patent 
medicine  depends  first  on  its  advertising,  (Gives 
APPLEGATE  a  violent  slap  on  the  back  to  emphasise 
his  remarks — APPLEGATE  chokes)  and  next  on  its 
pleasing  taste  or  form.  (Gives  APPLEGATE  hard 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  47 

slap  on  the  back — the  pills  APPLEGATE  has  been 
looking  at  fly  in  the  air  from  the  force  of  the  slap — 
APPLEGATE  chokes  again) 

NETTLETON.  (Comes  to  front  of  the  desk  c., 
stands  just  R.  of  APPLEGATE — yells  at  JOHNS) 
Nothing  of  the  sort  and  you  know  it!  (Slaps  his 
hands  at  JOHNS  and  nearly  hits  APPLEGATE  in  the 
nose — APPLEGATE  terrified  at  the  proceedings,  is 
leaning  as  far  back  in  the  chair  as  possible — with 
one  hand  (right')  holding  on  to  the  corner  of  the 
desk  to  keep  from  falling — and  dodging  his  head 
back  as  partners  swing  and  slap  hands  in  front  of 
him} 

TONY.  {In  great  alarm,  rushes  down  R.)  Mr. 
Johns!  Mr.  Nettleton! 

NETTLETON.  (Waves  TONY  away — TONY  goes 
to  front  of  the  stool  by  high  desk)  Tony,  you  keep 
out  of  this ! 

APPLEGATE.  Gentlemen,  I  didn't  come  here  to— 
(Starts  to  rise) 

JOHNS.  (In  the  heat  of  the  argument  has  for~ 
gotten  all  else — gives  APPLEGATE  a  push  back  in  the 
chair — nearly  knocking  him  over)  You  keep  out, 
too !  The  public  doesn't  give  a  hang  for  the  inside 
of  your  pill — (JOHNS  is  almost  yelling — he  is  mo- 
tioning at  NETTLETON  in  front  of  APPLEGATE — and 
slaps  his  hands,  and  the  ash  from  his  ( APPLEGATE'S) 
cigar,  hits  APPLEGATE  in  the  face) 

NETTLETON.  (Coming  back  strong)  The  public 
does !  As  shown  by  the  approval  of  every  reputable 
doctor.  (Slaps  hands  at  JOHNS  in  front  of  APPLE- 
GATE'S  face.  APPLEGATE  dodges  it  nicely) 

JOHNS.  Huh!  What  reputable  doctor  ever  pre- 
scribed yours!' 

NETTLETON.  Bah !  Do  doctors  prescribe  your 
purple  coloring?  (NETTLETON  brings  his  hand 
down  on  the  desk  near  APPLEGATE'S  hand,  with  all 
his  might.  APPLEGATE  with  a  cry  of  pain  jerks  his 


48  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

hand  away  from  the  desk — NETTLETON,  unconscious 
of  what  he  has  done,  struts  to  R.  and  turns  glaring 
at  JOHNS.  (The  effect  is  found  best — when  the 
desk  is  hit  instead  of  APPLEGATE'S  hand) 

JOHNS.  (Yelling)  They  do!  They  are  even 
giving  X-ray  violet  baths !  ( JOHNS  raises  his  foot 
high  and  brings  it  down  with  a  bang  just  in  front  of 
APPLEGATE'S  foot — then  goes  to  R.  edge  of  the  desk 
c.,  puffs  his  cigar  and  glares  at  NETTLETON — AP- 
PLEGATE,  with  shriek  of  pain  and  rage — springs  to 
his  feet  and  hops  on  one  foot  to  KROME,  who  at 
this  point  has  run  down-stage  L.  and  stands  terrified 
— SALLY  runs  up  R.  ) 

APPLEGATE.  (Hanging  on  to  his  injured  foot 
with  both  hands  and  standing  as  well  as  he  can  on 
one  foot — to  KROME  in  a  voice  of  fury)  What  are 
they?  Humorists — or  just  plain  bugs. 

NETTLETON.  Johns,  you  are  talking  like  a  fool, 
(Goes  to  front  of  the  desk  c.)  and  if  Mr.  Applegate 
will  come  into  my  office— 

(JOHNS  goes  above  the  desk  c.    TONY  takes  up  his 
hat  and  stick.) 

APPLEGATE.  (Makes  frantic  dive  for  his  hat  and 
gloves,  goes  up-stage  with  same — holding  the  order 
still  in  his  right  hand)  No,  Mr.  Nettleton,  I  don't 
believe  I'd  care  to. 

JOHNS.  (Takes  up  the  "box  of  pills  from  the 
desk  c. — extends  them  towards  APPLEGATE)  But, 
Mr.  Applegate 

APPLEGATE.  (Checking  him  with  a  gesture) 
No,  Mr.  Johns,  your  sugar  coating  doesn't  appeal  to 
me,  either.  (Looks  the  partners  up  and  down) 
What  my  firm  wants  is  a  pill  that  will  give  the 
human  stomach  a  good,  square,  honest  deal.  But 
in  this  office — the  cause  of  indigestion — seema 
rather  stronger  than  the  cure.  Good-morning,  gen- 
tlemen. (Starts  off  u.  L.) 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  49 

TONY.  (Desperately,  in  one  last  appeal)  But, 
Mister  Applegate!  (Starts  toward  him — takes  hat 
and  cane) 

APPLEGATE.  (Throws  order  blank  at  TONY) 
Take  your  pills  yourself  and  go  to  the  devil.  (Exit 
u.  L.) 

TONY.  (Furious — goes  to  above  the  desk  c., 
bangs  it  and  shakes  his  fist  at  the  partners)  Say, 
you  two  damn  fools — you  don't  need  a  salesman — 
you  want  a  wet  nurse!  (Exit  u.  L.) 

(KROME  goes  quickly  to  the  high  desk.)} 

NETTLETON.  (Runs  up  to  the  gate  u.  L.,  calls 
after  TONY)  Get  out  of  here ;  you're  fired ! 

TONY.  (Off-stage)  Fired,  huhi  Mr.  Apple- 
jjate! 

(NETTLETON  and  JOHNS  walk  around  the  desk  c.f 
glaring  at  each  other,  until  JOHNS  is  L.  of  desk 
and  NETTLETON  R.  of  same.) 

NETTLETON  and  JOHNS.  (As  they  circle  the 
desk)  Ah — Ah — Ah!  (Point  fingers  at  each 
other) 

JOHNS.  (Sneeringly)  Now,  you've  done  it! 
Lost  the  best  salesman  in  America  and  killed  the 
biggest  order  we  nearly  ever  had.  (Smiles  at  his 
joke) 

NETTLETON.  (Beside  himself  with  rage)  I 
didn't  kill  the  order.  You  did  it  yourself  when  you 
tried  to  hog  the  credit  of  my  pill ! 

JOHNS.  (In  a  voice  of  thunder)  It  isn't  so,  he 
was  my  customer.  I  got  him  first  and  had  him 
going. 

NETTLETON.  (Throwing  his  hands  in  the  air  in 
helpless  rage)  And  now  you've  got  him  gone! 
(Crosses  to  R.) 


50  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

JOHNS.  And  why?  Because  you  butt  in  and 
queered  the  sale  when  I  had  the  order  signed! 

NETTLETON.  (A  very  forced  laugh)  Huh — 
Huh — Then  I'm  glad  you  lost  it ! 

JOHNS.  And  you  are  perfectly  willing  to  smash 
the  business  and  choke  the  profits  of  the  firm  on 
account  of  your  own  piggish  jealousy !  (Change  of 
tone  to  one  of  self  sympathy)  It  isn't  fair  to  me  or 
my  children! 

NETTLETON.  (In  contempt)  Your  children! 
Why  you  fat  head,  you're  not  even  married. 

JOHNS.  No,  but  I  expect  to  be !  I'm  looking  to 
the  future,  (Pathetically)  and  when  I  think  of  those 
poor  little  things,  crying  for  food — starving  on  your 
account — it  makes  me  wild!  (Few  steps  L.) 

NETTLETON.  (Striding  towards  him  angrily) 
See  here,  Mr.  Brains  and  Blood,  that's  just  about 
enough !  Another  remark  or  two  like  that  and  we'll 
make  the  matter  personal. 

JOHNS.  (Close  to  NETTLETON)  All  right,  Mr. 
Bone  and  Fat — I'm  with  you ! 

NETTLETON.  With  me — that's  the  trouble!  As 
soon  as  my  lawyer  comes  and  I  get  rid  of  you,  I'm 
going  to  sit  down  and  laugh!  (Laughs  loud  and 
long.  Goes  to  the  door  R.  i) 

JOHNS.  And  when  I  get  rid  of  you,  I'm  going  to 
set  off  fire-works ! 

NETTLETON.    Bah ! 

JOHNS.     (Crossing  to  door  L.  i)     Skyrockets! 

NETTLETON.     (Each  time  a  trifle  louder)    Bah! 

JOHNS.     (Louder)     Pin  wheels ! 

NETTLETON.    Bah ! 

JOHNS.  (Pointing  at  NETTLETON  and  shouting) 
Devil  chasers! 

NETTLETON.     (Tops  JOHNS)     Bah! 

and  JOHNS  exit  R.  and  L.,  slamming 
the  doors  as  hard  as  possible.) 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  51 

SALLY.     (Rises)    Say,  Charlie,  if  I  want  to  keep 
tkis  job,  I'll  have  10  lead  a  double  life. 
KROME.    Here's  Mr.  Vanderholt  now! 

(KROME  goes  down  to  the  office  door  L.  I.) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Enters  quickly  from  u.  L.,  comes 
to  above  the  desk  c.)  Good-morning,  Krome, 
Good-morning,  Miss  Parker.  (KROME  and  SALLY 
nod,  VANDERHOLT  puts  his  derby  hat  on  the  desk  c. ) 

KROME.  {Nervously,  in  a  loud  whisper — points 
at  the  doors  R.  and  L.)  Oh,  Mr.  Vanderholt— 
you're  just  in  time. 

VANDERHOLT.  (As  he  takes  off  gloves  and 
smiles  at  the  concern  written  on  the  faces  of  SALLY 
and  KROME,  speaks  in  brisk,  business-like  manner) 
Well  ?  What's  the  trouble,  same  old  fight  ? 

KROME.  (Earnestly)  Yes,  sir;  but  this  time  it's 
to  a  finish. 

VANDERHOLT.   E'm — bad  as  that,  eh? 

KROME.  It's  worse !  They  want  you  to  dissolve 
their  partnership  and  let  this  fine,  big  money-mak- 
ing business  go  to  smash. 

SALLY.    And  we  don't  want  to  lose  our  positions* 

VANDERHOLT.  Don't  worry  about  your  positions, 
just  have  them  out  and  we'll  settle  this  thing  for 
good  and  all.  (Tosses  gloves  in  hat) 

KROME.  (Shakes  head  doubtfully)  But  you 
won't,  sir. 

SALLY.    Indeed  you  won't. 

KROME.  It's  gone  too  far,  you  can't  smooth  it 
over  this  time,  or  if  you  do  you've  got  to  give  them 
something  with  a  punch  behind  it. 

SALLY.    Or  a  kick. 

VANDERHOLT.  All  right,  I  will.  Now  get  them 
out!  (VANDERHOLT  goes  up  to  the  high  desk,  puts 
his  hat  and  gloves  on  same) 

KROME  and  SALLY.     (Going  quickly  to  the  door* 


52  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

JL  and  L. — knocking  hard,  speak  together)  Mr. 
Vanderholt  is  here,  sir.  (KROME  goes  to  the  high 
desk — SALLY  runs  to  the  type  desk  and  sits) 

VANDERHOLT.  Thank  you — both  of  you.  Now 
leave  the  whole  case  to  me!  (VANDERHOLT  comes 
down  L.  to  front  of  the  desk  c.) 

NETTLETON.  (Rushes  on  from  R.  to  VANDER- 
HOLT)  Hello,  Van ! 

JOHNS.  Hello,  Van!  (Rushes  on  from  t.  to 
VANDERHOLT) 

VANDERHOLT.    Hello,  boys,  how  are  you  ? 

NETTLETON.  (Advancing  and  catching  hold  of 
VANDERHOLT  and  trying  to  pull  him  into  the  office 
R. )  I'm  the  one  who  sent  for  you ! 

JOHNS.  (Advancing  and  catching  VANDERHOLT 
on  the  opposite  side — tries  to  pull  him  to  the  office 
L.)  And  so  am  I. 

NETTLETON  and  JOHNS.  (Together  both  try  to 
pull  him  to  their  office)  Come  into  my  office,  will 
you? 

VANDERHOLT.  (Finally  shaking  them  off  after 
they  have  pulled  him  about  a  bit)  Hold  on !  Hold 
on !  This  is  one  of  the  times  that  I'll  have  to  take 
you  both  together.  (Moves  swiftly  to  above  the 
desk  c.,  speaks  sharply  to  the  partners)  Come  on 
now — come  on  and  sit  down !  (Partners  look  at 
VANDERHOLT,  then  at  each  other  and  move  slowly 
to  the  desk — NETTLETON  to  the  chair  R.  of  desk  and 
JOHNS  to  chair  L.  of  desk,  keeping  their  eyes  on 
each  other,  NETTLETON  bumps  into  the  desk  and 
loses  his  balance.  JOHNS  laughs,  NETTLETON  re- 
covers himself  at  once  and  glares  around  to  see  if 
any  of  the  office  force  are  laughing  at  him,  NETTLE- 
TON  catches  hold  of  his  chair  R.  of  desk  and  bangs 
it  down  hard  and  sits,  JOHNS  slams  his  chair  L.  of 
the  desk  twice  and  sits  down — crosses  his  right  leg 
over  his  left  with  great  care  and  deliberation,  to 
NETTLETON'S  annoyance.  At  this  Point  SALLY  rises 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  53 

quickly  and  drops  down  R.  a  few  feet  and  looks  In- 
quiringly at  VANDERHOLT)  Er — what  is  it,  Miss 
Parker? 

SALLY.  Excuse  me,  but  would  you  like  me  to  go 
out  for  a  while? 

JOHNS.    Yes,  please. 

NETTLETON.  (Quickly')  No — stay  where  you 
are.  (To  VANDERHOLT)  I  want  her  for  my  wit- 
ness. 

VANDERHOLT.  (As  JOHNS  rises)  Not  a  bad 
idea,  T-^we  may  need  her.  Take  a  seat,  Miss 
Parker. 

(SALLY  goes  quickly  to  the  type  desk  and  sits.) 

JOHNS.  (Sits)  All  right!  If  he  has  a  witness, 
then  I'll  have  a  witness.  (Calling)  Kromie! 
Kromie ! 

KROME.     (Comes  down  L.  of  JOHNS)     Yes,  sir? 

JOHNS.  Stay  right  where  you  are — I  want  you 
for  my  witness. 

KROME.  Yes,  sir.  (KROME  sits  in  chair — by  the 
roll-top  desk  L.) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Pounds  the  desk)  Well,  boys, 
what's  the  row  this  time? 

NETTLETON.  (Shakes  finger  at  VANDERHOLT)  I 
want  to  dissolve  this  partnership — at  once. 

JOHNS.  (Sternly,  to  VANDERHOLT)  And  no 
patching  up  this  trip — I  want  it  ripped  wide  open. 

VANDERHOLT.  (Looking  from  one  to  the  other 
in  half  pity)  What's  the  matter  with  you  two?  It's 
a  shame  you  can't  get  on  when  you  have  every 
reason  on  earth  to  pull 'together. 

NETTLETON.  (Looking  at  JOHNS — then  straight 
in  front  of  him,  makes  a  face)  Huh ! 

JOHNS.     (Straight  at  NETTLETON)    Huh — huh! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Dubious  tone)  You  mean  to 
tell  me  you  are  going  to  let  this  valuable  business  go 


54  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

to  ruin  simply  because  of  your  own  pig-headedness  ? 
You  ought  to  be  kicked — the  pair  of  you ! 

JOHNS.  (Threateningly,  as  he  jumps  to  his  feet) 
Now,  look  here,  Van 

VANDERHOLT.  (In  a  stern  voice,  eyes  JOHNS 
steadily')  Hold  on!  I'm  talking. 

(JOHNS  looks  at  VANDERHOLT  a  second,  then  sits.) 

NETTLETON.  (Snickers,  looks  sideways  at 
JOHNS)  Ha — ha 

VANDERHOLT.  (To  NETTLETON)  Sh!  (NET- 
TLETON becomes  quiet  at  once,  JOHNS  grins) 
You've  been  squabbling  and  fighting  for  years  ana 
trotting  to  me  with  your  childish  differences.  I  get 
it  in  my  office,  and  in  your  office,  and  on  the  street, 
and  everywhere  I  see  you,  till  you've  just  about 
driven  me  crazy.  I've  fixed  you  up  and  started  you 
off  at  least  forty  times,  and  the  next  day  you  blow 
up  and  are  at  it  again.  (Change  of  or.: — -soft) 
Now — I'm  fond  of  you  both — you  know  that. 

JOHNS.  (Looks  at  VANDERHOLT,  turns  to  front 
and  mumbles  under  his  breath,  VANDERHOLT  and 
NETTLETON  look  at  JOHNS)  Urn—- Um — 

VANDERHOLT.  (Pats  NETTLETON  on  the  shoul- 
der) Old  George  has  been  a  sort  of  running  mate 
of  mine — 

JOHNS.     (Laughs)    Old  George  is  good. 

(VANDERHOLT  smiles,  NETTLETON  glares  at  JOHNS, 
SALLY  and  KROME  smile  stealthily.) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Goes  to  JOHNS — rests  hand  on 
JOHN'S  shoulder)  And  as  for  T — we've  both  got 
tke  good  taste  to  admire  the  same  girl — (As  JOHNS 
turns  and  looks  at  him  suspiciously)  But  this  is 
business  and  we'll  cut  the  friendship  out.  If  you 
choose  to  be  sensible  and  settle  this  thing  like 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  55 

rational  human  beings,  I'll  help  you  all  I  can,  but 
you've  got  to  shake  hands  and  make  it  a  final  settle- 
ment. (Both  partners  look  at  VANDERHOLT  and 
signify  their  respective  intentions  by,  JOHNS  sitting 
on  his  hands  and  NETTLETON  stuffing  his  in  his 
trousers  pockets,  VANDERHOLT  looks  at  them  in  dis- 
gust) Good  Lord!  Did  either  of  you  fellows  ever 
play  football? 

NETTLETON.    No ! 

JOHNS.    Why? 

VANDERHOLT.  (Banging  the  table  with  his  fist} 
Team  work — that's  the  way  to  win  out!  Team 
work! 

JOHNS.  '(Laughing  and  pointing  at  NETTLETON) 
With  that  mule?  (Laughs  heartily) 

NETTLETON.  (Rises,  shakes  his  fist  at  JOHNS) 
Who  are  you  calling  a  mule  ? 

VANDERHOLT.  (Pushes  the  protesting  NETTLE- 
TON  in  his  chair}  Of  course,  if  you  won't  pull  to 
gether — then  fight!  Knife  your  own  prospects, 
commit  a  cold-blooded,  business  suicide — and  pay 
tne  for  arranging  the  funeral  decorations.  (JOHNS 
and  NETTLETON  glare  at  each  other  sullenly}  Do  I 
understand  that  you  are  fully  determined  to  dissolve 
this  partnership? 

JOHNS.     (With  a  wave  of  the  hand)    I  am. 

NETTLETON.  (With  great  emphasis,  slaps  his 
knee)  Ab — so — lutely ! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Sharply)  All  right — we'll  do  it. 
Questiton  is  how  will  we  do  it? 

JOHNS  and  NETTLETON.  (Snapping  at  him) 
That's  what  we  are  paying  you  for. 

VANDERHOLT.  (Clasping  one  hand  to  his  fore- 
head, raises  eyes  upward)  And  God  knows  I'm 
earning  my  fee.  (Change  of  tone)  Now  then — 
the  simplest  and  most  amicable  process  is  for  one 
of  you  to  buy  the  other  out. 

NETTLETON.    Now  you're  talking. 


56  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

JOHNS.    For  the  first  time  since  you  started. 

VANDERHOLT.  Good!  I'm  glad  you  agree  on 
something!  Next  question — Which  of  you  will 
sell ;  how  about  you,  George  ? 

NETTLETON.  (Makes  terrible  face,  puts  hand  on 
his  chest — in  a  shrill  voice  to  VANDERHOLT)  Me 
sell  out — (Waves  his  hand  depre  datively  at 
JOHNS)  to  him?  And  how  long  do  you  think  this 
business  would  last  with  that  wall-eyed  pike  at  the 
head  of  it? 

JOHNS.  (Jumping  up)  Now,  see  here,  George 
Nettleton 

(NETTLETON  rises.) 

VANDERHOLT.     (Motioning  both  to  sit)     Here! 
Here!     Sit  down,  both  of  you.     I'll  referee  this 
battle.    (NETTLETON  and  JOHNS  glare  at  each  other 
and  sit) 
Mr.  Nettleton  refuses  to  sell — how  about  you,  T? 

JOHNS.  (Looks  at  VANDERHOLT  in  astonishment, 
points  at  NETTLETON)  Who — me?  Sell  out  the  re- 
sults of  my  brains — to  that  onion ?  (Doubles  up 
with  laughter) 

NETTLETON.  (Rises  savagely)  Who's  an  onion  ? 
Why  you 

VANDERHOLT.  (Pushes  NETTLETON  in  his  chair) 
All  right.  I  construe  that  as  another  refusal.  Now 
since  a  simple  bill  of  sale  is  out  of  the  question, 
we'll  turn  to  the  next  amicable  process.  (Sits  above 
the  desk  c.  in  the  swivel  chair)  You  two  will  di- 
vide the  business,  each  taking  an  equal  share  of  the 
live  customers,  stock  of  pills  on  hand  and  good  will 
of  the  company.  (As  NETTLETON  and  JOHNS  nod 
their  heads)  You  can  then  be  rivals  and  cut  each 
other's  throats  at  your  own  pleasure  and  con- 
venience ! 

NETTLETON.     (Slapping  his  hands — laughs  glee" 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  57 

fuily)     Fine !    I  like  that ! 

JOHNS.  (Holding  his  sides  with  mwifi)  So  do 
I.  It's  great! 

VANDERHOLT.  Ah!  Now  we  are  getting  some- 
where. Next  question:  which  of  you  is  to  retain 
the  name  of  the  present  concern  ? 

NETTLETON.    (Quickly)    Naturally,  I  will. 

JOHNS.  (Jumps  to  his  feet  and  faces  NETTLE- 
TON)  What!  And  get  the  advantage  of  all  our 
advertising — not  much  you  don't. 

NETTLETON.  (Rises)  Why  not?  Didn't  I  orig- 
inate the  business — and  build  it  up  to  what  it  is  ? 

JOHNS.  (Laughs  scornfully)  You  built  it  up—- 
Ha— ha — started  it,  yes — such  a  business  as  it  waSt 
All  you  had  was  a  pill  that  you  couldn't  sell. 

NETTLETON.  (Furious)  And  just  because  you 
came  along  with  a  measley  five  hundred  dollars  and 
a  hideous  purple  sugar  coating,  you  think  you've 
done  it  all ! 

JOHNS.    I  have! 

NETTLETON.  You  haven't — and  I'll  prove  it! 
(Triumphantly)  I  am  the  man  that  made  the  pill  I 
(Crosses  feet) 

JOHNS.  And  7  am  the  man  that  made  the  public 
swallow  them!  (Imitates  NETTLETON) 

(SALLY  begins  to  laugh,  trys  to  check  it  by  stuffing 
handkerchief  In  her  mouth.  All  look  at  her. 
SALLY  bends  over  with  laughter,  NETTLETON 
goes  over  to  her,  when  she  raises  up  she  dis- 
covers him  regarding  her  severely  and  the 
laughter  dies  in  a  gasp.) 

NETTLETON.  (In  stern  tone)  Miss  Parker,  leave 
the  room. 

JOHNS.  Miss  Parker,  do  nothing  of  the  kind. 
(SALLY  starts  out  of  her  seat  and  drops  into  ii 
again) 


58  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

VANDERHOLT.  Will  you  two  sit  down  and  keep 
quiet  ? 

JOHNS.      (Excitedly)      No,   I   won't  sit   down. 

NETTLETON.  (Few  steps  to  R. — then  to  R.  of  the 
desk  c.)  And  /  won't!  I  want  you  to  put  that 
maniac  out  of  my  office ! 

JOHNS.  And  I  want  you  to  get  that  baboon  out 
of  mine ! 

NETTLETON.  (Striding  to  R.,  hands  to  head} 
A-h-h-h-h-h! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Rises)  Oh,  stop  it,  will  you! 
Stop  it !  (Goes  to  KROME  who  moves  a  few  steps  L, 
at  this  point) 

KROME,  (In  a  frightened  whisper)  You  see,  it's 
Jio  use,  sir,  you'd  better  give  up ! 

(JOHNS  goes  down  L.) 
VANDERHOLT.    Leave  it  to  me ! 
(KROME  goes  back  to  the  high  desk  shaking  head.) 

NETTLETON.  (Comes  to  front  of  the  desk  c., 
points  angrily  at  JOHNS)  I'd  give  anything  on 
earth  I  own  to  have  that  man  in  the  only  place  he's 
fit  for — or  ever  will  be — a  valet — to  lay  out  my 
pajamas ! 

JOHNS.  (Comes  in  front  of  the  desk  c.,  shakes 
finger  at  NETTLETON)  And  I'd  like  to  have  you  as 
a  servant — to  black  my  shoes!  (Walks  L.  as  far  as 
door) 

NETTLETON.  I'm  much  more  likely  to  black  your 
eyes !  (Follows) 

JOHNS.  (Advancing  a  step)  Try  it !  and  111  lay 
you  out — instead  of  your  pajamas ! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Steps  between  them  as  they  start 
for  each  other)  Will  you  two  infernal  idiots  shut 
up? 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  59 

NETTLERON.    Van,  you  keep  out  of  this ! 
JOHNS.    That's  right,  keep  out! 

(Partners  give  VANDERHOLT  a  shove  and  send  him 
up-stage. ) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Comes  "back  quickly  and  shoves 
them  apart)  No,  I  won't  keep  out !  You  two  are 
here  to  settle  a  business  proposition  and  all  you  can 
do  is  to  throw  a  baby  bluff. 

JOHNS.    Who,  me? 

VANDERHOLT.  No.  Both  of  you.  (Both  part- 
ners look  at  him)  All  this  rot  about  valets  and 
servants  and  blacking  boots  until  you  make  me  sick. 

JOHNS.    Then  why  don't  you  settle  it. 

VANDERHOLT.  I  would  if  you  two  were  sports 
enough  to  put  it  through. 

JOHNS.  I'm  sport  enough  to  put  through  any- 
thing. 

NETTLETON.    So  would  I. 

VANDERHOLT.  You  would?  Then  come  over 
here  and  sit  down.  (Goes  swiftly  to  above  the  desk 
c. )  Come  on!  Come  on!  (Both  come  slowly  to 
their  chairs,  NETTLETON  R.  of  the  desk  and  JOHNS 
L.,  after  they  sit)  Now  then,  you  won't  have  law 
or  reason  or  common  sense,  so  I'll  give  you  some- 
thing you  can  understand.  I'll  deal  you  each  a  hand 
of  poker — cold — the  man  who  wins  will  run  this 
business  for  a  year ;  the  man  who  loses  will  be  the 
other's  servant  for  a  year.  Now ! 

(They  both  stare  mutely  at  VANDERHOLT  for  a  mo- 
ment.) 

NETTLETON.    What  are  you  trying  to  do — kid  us  ? 
JOHNS.    You're  a  hell  of  a  lawyer ! 
VANDERHOLT.    Granted ;  but  you've  handed  me  a 
hell  of  a  proposition;  and  even  when  I  give  you  a 


60  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

sporting  chance,  you  turn  it  down  because  neither 
of  you  has  the  grit  to  stand  the  guff. 

NETTLETON.  If  you  mean  that  for  me,  I  have  as 
much  grit  as  you  have  any  day ! 

JOHNS.     And  I  have  more  than  both  of  you! 

NETTLETON.  You?  Ha,  ha!  You  poor  moon 
face,  you  wouldn't  bark  at  a  sick  canary. 

JOHNS.  (Faces  NETTLETON)  Wouldn't,  eh? 
How  about  you?  When  Van  made  his  fool  pro- 
posal, you  were  so  afraid  I'd  take  him  up,  I  thought 
you'd  faint ! 

NETTLETON.  And  if  I  had  you'd  have  died  stand- 
ing up ! 

JOHNS.  Would  I?  Well,  I'll  bet  you  a  thousand 
you'd  be  the  first  to  crawl  I 

NETTLETON.    Prove  it ! 

JOHNS.  I  will !  I'm  game  for  Van's  little  hand 
of  poker,  just  for  the  satisfaction  of  seeing  you 
duck.  Get  me? 

NETTLETON.  (Waving  him  aside')  Aw,  bluff — 
bluff 

JOHNS.  Then  call  it!  If  I'm  bluffing,  call  my 
bluff !  (Rises) 

NETTLETON.  (Desperately.  Rises)  All  right  I 
will. 

VANDERHOLT.  (Quickly)  You're  on,  both  of 
you.  Miss  Parker,  get  your  book !  We'll  put  this 
down  in  contract  form  and  have  no  come  back. 
(As  NETTLETON  and  JOHNS  turn  to  him  in  pro- 
test) Now  then!  Who's  to  be  the  quitter, 
(Looks  from  one  to  the  other.  Both  start  to 
speak  to  VANDERHOLT)  Speak  up!  Don't  mind 
me!  Speak  up!  (NETTLETON  and  JOHNS  each 
wait  for  the  other  to  sit,  NETTLETON  starts  to 
sit  and  as  he  is  very  nearly  in  his  chair,  JOHNS 
starts  to  sit.  NETTLETON  sees  him  out  of  the  cor- 
ner and  quickly  rises,  and  JOHNS  by  a  great  effort 
catches  himself  at  the  lasf  minute  and  stands  erect. 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  61 

They  glare  at  each  other  and  sit}     Ready,  Miss 
Parker? 

SALLY.  (Quickly  takes  her  stenographic  book 
•from  the  type  desk  where  she  is  sitting,  and  takes 
her  pencil  from  her  hair  and  nods  to  VANDERHOLT) 
Yes,  sir ! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Sternly,  to  NETTLETON)  And 
don't  you  interrupt  me!  (JOHNS  snickers — VAN- 
DERHOLT goes  to  SALLY)  This  agreement,  made 
and  entered  into  this  blank  day  of  November, 
(Walks  up  and  down  stage  R.,  hands  behind  back—* 
then  hand  to  forehead  and  etc.)  1915,  by  and  be- 
tween George  B.  Nettleton,  party  of  the  first  part 
and  T  Boggs  Johns,  party  of  the  second  part--"- 

JOHNS.  (Rises  quickly — slaps  desk)  Hold  on 
there,  I  decline  positively  to  be  known  as  the  party 
pf  the  second  part !  (Sits) 

NETTLETON.  There  you  are,  always  the  way  with 
that  pin-headed  captain  of  industry,  blocks  every- 
thing. 

VANDERHOLT.  (Coming  to  the  side  of  NETTLE- 
TON)  Thanks,  George.  I'll  make  you  party  of  the 
second  part.  (Turns  to  SALLY  when  NETTLETON'S 
voice  stops  him) 

NETTLETON.  (Jumps  to  his  feet}  No,  I'm 
hanged  if  you  will.  I  wouldn't  give  him  that  much 
satisfaction. 

(JOHNS  laughs.} 

VANDERHOLT.  (Runs  hands  through  hair} 
Waugh !  Miss  Parker,  strike  that  out !  This  agree- 
ment, made  and  entered  into  this  blank  day  of  No- 
vember, 1915,  by  and  between  the  parties  who  have 
hereto  set  their  hands  and  seals.  (Partners  and 
VANDERHOLT  exchange  bows}  Witnesseth !  Para- 
graph. Whereas,  the  parties  hereto  have  found  it 
impossible  to  continue  as  business  partners,  they 


fc  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

hereby  agree  and  do  agree  as  follows:  Paragraph. 
To  play  one  hand  of  show-down  in  a  game  which 
for  future  legal  reference  may  be  known  as  poker. 
(Pacing  up  and  down  as  he  dictates}  And  the 
loser  in  said  game,  for  the  term  of  one  year  from 
the  date  hereof,  shall  become  the  household  servant 
of  the  winner  in  said  game.  (NETTLETON  wipe* 
his  face  and  neck  with  handkerchief,  JOHNS  grins) 
The  winner  hereinafter  to  be  known  as  the  master ; 
and  the  loser  hereinafter  to  be  known  as  the  man, 
subject  to  the  following  conditions,  to  wit — (Look* 
at  boys)  All  right,  boys? 

JOHNS.     (Laughs)    Fine! 

NETTLETON.  (Pauses,  swallows,  speaks  in  a 
cracked  high  voice)  Splendid.  (Mops  face  with 
handkerchief — JOHNS  grins) 

VANDERHOLT.  Good!  Clause  one.  (Moves  to 
fide  of  SALLY)  And  the  master  shall  have  full  and 
absolute  control  of  all  matters  pertaining  to  the 
Eureka  Digestive  Pill  Company,  without  stay,  let, 
hindrance,  or  process  of  injunction  on  the  part  of 
the  man.  (As  JOHNS  and  NETTLETON  both  rise  in 
protest,  VANDERHOLT  holds  out  his  hands  to  quiet 
them)  But  (Goes  to  above  the  desk  c.)  the  master 
shall  credit  the  man's  account — with  all  income, 
commissions,  or  other  moneys  rightfully  his — 
(NETTLETON  and  JOHNS  sit)  and  shall  hold  same, 
subject  to  deductions  for  bad  behavior. 

NETTLETON.  (Timidly)  Say,  Van — what  kind 
of  bad  behavior? 

VANDERHOLT.  I'm  coming  to  that.  Clause  two: 
(Goes  to  SALLY)  And  the  man  shall  immediately 
enter  the  service  of  the  master,  as  his  servant,  valet, 
or  in  such  other  capacity  as  may  seem  good  and 
agreeable  to  the  said  master's  wishes  or  desires. 
(JOHNS  grins.  NETTLETON  looks  troubled)  And 
furthermore,  (Moves  down  R.  and  back)  the  man 
shall  serve  the  master  with  energy,  diligence,  re- 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  63 

sp€Ct  and  in  all  other  acts  of  strict  obedience,  as  are 
generally  accepted  with  the  duties  of  a  menial.  (As 
JOHNS  begins  to  laugh  heartily,  VANDERHOLT  goes 
to  above  the  desk  c.)  What's  the  matter  Tr1 

JOHNS.  (Laughing,  turns  in  chair — faces  VAN- 
DERHOLT) I  can't  help  it,  Van.  I  can't  help  it. 
You  know,  I'm  to  be  married  in  June,  and  was  just 
thinking  how  great  it  would  be  to  start  in  house- 
keeping with  Nettleton  as  our  butler.  (Laughs 
more  heartily")  Anything  we  want  done — (Indi- 
cates NETTLETON  with  a  wave  of  the  hand)  we'll 
let  George  do  it!  (Leans  back  and  laughs  heartily, 
NETTLETON,  with  an  angry  cry  rises  and  snatches 
up  the  notary's  seal  on  the  desk  and  raises  it  t& 
strike  JOHNS.  VANDERHOLT  stops  him,  has  slight 
struggle  -with  him  for  it  and  takes  it  away  from  him. 
VANDERHOLT  steps  just  L.  of  NETTLETON) 

VANDERHOLT.  Here,  you!  No  assault  and  bat* 
tery!  Hand  over  that  weapon,  George.  (As  ht 
gets  the  seal  away  from  NETTLETON,  holds  it  up  for 
inspection)  Where  do  you  think  you  are,  at  your 
club?  (Puts  the  seal  on  top  of  the  letter  file  R.,  and 
goes  to  SALLY)  Last  line,  Miss  Parker — 

SALLY.  (Consulting  notes)  In  all  other  acts  of 
strict  obedience  as  are  generally  accepted  with  the 
duties  of  a  menial. 

VANDERHOLT.  (Walking  up  and  down  R.)  But 
•—for  each  and  every  violation  of  such  acts,  the 
master  may  charge  the  man's  account  in  the  sum  of 
one  hundred  dollars  forfeit. 

(NETTLETON  mops  his  neck  with  his  handkerchief.) 

JOHNS.  (Interrupting)  Poor  old  George! 
(Chuckles,  NETTLETON  looks  fiercely  at  JOHNS) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Glances  reprovingly  at  JOHNS) 
It  is  understood  and  agreed,  however,  that  the  mas- 
ter shall  pav  the  man,  in  addition  to  his  board  an<L 


64  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

lodging,  the  sum  of  twenty  dollars  per  month,  in 
wages. 

NETTLETON.  (Timidly,  and  with  a  slight  break 
m  his  voice)  Say,  Van — isn't  that  rather  small? 

(VANDERHOLT  conies  to  NETTLETON'S  side.) 

JOHNS.  (Scratching  his  ear  daintily  with  ont 
finger,  speaks  in  a  patronizing  tone)  Oh,  all  right, 
I'll  make  it  thirty. 

(NETTLETON,  with  great  difficulty  restrains  himself 
from  jumping  at  JOHNS.) 

VANDERHOLT.  Change  it  to  thirty.  (Saunters 
up  to  the  letter  file,  rests  arms  on  same}  Clause 
three:  The  one  other  party  to  whom  the  condi- 
tions of  this  agreement  may  be  known,  is  Mrs. 
George  B.  Nettleton. 

(NETTLETON  sighs  with  relief.) 

JOHNS.  '(Rising  quickly)  And  where  does  Mrs. 
Nettleton  come  in? 

VANDERHOLT.  (Going  above  the  desk  c.)  In 
either  case,  she's  got  to  know;  whether  George  is 
your  servant,  or  you  his — what's  the  matter  with 
you? 

JOHNS.  Oh !  (Firmly)  Then  you've  got  to  put 
in  another  clause  to  hold  him  down. 

VANDERHOLT.  (Impatiently}  I'm  going  to. 
(Waves  hands  at  JOHNS  to  sit,  JOHNS  does  so. 
VANDERHOLT  goes  to  SALLY)  It  is  understood  and 
agreed,  however,  that  should  either  of  the  parties 
hereto,  or  the  wife  of  one  of  the  parties  hereto, 
(JOHNS  nods  to  VANDERHOLT)  make  known  the 
nature  of  this  agreement  to  any  other  person,  the 
offending  party  shall  pay  over  to  the  aggrieved 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  6s 

party — the  sum  of  five  thousand  dollars  cash. 

NETTLETON.  (Rising)  No,  that  isn't  fair.  That 
makes  me  responsible  for  ten  thousand  to  his  live. 

JOHNS  Not  unless  you  and  your  wife  both  tell. 
What's  the  matter  with  you  ?  (  Taps  his  head  gently 
with  his  closed  fist) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Pushing  NETTLETON  back  in  his 
chair)  That's  right,  George.  Keep  quiet.  Clause 
Four :  (Starts  to  walk  up  and  down  R.  stage.  Must 
be  at  the  high  desk  before  clause  five)  This  agree- 
ment may  at  any  time  be  annulled  and  cancelled, 
but  only  by  mutual  consent.  And — should  either 
party  fail  to  faithfully  fulfil  the  covenants  herein 
contained,  then  such  party  shall  forfeit  to  the  other 
iparty — all  his  stock  and  other  interests  in  the 
Eureka  Digestive  Pill  Company.  ( JOHNS  whistles 
softly  and  NETTLETON  mops  his  brow  with  his  hand- 
kerchief) Clause  five :  Mr.  Thomas  J.  Vanderholt 
(VANDERHOLT  draws  himself  up  to  full  height,  ex- 
pands his  chest,  and  'with  great  dignity  walks  down 
R.  a.?  far  as  the  apron}  is  hereby  appointed  as  ref- 
eree; with  power  to  decide  all  questions  of  dispute; 
and  shall  charge  therefor  (Speaks  with  great  relish 
as  the  partners  stare  at  him  indignantly)  such  fee  or 
fees  as  may,  in  his  judgment,  seem  just  and  lawful. 
(Turns  up-stag e,  adjusts  his  cuffs,  walks  up-stag e 
to  the  type  desk  and  turns  to  the  partners,  who  turn 
in  their  seats  following  him  with  their  eyes) 

JOHNS.  (With  a  wave  of  the  hand}  General 
Villa ! 

VANDERHOLT.  (To  above  the  desk  c.)  That's 
all.  Three  copies,  please,  and  if  you  or  Krome  ever 
mention  this  agreement  to  any  one,  you'll  lose  your 
jobs.  (SALLY  turns  to  type  desk,  takes  up  blank 
sheets  of  paper  and  carbons}  Are  you  both  entirely 
satisfied? 

'(SALLY  puts  the  papers  cmd  carbons  in  the 
writer.} 


C6  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

JOHNS.    I  am. 

VANDERHOLT.    And  agree  to  sign  it — before  wh* 

nesses  and  under  oath? 

JOHNS.  Sure.  (Pointing  at  NETTLETON  whr>  sit* 
dejectedly")  But  look  at  him! 

VANDERHOLT.    Well,  George — how  about  it? 

NETTLETON.  (Rises,  crosses  to  R.)  I — I  won't 
do  it — I'm  married ! 

JOHNS.  (Laughing")  Now,  isn't  that  the  limit 
He's  married!  (Laughs)  Who's  playing  this 
game  of  poker,  you  or  she? 

NETTLETON.  (Back  to  R.  of  desk  c.)  It  isn't  a 
square  deal !  Oh,  not  on  my  account,  but  I've  got 
to  consider  Mrs.  Nettleton ! 

JOHNS.  Oh,  somebody  warm  his  milk  and  give 
him  a  little  kiss ! 

NETTLETON.  (Angrily,  shakes  fist  at  JOHNS) 
Cut  that,  \vi\l  you?  (To  VANDERHOLT  appealingly) 
Why,  think  cf  her  position,  Van.  If  I  lost  and  had 
to  be  a  servant  to — that!  {Makes  a  face  at  the 
prospect) 

JOHNS.  (Sweetly)  Now  don't  you  worry, 
Georgie  dear,  I  have  a  large  nature  and  am  per- 
fectly willing  to  take  on  Mrs,  Nettleton  as  our  par- 
lor maid. 

NETTLETON.  (Furiously,  as  he  starts  forward) 
You!  How  dare  you  mention  my  wife's  name. 

VANDERHOLT.  (Pushing  NETTLETON  back  in  his 
seat  and  motioning  JOHNS  to  keep  quiet  as  he  starts 
to  reply  and  go  for  NETTLETON.  SALLY  and  KROME 
register)  Here,  you — here!  No  rough  house,  or 
I'll  whip  the  pair  of  you!  (Bangs  the  desk  and 
looks  first  at  NETTLETON  then  JOHNS) 

JOHNS.    (Indicating  VANDERHOLT)    The  Kaiser! 

VANDERHOLT.  Then  you  have  my  ultimatum, 
take  it  or  leave  it.  (Bangs  the  desk) 

JOHNS.  (Laughing)  Oh,  he'll  leave  it  all  right, 
all  right.  I  knew  he'd  crawl;  but  I  didn't  think  he'd 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  67 

duck  behind  a  petticoat. 

NETTLETON.  (Shouting)  That's  a  lie !  And  I'll 
show  you.  (Rises)  Here!  Who's  got  a  pack  of 
cards! 

KROME,  (Jumping  to  his  feet)  I  have!  (Takes 
a  pack  from  his  hip  pocket  and  advances  to  upper  L. 
end  of  the  desk  c.) 

NETTLETON.  (In  spite  of  himself)  Oh !  (Flops 
in  chair  R.  of  the  desk  c.,  leans  head  on  hand) 

KROME.  I  play  solitaire  with  'em  on  the  New 
Rochelle  express, 

(SALLY  takes  the  pills  from  the  R.  side  of  the  desk 
C.  and  papers,  and  puts  them  on  the  high  desk 
and  returns,  stands  just  back  of  NETTLETON'S 
chair.) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Taking  the  cards  and  shuffling) 
Thanks!  We'll  deal  quick,  or  they'll  both  quit! 
(Smiles  at  JOHNS  and  NETTLETON)  Come  on  and 
take  your  medicine.  (As  the  partners  scowl  at  each 
other)  Here,  Krome;  you  are  honest  and  impar- 
tial. Cut! 

KROME.  (Cuts  the  cards  and  takes  the  fixed  pack 
•from  behind  the  basket  at  the  L,  side  of  the  desk — • 
upper  end — and  puts  the  pack  he  receives  from 
VANDERHOLT  out  of  sight)  Yes,  sir — (VANDER- 
HOLT takes  the  cards  from  him) 

NETTLETON.  (Nervously)  Well,  well!  What 
are  you  waiting  for  ?  Deal  'em — hurry  up ! 

JOHNS.  (Laughing)  Ha,  ha!  Getting  nervous ; 
got  him  beat  at  the  start. 

VANDERHOLT.  All  right,  boys;  here  goes! 
(Starts  to  deal  to  JOHNS,  then  turns  to  NETTLETON) 
Senior  partner  first!  (Starts  to  deal  five  cards  to 
each  man  alternately,  beginning  with  NETTLETON. 
KROME  puts  his  foot  on  JOHNS'  chair) 

JOHNS.     (JOHNS  examining  his  cards  careftt&y, 


68  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

sees  KROME  looking  over  his  shoulder,  slaps  his  leg 
knocking  his  foot  off  the  chair)  Get  your  foot  off 
my  chair! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Looking  at  NETTLETON,  who  is 
squeezing  his  cards  together  and  going  over  them 
again  and  again)  Well,  George?  Don't  rub  off  the 
spots — you  can't  make  an  ace  out  of  a  tray,  come 
on,  how  many  cards? 

NETTLETON.  (Swallowing  hard)  Three !  (Dis~ 
cards) 

VANDERHOLT.  All  right — put  down  your  pair  or 
whatever  it  is. 

NETTLETON.  (Holding  two  cards  close  to  his 
breast  and  looking  at  JOHNS)  What  are  you? 
Standing  pat? 

JOHNS.  (Laughs')  No,  I'm  sitting  bull.  Never 
mind  what  I  am,  put  down  your  hand.  (JOHNS 
discards  four) 

KROME.  (As  NETTLETON  lays  cards  on  the  desk) 
A  pair  of  sixes ! 

(JOHNS  laughs  and  NETTLETON  sinks  in  his  chair.) 

VANDREHOLT.    Well,  T,  what  have  you? 

JOHNS.  (Holding  up  one  card)  I'm  holding  one 
card — my  lucky  queen  of  hearts,  and  three  more 
ladies  in  the  pack!  Deal. 

VANDERHOLT.    Hold  on — George  first. 

KROME.  (Calling  out  denomination  of  cards  as 
VANDERHOLT  deals  them  out,  one  at  a  time,  face 
up)  Nine — three — eight! 

VANDERHOLT.    Still  a  pair  of  sixes. 

JOHNS.  (Laughs  exultantly)  Oh,  what  a  cinch 
to  beat !  Here,  gimme  four !  Just  flip  'em  out,  old 
pal,  I'm  going  to  eat  that  butler  up ! 

VANDERHOLT.  Look  out,  T,  the  game's  young 
yet!  (Deals  one  at  a  time,  as  before.  NETTLETON 
has  truned  in  his  chair  slightly  to  R.,  away  from 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  69 

the  game,  taking  it  for  granted  that  he  has  lost,  his 
face  takes  on  an  expression  of  abject  despair) 

KROME.  (As  VANDERHOLT  deals  to  JOHNS) 
King 

JOHNS.  (Excitedly)  Of  hearts.  Come  on,  you 
king  or  queen,  come  on!  (JOHNS  picks  up  each 
card  dealt  him  with  his  right  hand  and  puts  it  with 
the  others  in  his  left,  which  he  holds  up) 

KROME.  (As  VANDERHOLT  throws  the  card  on 
desk  )  Jack 

JOHNS.  (Raising  his  voice  a  bit  each  time)  Of 
hearts !  Come  on  you  Jask  or  Queen,  come  on ! 

KROME.  (As  VANDERHOLT  continues  to  deal) 
Ace! 

JOHNS.  (Rising  in  his  excitement)  Of  hearts! 
Come  on  you  little  straight  or  flush — come  on! 

KROME.     (As  the  last  card  is  dealt)     Four! 

SALLY.     (Greatly  excited)    Of  spades! 

(JOHNS  gazes  at  the  card,  hardly  able  to  believe  his 
eyes,  then  with  an  inarticulate  moan  sinks 
slowly  into  his  chair  and  stares  glassily  in 
front  of  him.  Holds  the  last  card  over  the 
ledge  of  the  desk  so  that  the  house  may  see.) 

VANDERHOLT.  (To  JOHNS)  Nothing!  (KROME 
and  SALLY  register,  VANDERHOLT  turns  to  NETTLE- 
TON,  puts  out  his  hand)  Good  boy,  George! 
(NETTLETON,  with  a  woeful  countenance,  gazes  into 
space  as  he  gradually  comes  back  to  earth;  he  looks 
down  at  VANDERHOLT'S  hand,  his  eye  goes  up  to 
VANDERHOLT'S  shoulder  then  back  to  the  hand. 
Suddenly  he  realizes  his  victory.  Straightens  up  in 
his  seat,  clenches  his  fists  and  proclaims  it  in  a  shrill, 
cracked  voice)  My  God!  I  win!  (NETTLETON 
rises  slowly,  a  smile  begins  to  overspread  his  fea- 
tures. He  adjusts  his  coat  and  with  an  exagger- 
ated dignity  of  manner  and  tone,  addresses  JOHNS) 


70  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

Boggs,  attend  me!  ( JOHNS  raises  his  head  and 
looks  at  NETTLETON,  beaten)  As  my  butler,  the 
first  little  service  I  shall  require  of  you — is  to  grow 
side  whiskers! 

(NETTLETON  struts  to  JL,  laughing.) 

CURTAIN. 
(Ring  on  the  word  "grow."    Company  calls  only.) 

,(JlMMY,  KROME,  SALLY,  NETTLETON,  MRS.  NET- 
TLETON, VANDERHOLT,  FLORENCE,  JOHNS, 
TONY,  APPLEGATE.) 

ACT  II. 

SCENE: — JOHNS  enters  in  the  costume  of  a  butler, 
wearing  dark  side  whiskers.  Looks  sad  and 
depressed.  He  carries  a  waiter  on  which  is  a 
decanter,  syphon  of  vichy  and  high  ball  glasses. 
Enters  from  L.  I — places  the  waiter  on  the 
table  L.,  then  crosses  to  the  library  R.  i.  As 
JOHNS  passes  c.  going  to  the  library,  CODDLES, 
the  English  maid  servant,  appears  on  the  stairs, 
comes  down  stairs  to  the  first  landing,  hides 
until  JOHNS  returns.  JOHNS  exits  into  the 
library  L.  i,  gets  NETTLETON'S  smoking  jacket 
and  slippers  and  re-enters.  Throws  the  jacket 
roughly  over  the  small  armchair  R.  and  then 
goes  to  the  fireplace  L.  and  dashes  the  slippers 
down;  thinks  better  of  it,  picks  them  up  gently 
and  places  them  before  the  fire  to  warm.  Goes 
to  front  of  the  table  L.,  sits  on  the  small  settee, 
puts  hand  to  head,  sighs.  CODDLES  looks  at  him 
admiringly. 

CODDLES.      (Whistles   coyly)      S-s-s-sh!     Mr. 
Boggs,  sir  I 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  Jl 

JOHNS.  (Straightens  with  a  start,  looks  at  COD- 
DLES, speaks  irritably}  Well,  Coddles,  what  do 
you  want? 

CODDLES.  (Comes  towards  JOHNS)  Ho,  come 
now,  don't  be  cross.  Hi  thought  w'ilst  h'everthink 
was  quiet  like,  h'id  rum  h'in  an'  'elp  you  with  your 
>vork.  (Grins  at  JOHNS) 

JOHNS.  (Waves  at  her')  Keep  away,  will  you? 
Keep  away! 

CODDLES.  (Steps  towards  him,  leans  on  her 
broom)  Yes,  sir.  Thank  you,  sir.  Hi  didn't 
mean  no  'arm,  sir.  But  this  'ere  hain't  no  man's 
<vork,  hany  'ow.  I  don't  see  why  the  marster  makes 
ye  do  it. 

JOHNS.  /  do.  (Taking  up  dust  cloth]  The  pre- 
cise removal  of  microscopic  specks  of  dust  from 
his  personal  possessions — is  the  chief  component 
part  of  a  butler's  destiny. 

CODDLES.  (Blankly)  Yes,  sir.  I  don't  know 
what  you  mean,  sir,  but  hit's  very  likely.  (Laughs 
^presses  her  hands  to  her  bosom,  looking  at  him  in 
lovesick  adoration — goes  to  him,  grins  at  him) 

JOHNS.  Here — stop  grinning  at  me  in  that  way! 
(As  she  changes  her  expression  and  backs  away 
and  puts  one  foot  up  on  the  broom)  What  are 
you  doing  sweeping  at  this  time  of  the  afternoon? 

CODDLES.  (Grinning)  We's  expectin'  guests — 
for  dinner,  sir. 

JOHNS.  (In  alarm,  jumps  to  his  feet,  goes  few 
steps  to  c.  CODDLES  comes  down  off  the  broom,  re- 
treats a  step  or  so)  Guests?  For  dinner?  Who? 

CODDLES.  (Trembling  with  fear)  Hi  don't 
know,  sir.  The  marster  'e  just  telephoned  an'  told 
me  to  tidy  hup  the  spaie  room. 

JOHNS.  (Grimly;  sits  on  the  settee')  Guests! 
And  a  million  to  one  they  know  me!  (Mops  fore- 
head  with  the  dust  cloth) 

CODDLES.     (Advancing  to  him;  leans  her  broom 


72  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

against  the  table  and  kneels  on  the  R.  side  of  the 
settee)  Now,  don't  you  worrit,  sir,  about  the  hex- 
tra  work.  Hi'll  'ave  the  dishes  'ot  an'  ready  for 
you  to  serve  'em.  (As  JOHNS  turns  his  head  away) 
Oh,  Mr.  Boggs,  sir,  Hi  don't  believe  you's  'appy. 

JOHNS.    No?    Why  not? 

CODDLES.  Men  folks  can  'ide  their  feelin's  in  the 
day  time,  Mr.  Boggs;  but  not  hat  night.  (As 
JOHNS  looks  up  at  her)  W'y,  sir,  I  can  'ear  you 
through  the  transom,  a-moanin'  an'  a-cursin'  in 
your  sleep.  (Leans  -forward  tenderly)  Mr.  Boggs, 
sir — was  you  never  a  married  man  ? 

JOHNS.     (Grimly)    Yes!    Three  times! 

CODDLES.  Was  you  now?  W'y  dearie  me! 
(Sits  by  JOHNS  on  the  settee) 

JOHNS.  (Jumps  up  as  though  he  had  been  shot; 
moves  a  step  L.)  But  I'll  tell  you  one  thing,  Cod- 
dles— that  three  is  just  about  my  limit.  Under- 
stand? 

CODDLES.  Yes,  sir.  Thank  you,  sir.  (Grins') 
But  of  course  we  halways  'as  the  privilege  of 
changing  of  our  minds.  (CODDLES  rises,  goes  to 
JOHNS,  who  crosses  quickly  to  front  of  the  table  R. 
CODDLES  plays  with  her  apron,  wiggles  her  foot  in 
•front  of  her  dress,  and  looks  coyly  at  the  uncom- 
fortable JOHNS)  Mr.  Boggs,  sir — did  you  hever 
think  of  the  difference  'tween  you  and  me? 

JOHNS.    Eh?    No,  I  didn't!    How  do  you  mean ? 

CODDLES.  In  this  'ere  'ouse'old,  you  was  hen- 
gaged  because  you's  so  'andsome — (JOHNS  swells 
up  a  bit)  But  Hi  was  hengaged — because  Hi'm 
'omely ! 

JOHNS.  What  makes  you  think  so?  (Looks  at 
her  and  turns  away  and  makes  a  face) 

CODDLES.  Of  course  nobody  hain't  never  told 
me,  plump  outright,  but  hany  one  with  'arf  an 
heye  can  see't  as  the  missus  'as  a  jealous  disposi- 
tion, han'  she  ain't  a-goin'  to  'ave  no  good  lookin* 
\izzies  a-'angin'  aroun'  to  attrack  'er  'usband. 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  73 

JOHNS.  Well,  that's  good  logic  maybe,  but  where 
do  I  come  in? 

CODDLES.  Ho,  with  you  hit's  different.  A  'and- 
some  butler  is  an  hornament. 

JOHNS.  Mm!  That's  what  the  master  says  I 
am.  (CODDLES  moves  close  to  JOHNS,  tries  to  clasp 
his  hand.  JOHNS  pulls  his  hand  away  with  a  gasp 
and  moves  to  chair  R.  of  the  table  R.  and  sits) 

CODDLES.  (Clasping  hands  and  speaking  pathet- 
ically) Yes,  sir.  An'  sometimes  you  looks  mourn- 
ful and  that  sad  you  puts  me  in  mind  of  a  piece  of 
music. 

JOHNS.  Yes;  ragtime!  {Throws  the  dust  cloth 
on  table) 

CODDLES.  (Catches  the  cloth  up  quickly,  kisses 
it,  and  presses  it  to  her  heart;  puts  it  in  dress  front 
— speaks  lovingly)  An'  w'en  you  is  un'appy,  it's 
because  you's  lonesome—  (Coming  behind  him) 
An'  hif  you  would  honly  let  me  rub  your  head,  sir 
—an*  'old  your  'and — (Attempts  to  do  both) 

JOHNS.  (Jumps  up;  runs  up-stage  R.)  Coddles, 
you  are  sick !  You  need  a  doctor ;  you 

CODDLES.  (Folio-wing  him)  No,  no,  sir,  'deed 
Hi  don't.  Hit  hain't  the  stummick,  Mr.  Boggs, 
sir,  hit's  the  'eart ! 

JOHNS.  (Gets  on  small  chair  u.  R.)  Stop  it, 
will  you?  Keep  away!  Why,  woman,  you  are 
raving  crazy.  You — (As  NETTLETON  passes  the 
window  u.  c.)  Look  out — look  out!  Here  comes 
Mr.  Nettleton! 

CODDLES.  Ho,  Lud,  hit's  'im!  (Runs  and  gets 
broom,  then  goes  quickly  to  the  door  L.  I,  opens 
slightly,  and  turns  to  JOHNS)  Mr.  Boggs,  sir — hif 
you  'appens  to  change  your  mind,  sir,  Hi's  in  the 
kitchen!  (Grins  at  him  and  exits) 

(JOHNS  comes  down  off  the  chair,  goes  u.  c.  by  the 
staircase,  stands  at  attention.) 


74  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

NETTLETON.  {Enters  from  u.  R.,  advance* 
slowly  and  with  much  dignity  to  the  table  L.  He 
carries  two  packages,  one  long  and  thin  and  cone 
shaped,  the  other  small  and  flat  tied  with  a  purple 
ribbon.  Places  them  on  table.  NETTLETON  carries 
a  cane.  Speaks  haughtily  to  JOHNS)  Boggs !  My 
hat!  (Hands  the  hat  to  JOHNS,  who  snatches  it 
away.  NETTLETON  pretends  not  to  notice)  My 
stick.  (JOHNS  takes  the  stick,  makes  a  motion  be- 
hind NETTLETON  as  if  to  strike.  NETTLETON  turns 
slightly  and  JOHNS  covers  ii  by  pretending  to 
scmtrh  his  head)  It  is  part  of  your  duty  to  antici- 
pate my  wishes,  without  my  being  forced  to  con- 
tinually call  your  attention  to  such  trifling  details. 
It  is  most  annoying — most  annoying.  (Goes  a  few 
steps  L.,  then  turns  to  JOHNS)  Why  don't  you  an- 
swer me?  (Throws  his  gloves  in  the  hat  which 
JOHNS  is  holding) 

JOHNS.    Yes,  sir. 

NETTLETON.  (NETTLETON  puts  coat  on  the  table 
L.  JOHNS  puts  hat  and  stick  in  the  window  seat 
U.  R.,  then  gets  NETTLETON'S  jacket)  Then  please, 
remember  it,  and  get  my  smoking  jacket.  'JOHNS 
brings  the  jacket  to  NETTLETON,  who  stands  in 
front  of  the  settee  L.,  turned  slightly  to  L.  JOHNS 
stops  behind  NETTLETON,  about  three  feet,  and 
holds  out  the  jacket.  NETTLETON,  without  turning, 
motions  him  to  come  nearer.  JOHNS  does  so,  then 
holding  the  jacket  too  low.  NETTLETON  motions 
him  to  lift  it.  JOHNS  does  so  and  helps  him  on  with 
the  jacket.  When  it  is  on,  he  gives  NETTLETON  a 
shove  sending  him  a  few  feet  down  L.  NETTLETON 
turns  quickly  to  find  JOHNS  with  his  hands  folded, 
looking  front,  with  the  most  innocent  expression 
on  his  face)  Boggs !  You  have  missed  your  voca- 
tion ;  you  should  have  hired  yourself  out  to  a  piano 
mover.  (NETTLETON  sits  on  the  settee  and  taket 
the  evening  paper  from  the  table:  reads  it) 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  7§ 

JOHNS.  (Looks  at  NETTLETON;  then  front)  I 
did! 

NETTLETON.  (Looks  at  him,  then  back  to  paper) 
Now,  Boggs,  we'll  have  our  slippers.  (Hums. 
JOHNS  takes  them  from  the  fireplace,  makes  mo- 
tion as  if  to  throw  them  at  him;  then  kneels  by 
NETTLETON  R.  of  him  and  unbuttons  shoes,  right 
one.  First  takes  off  right  shoe,  puts  on  the  right 
slipper,  then  starts  to  take  off  the  left  shoe — is  slow 
about  it)  Well !  Are  you  going  to  take  all  night  ? 
Why  don't  you  pull  it  off?  (As  JOHNS  jerks  it  off, 
NETTLETON  grabs  his  foot)  Ouch!  What  the 
devil  are  you  doing? 

JOHNS.    You  told  me  to  pull  it  off,  didn't  you? 

NETTLETON.  I  didn't  tell  you  to  pull  off  my  bun- 
yon  with  it,  did  I?  Get  me  a  highball.  And  be 
quick  about  itl  (As  NETTLETON  returns  to  his 
paper) 

JOHNS.  Yes,  sir.  ( JOHNS  goes  up  to  the  tray  as 
slowly  as  possible,  selects  a  highball  glass,  carefully 
pours  the  whiskey  until  the  glass  is  full,  then  takes 
the  vichy  and  squirts  in  a  drop.  Looks  at  NETTLE- 
TON.  Then  drinks  the  glassful:  leaves  just  a  drop; 
holds  up  the  glass  to  see  how  much  is  left;  takes 
another  sip;  holds  up  the  glass  again,  examines  it; 
then  fills  it  with  vichy,  and  goes  to  NETTLETON  and 
hands  it  to  him) 

NETTLETON.  (Taking  the  glass  without  looking 
up  from  his  paper)  Thank  you,  Boggs!  (Starts 
to  drink.  Raises  the  glass,  looks  at  it,  eyes  BOGGS, 
who  is  standing  at  attention,  with  an  innocent  ex* 
pression  on  his  face)  Boggs!  You  ought  to  be 
able  to  mix  a  good  highball. 

JOHNS.  (Respectfully)  I  believe  I  have  it  in 
me,  sir. 

NETTLETON.  (Glances  at  JOHNS  suspiciously, 
then  fills  the  glass  with  whiskey)  And  where  is 
Mrs.  Nettleton?  (Drinks  and  places  the  glass  on 
tray) 


;6  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

JOHNS.  Been  out  all  afternoon  calling.  (Picks 
up  NETTLETON'S  shoes) 

NETTLETON.  (Leans  back)  A-h-h-h-h!  I  tell 
you,  Boggs,  it's  great  to  have  a  comfortable  cozy 
home  to  come  to  after  office  hours.  But  then,  as 
a  successful  business  man,  I  believe  that  I  deserve 
it. 

JOHNS.    (Timidly)    I  say,  George 

NETTLETON.     (Looks  up  sharply)    Eh? 

JOHNS.  (Apologetically)  1  mean,  Mr.  Nettle- 
ton. 

NETTLETON.    That's  better. 

JOHNS.    Eh — how  is  business? 

NETTLETON.  (With  relish)  Great!  (Enthusi- 
astically) Why,  you'd  hardly  believe  it,  but  since 
you  left,  I've  just  about  doubled  the  business.  It 
shows  what  system  and  intelligence  can  do.  No 
disturbance — no  noise — except  the  orders  coming 
in.  For  the  first  time  in  years  I  feel  that  I  can  do 
something.  (JOHNS  walks  a  few  steps  to  c.,  turns 
away  front  NETTLETON)  Oh!  That  reminds  me. 
I've  decided  to  change  the  color  of  our  pills. 

JOHNS.  (Turns  and  takes  a  step  to  NETTLETON) 
What?  You  are  going  to  change  the  color  of  my 
pills.  (Pleads)  Why,  George,  you  don't  mean 
that!  You  can't! 

NETTLETON.  (Smiles — enjoying  the  situation) 
Haven't  I  the  right,  according  to  the  contract? 
The  master  will  have  for  the  term  of  one  year  full 
and  absolute  control  of  all  matters  pertaining  to  the 
business.  (Smiles  at  JOHNS'  discomfiture)  That's 
clear  enough,  isn't  it  ? 

JOHNS.  (Pathetically)  Yes,  I  know.  But  to 
change  the  color  of  my  pills.  (JOHNS  wilts  into 
the  chair  L.  of  the  table  R.)  Why,  George — it's 
like  the  murder — of  my  only  child.  (Puts  right 
elbow  on  table  and  leans  his  head  against  shoes 
which  he  holds  in  his  hand) 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  77 

_  NETTLETON.  Boggs !  Don't  you  think  it  about 
time  to  stop  worrying  over  your  descendants.  That 
violet  was  a  hideous  color,  anyhow.  I've  decided  to 
change  it  to  a  polka  dot. 

JOHNS.  (Crosses  to  settee)  A  polka  dotted 
pill  ?  For  the  lord's  sake,  George 

NETTLETON.  (Checking  him)  No  argument. 
I've  proved  it.  The  minute  I  advertised  the  change 
the  business  jumped. 

JOHNS.  Jumped!  (Goes  a  few  steps  R.,  speaks 
gloomily)  It's  a  wonder  it  didn't  scream! 

NETTLETON.  (Rising)  Oh,  Boggs!  I  forgot 
to  tell  you— I'm  expecting  dinner  guests  this  even- 
ing. 

JOHNS.    (Fiercely)    Who  are  they? 

NETTLETON.     (In  assumed  surprise)    What? 

JOHNS.  (Advancing — speaks  in  a  loud  threaten- 
ing tone)  I  said — who  are  they?  (Flings  NET- 
TELTON'S  shoes  on  the  floor) 

NETTLETON.  (Goes  a  few  steps  L.)  Boggs,  you 
mortify  me !  Please  remember  your  position — and 
the  contract. 

JOHNS.  (Follows  him)  I  do  remember  them — 
both!  But  there's  nothing  in  that  contract  that 
gives  you  the  right  to  put  me  on  exhibition — for 
the  benefit  of  my  former  friends. 

NETTLETON.  (Laughs  lightly,  master  of  the  situ- 
ation) There's  nothing  in  it  to  the  contrary.  (As 
JOHNS  turns  away,  his  hand  to  his  head)  Must  / 
consult  the  butler  as  to  who  are  to  be  my  dinner 
guests?  Besides,  you'll  be  disguised — by  your — er 
— side  whiskers.  Of  course  they  aren't  very  be- 
coming to  you,  Boggs;  but  they  answer  their  pur- 
pose— admirably.  (As  JOHNS  raises  his  fist)  Re- 
member the  contract!  ( JOHNS  reconsiders,  bell 
rings  off  stage)  And  answer  that  bell. 

JOHNS.  All  right!  (Goes  up  a  few  steps,  turns 
and  comes  back)  But  I  want  to  say  to  you  and 


78  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

Van,  that  contract  is  just  about  the  most  one-sided 
contract  that  was  ever  written.  (Up  a  few  steps 
and  back  again — louder  tone)  And  another  thing 
• — /  want — my — mail! 

NETTLETON.     (Loftily)    Your  mail? 

JOHNS.  (Beside  himself  with  rage)  My  private 
letters — that  come  to  the  office!  And  I'm  going 
to  have  them ! 

NETTLETON.  (Holding  up  hand — sternly) 
Boggs !  Don't  irritate  me — with  such  a  trivial  mat- 
ter. Go  see  who's  at  that  door. 

JOHNS.    All  right!     (Exits  u.  R.) 

NETTLETON.  (Grins  after  him;  turns  to  the  tele- 
phone. Goes  to  'phone  by  way  of  L.  side  of  the 
table)  Hello — 61/0  Lenox — (Again  glancing  at 
the  door)  Poor  old  Boggsy!  But  where  ye  sow, 
there  also  shall  ye  reap!  (In  'phone)  Hello!  Is 
that  Mr.  Vanderholt's  home?  Oh,  hello,  Van! 
How  are  you?  Fine!  Did  you  find  you  could 
make  it  for  dinner  this  evening  ?  Good  boy !  Come 
right  along  over.  I  have  a  surprise  for  you. 
What?  (JOHNS  enters  u.  R.,  carries  large  bundle) 
No,  I  can't  tell  you  over  the  'phone — the  servants 
are  hanging  around.  ( JOHNS  makes  an  awful  face) 
Put  on  your  Tux  and  hurry.  Good-bye!  (Hangs 
up  the  receiver  and  sits  on  the  settee  L.)  Well, 
Boggs,  what  was  it? 

JOHNS.  Your  damned  laundry!  (JOHNS  throws 
the  bundle  of  laundry  at  NETTLETON  so  that  it  hits 
him  on  the  arm  and  falls  openf  the  laundry  falling 
all  over  the  floor) 

NETTLETON.  (Throwing  up  his  arm  to  protect 
himself  as  the  laundry  is  thrown,  then  jumping  up 
and  facing  JOHNS)  Why — you — you — impertin- 
ent— say,  look  here!  (Takes  small  red  note  book 
from  his  vest  pocket;  smiles — as  he  makes  a  note) 
Did  you  know  that  this  piece  of  work  is  going  to 
cost  you  just  one  hundred  dollars? 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  79 

JOHNS.  (Laughs)  Yes,  I  know  it — but  it's 
worth  it !  (Laughs')  This  is  the  first  half  minute 
of  actual  enjoyment  I've  had  since  I  came  into  this 
house. 

NETTLETON.  Then  I'll  give  you  another.  You 
pick  up  my  shirts.  (NETTLETON  goes  up  to  the 
mantel  and  stands  with  back  to  JOHNS) 

JOHNS.  With  pleasure,  sir.  (Goes  over  to  the 
laundry,  walks  over  it,  stoops,  picks  it  up,  wraps  it 
all  up  in  a  knot,  puts  it  on  the  settee,  then  goes  R., 
smiling.  Leaves  three  collars  on  the  floor) 

NETTLETON.  (To  front  of  the  settee)  A  nice 
way  to  act — (In  an  injured  tone)  and  after  all  my 
thoughtf  ulness — and  consideration  of  you.  Do  you 
know  what  day  this  is? 

JOHNS.  No,  I've  lost  track  of  the  days  lately. 
(Few  steps  R.) 

NETTLETON.  It's  the  twenty-fourth  of  Novem- 
ber. Your  birthday. 

JOHNS.  (Laughs  sarcastically)  Many  happy 
returns.  (Shakes  hands  with  himself) 

NETTLETON.  (With  sincerity,  to  fool  JOHNS) 
But  since  you  behave  as  you  do,  you  completely  de- 
stroy my  pleasure  in  the  whole  affair.  There  ought 
to  be  one  day  in  the  year  when  you  and  I  could  bury 
the  hatchet. 

JOHNS.  (Really  touched)  Oh,  well,  if — if  you 
feel  that  way,  I'm  with  you.  (Extends  hand)  I'm 
sorry,  George. 

NETTLETON.  (Extends  his  hand  as  if  to  shake 
with  JOHNS  and  as  JOHNS  is  about  to  grasp  it  sud- 
denly moves  it  upwards  and  scratches  his  head  as 
if  that  was  his  original  intention.  JOHNS  grits  his 
teeth  with  rage.  It's  all  right,  T!  We'll  say  no 
more  about  it.  (Crosses  to  the  table  L.,  picks  up 
the  cone-shaped  package;  goes  back  to  JOHNS) 
Here's  a  little  present  I  bought  for  you.  It  isn't 
much — but  still — (Hands  it  to  JOHNS) 


8o  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

JOHNS.  (Taking  it  and  turning  it  over  and  over 
without  opening  it)  A  present  for  me?  That's 
awful  good  of  you,  old  chap !  Hanged  if  it  isn't — 
why 

NETTLETON.  Oh,  no — no !  I'm  glad  to  do  it.  I 
only  hope  that  it  will  be  a  comfort  to  you ! 

JOHNS.  Well — well — looks  like  an  Easter  Lily. 
(Turns  it  over) 

NETTLETON.  (Smiling)  Well,  aren't  you  going 
to  open  it? 

JOHNS.  (Catches  one  end  of  the  paper  and  the 
duster  rolls  out  in  his  right  hand)  Oh !  Oh ! 
(Puts  it  quickly  behind  him;  glares  at  NETTLETON) 
What's  the  idea  ? 

NETTLETON.  (Laughing)  Ah!  (Goes  to  the 
table,  gets  the  flat  package  and  returns  to  JOHNS; 
unwraps  the  package)  Here  is  the  other  part  of 
our  little  birthday  celebration.  (Holds  the  frame 
to  JOHNS,  then  up  to  the  view  of  the  house)  T\vo 
little  sixes  and  a  torn  queen.  Aren't  they  cute? 
(JOHNS  controls  himself  quietly,  and  NETTLETON 
places  the  frame  on  the  table  R.,  facing  the  house) 
Now  then!  (Crosses  to  L.)  I  want  you  to  dust 
this  carefully — twice  a  day — in  the  morning  before 
you  serve  my  breakfast  and  in  the  afternoon — be- 
fore I  return  from  business;  understand? 

JOHNS.    Yes. 

NETTLETON.  Sir!  (NETTLETON  waits  a  second; 
JOHNS  does  not  reply)  Sir!  (JOHNS  does  not  an- 
swer— NETTLETON  takes  out  the  small  red  book) 

JOHNS.     (On  seeing  the  book)     Sir. 

NETTLETON.  (Making  note)  Too  late.  (Going 
u.  c.)  We'll  dine  this  evening  at  seven.  (Goes  up 
the  steps  and  turns  at  the  landing)  And  I  trust 
you'll  do  nothing  to  mortify  me  before  my  guests. 
And,  Boggs,  you  may  serve  the  cocktails  here. 
(Goes  slowly  up  the  stairs  laughing;  trips  as  he  is 
about  to  go  out  of  sight  of  the  house;  jumps  quickly 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  81 

to  his  feet,  looks  keenly  at  BOGGS  to  detect  a  sign  of 
laughter;  BOGGS  stands  at  attention  with  a  sober 
face;  NETTLETON  glares  at  him.  Exits  with  great 
dignity) 

JOHNS.  It's  going  to  cost  me  another  hundred, 
but — (Goes  above  the  table  R.  and  knocks  the  frame 
off  the  table  to  L.,  then  goes  and  stands  by  the 
stairs) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Entering  from  u.  R.,  comes 
to  c.,  looks  at  the  shoes  on  the  floor,  then  goes  to 
the  table  L.,  puts  her  things,  bag,  and  so  forth,  on 
same)  Good-evening,  T!  (Stoops  to  pick  up  the 
shoes)  My  gracious!  What  a  careless  dear 
George  is.  (JOHNS  comes  down  and  takes  up  the 
shoes;  MRS.  NETTLETON  tries  to  take  the  shoes 
away;  they  see-saw  with  them)  T!  You  mustn't 
do  such  things.  Give  them  to  me.  (As  he  takes 
the  shoes  and  steps  back)  Why — why,  don't  you 
know  it  mortifies  me  when  I  see  you  as — as  an 
actual — servant.  (Turns  away,  goes  a  few  steps  L., 
turns)  Oh,  T,  I'm  ashamed!  Why  don't  you  and 
George  stop  all  this  nonsense? 

JOHNS.  No !  I  was  the  one  who  made  a  fool  of 
myself.  And  I'm  going  through  with  it — if  I  turn 
purple  and  bust!  (Step  R.) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Has  George  been — unkind  to 
yeu  again? 

JOHNS.  (Airily)  Oh,  no!  He  was  particularly 
pleasant  this  evening.  (They  meet  center) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Which  means  you  are  telling 
a  beautiful,  splendid  fib. 

JOHNS.  Not  at  all.  There  were  any  number  of 
little  things  he  forgot  to  put  over.  Shall  I  tell  him 
you  are  here?  (Starts  up  center) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  No — no !  (Following  him  a 
step)  Oh,  T !  I'm  sorry  for  this,  indeed  I  am,  and 
I'm  doing  all  I  can  to — to  make  it  easier  for  you ! 

TOHNS.    Nellie,  you're  a  brick ! 


82  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  No,  I'm  not !  But  I  am  using 
all  my  influence  to  make  him  less  exacting — why, 
T 

NETTLETON.  (Off-stage)  Hello,  sweetheart! 
Are  you  there  ? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (To  JOHNS)  S-h-h!  (Runs 
up  to  the  steps — calls  up)  Yes,  darling!  I've  just 
come  in.  (  JOHNS  runs  to  the  table  R.,  picks  up  the 
duster,  then  goes  to  the  table  L.  MRS.  NETTLETON 
to  JOHNS,  in  a  loud  whisper")  Don't  let  him  see 
you  talking  to  me,  it — it  might  affect  my  influence 
ever  him ! 

JOHNS.  (In  the  same  tone)  But,  Nellie — there's 
just  one  thing 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Glancing  up  the  stairs,  then 
back  at  JOHNS)  What  is  it? 

JOHNS.  (Gathering  the  laundry,  duster  and  so 
forth  and  holding  it  all  in  a  bunch  against  his  chest) 
If  you  really  have  any  influence  with  him,  let  Cod- 
dles serve  the  dinner  this  evening.  I'll  stay  in  the 
kitchen  and  cook.  I  know  how  to  boil  potatoes  and 
fry  a  steak — I 

NETTLETON.     (Off-stage)    Nellie! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.    Sh-h-h! 

JOHNS.  (Aside)  And  put  arsenic  in  his  soup. 
(Exits  L.  l) 

NETTLETON.  (Coining  down  the  steps  to  L.  of 
MRS.  NETTLETON)  Well,  well,  well!  Here  you 
are  at  last!  (Kisses  her;  takes  her  down  center) 
Where  have  you  been  so  late? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Well,  I  had  such  a  terrible  lot 
of  calls  to  make  I  forgot  the  time  completely. 

NETTLETON.  I  see;  I  was  getting  worried  about 
you. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Were  you?  (Strokes  his 
face) 

NETTLETON.  I  should  think  I  -was!  (Takes  her 
bv  the  elbows,  looks  into  her  eyes)  For  the  last 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  83 

half  hour  I've  been  sitting  at  the  window,  watching 
every  woman  who  came  along. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Draws  away  from  him; 
speaks  a  little  sharply)  What? 

NETTLETON.  (Quickly)  I  mean — watching  for 
you.  You  know  what  I  mean.  (With  a  careless 
shrug)  These  other  women  were  merely  disap- 
pointments. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Another  step  back,  looking 
at  him  closely)  Are  you  sure? 

NETTLETON.  Of  course  I  am!  (Takes  her  arm, 
leads  her  to  the  settee  L.)  Now,  come  right  over 
here,  and  we'll  sit  down  by  our  own  bright  fireside 
— and — (MRS.  NETTLETON  sits  on  L.  side  of  the 
settee;  NETTLETON  looks  at  the  frame  JOHNS  has 
thrown  on  the  floor)  Excuse  me  just  a  minute. 
(Picks  the  frame  up  and  stands  it  on  the  table  R., 
then  makes  memo,  in  the  little  red  book) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.    What  is  it,  dear? 

NETTLETON.  Nothing,  only  our  Boggs  is  grow- 
ing careless.  I'm  making  a  charge  on  his  office  ac- 
count and  a  deduction — for  breakage — against  his 
wages. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  George,  why  is  it  you  are  so 
unkind  with  T  ? 

NETTLETON.  (Laughs;  goes  to  c.,  turns,  faces 
MRS.  NETTLETON)  What  nonsense!  It  is  merely 
wholesome  discipline. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Shaking  finger  at  him) 
That's  just  what  I  mean.  T  is  a  human  being,  and 
you  are  not  in  the  least  considerate  of  him.  He's  sd 
miserable  and  wretched  all  the  time,  that 

NETTLETON.  (Crosses  to  MRS.  NETTLETON. 
Fierce  tone)  What!  Has  that  fellow  been  trot- 
ting to  you  with  his  troubles? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Quickly)  No,  he  hasn't! 
But  I  can  see  it — in  the  poor  boy's  face!  It's  not 
kind  of  you,  darling,  no.  not  one  bit.  And  the 


84  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

reason  I  thought  of  it,  was  this.  (Takes  the  tele* 
gram  from  her  hand-bag) 

NETTLETON.  (As  telegram  is  shown  him)  ^ 
telegram,  eh?  We'll  sit  down  and  read  it  together. 
(He  sits  by  MRS.  NETTLETON)  What  does  it  say? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Reading)  "  Will  arrive  this 
afternoon,  6:  15.  Love.  Florence." 

NETTLETON.  Now  /  know  all  about  that  tele- 
gram. /  wrote  to  Florence  several  days  ago. 
Asked  her  to  run  down  and  spend  a  week  with  us. 
Told  her  you'd  be  delighted. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (In  consternation)  With  us? 
But,  George  dear,  we  can't  have  her  here! 

NETTLETON.  Why  not  ?  She's  one  of  your  most 
intimate  friends.  I  thought  you'd  be  glad  to  have 
her. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  I  would  under  ordinary  cir- 
cumstances, but  you  don't  seem  to — (Earnestly) 
Why,  don't  you  know  that  T  is  head  over  heels  in 
love  with  Florence  Cole? 

NETTLETON.  (Rises,  crosses  to  c,  laughs)  Yes, 
I  know  it.  That  was  my  reason  for  inviting  her. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Rises;  reproving  tone) 
George!  (She  looks  at  him  reproachfully)  But 
she'll  see  him  here  as  your  butler — and,  naturally, 
you'll  have  to  explain. 

NETTLETON.  And  pay  five  thousand  for  the 
privilege?  Not  much! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Raises  her  voice  slightly) 
Very  well ;  then  /'//  explain. 

NETTLETON.  (Quickly)  Oh,  no,  you  don't.  I 
don't  propose  to  pay  five  thousand  for  you,  either. 
Please  remember  the  contract. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  But  somebody's  got  to  tell 
her.  If  you  can't  and  I  can't,  why,  then  poor  T 
will  have  to  do  it. 

NETTLETON.  (Laughs;  slaps  hands)  Oh,  well, 
that's  different.  T  has  moi»  reason  to  explain. 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  85 

Besides,  I  can  use  his  five  thousand  very  nicely. 
(Crosses  to  R.  of  the  table  R.) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (In  earnest  reproach)  Oh, 
George!  It  isn't  fair!  It's  cruel!  It's — ah— 
(Turns  away  from  NETTLETON) 

NETTLETON.  Look  here,  Nellie!  Why  are  you 
always  taking  up  for  him? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (A  step  to  him")  Because  I 
have  a  heart!  Because  you  never  had  a  right  to 
make  that  horrid  contract. 

NETTLETON.     (Heatedly)    He  forced  me  into  it! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.     Oh 

NETTLETON.  Yes,  he  did !  For  three  years  that 
fellow  made  my  life  a  curse ;  and  now  I'm  going  to 
make  his  life  a  curse — for  just  one  year  from  the 
date  thereof.  (Takes  a  step  R.  and  back;  rubs  his 
hands) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Pleadingly)  But,  oh,  how 
can  you? 

NETTLETON.  Oh,  I  guess  I  can  all  right.  And 
then  there's  Van.  He's  in  love  with  Florence,  too. 
jGood  old  Van  helped  me  a  let  when  he  dealt  me  this 
;pair  of  sixes,  and  now,  by  Jupiter,  I'm  going  to  fix 
things  up  for  him. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Suddenly  becoming  furious) 
And  what  of  me? 

NETTLETON.     (In  astonishment)     Of  you? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Crosses  to  L.  of  the  table  R.) 
Yes,  me!  I  was  the  real  stake  in  that  little  gam- 
bling episode.  Suppose  you  had  become  T's  butler, 
and  /  had  been  that  queen  that's  torn  in  half? 
(Sits  L.  oj  the  table;  begins  to  cry) 

NETTLETON.  (Rather  dazed  at  the  suddenness 
of  it  all)  But,  Nellie — <iarling — (Steps  to  her 
above  the  table) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Becoming  hysterical)  And 
-.-you  risked — me!  (MR.  NETTLETON  protests 
silently)  I've  never  quite  forgiven  you  for  that' 


86  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

And  I  never  will !  Most  women  would  have  nevei 
rested  till  they  had  gotten  even  and  I  don't  know 
but  what  I  shall,  too! 

NETTLETON.  (  Goes  to  her  above  the  table.  Try* 
ing  to  pacify  her)  But,  Nellie — my  precious  lit* 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Violent  hysteria — screams) 
Don't  talk  to  me!  Don't  argue  with  me.  (Looks 
up  at  him;  changes  tone  completely;  in  the  most 
matter-of-fact  voice)  You  know  I'm  nervous! 

NETTLETON.  (Puts  hand  to  his  forehead  to 
gather  his  wits — goes  below  the  table  R.)  All  right; 
/  won't!  (Bell  off  stage) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Starting  again)  Ah-h-h- 
h-h-!  There's  Florence  now — and  what  are  we 
going  to  do-oo-oo-oo ! 

NETTLETON.  Don't  let  her  see  you  crying.  Run 
Up  to  your  room. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Jumps  to  her  feet;  screams 
at  him;  stamps  her  foot)  I  won't.  You  want  to 
get  rid  of  me-e-c-c-e-e  !  (Flops  rather  than  sits 
in  the  seat,  sobbing) 

NETTLETON.  (Gritting  his  teeth  and  raising  his 
hands  to  heaven)  All  right !  Then  stay  where  you 
are! 

(JOHNS  enters  from  L.  i,  starts  to  the  door  u.  R.) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Sees  JOHNS  as  he  is  about  c 
Warns  NETTLETON  in  a  shrill  voice)  George! 

NETTLETON.  (Makes  a  mad  dash  and  intercepts 
the  astonished  JOHNS  at  c.)  Never  mind,  Boggs; 
I'll  answer  that. 

JOHNS.     (In  amasement)    What!    You? 

NETTLETON.  (Impatiently;  yells  at  JOHNS,  imi- 
tating his  tone)  Yes,  me-e-e !  Can't  I  answer  my 
own  door-bell?  (As  JOHNS  stands  looking  at  him 
with  a  blank  expression  on  his  face,  NETTLETON 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  87 

at  him  in  a  furious  voice}  What's  the  matter 
with  you?  Clear  out! 

JOHNS.  Yes,  sir.  (As  he  reaches  the  door  turns 
and  gives  NETTLETON  an  astonished  look,  exits  and 
slams  the  door} 

NETTLETON.  (Starts  after  him)  Why— * 
you 

MRS.  NETTLETON.     (Warningly)     George! 

NETTLETON.  (Stops;  obtains  control  of  himself, 
turns  to  MRS.  NETTLETON  with  a  bow)  Thank 
you !  ( Takes  out  the  little  red  book  and  makes  en" 
try  as  he  goes  to  the  door  u.  JL.  NETTLETON  exits 
u.  R.) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Crosses  to  the  settee  L.  and 
sits;  speaks  as  she  walks}  I  don't  know  what  she 
wants  to  come  here  for,  anyway,  and  uspet  every- 
thing— (NETTLETON  and  FLORENCE  are  heard  off 
u.  R.  exchanging  greetings)  My  nose  is  all  red — • 
(Takes  a  small  powder  puff  and  mirror  from  her 
hand-bag  and  powders  her  nose,  then  replaces 
them)  There,  now  that's  all  right! 

NETTLETON.  (Holds  the  door  open  for  FLOR- 
ENCE, who  runs  to  center.  NETTLETON  follows  her 
as  far  as  the  table  R.,  puts  her  bag,  which  he  carries, 
on  the  table)  Here  she  is,  darling!  Here  she  is ! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Springs  to  her  feet,  goes 
quickly  to  FLORENCE  with  radiant  cordiality. 
Kisses  her,  then  they  hold  hands  and  look  at  each 
other)  Why — Florence ! 

FLORENCE.  (Returning  the  embrace  and  the 
kiss)  Why,  Nellie !  You  dear  old  thing ! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  I'm  so  glad  you've  come;  I've 
just  been  longing  for  you  from  the  very  minute  I 
asked  dear  old  George  to  write  you ! 

NETTLETON.  (Aside,  as  he  takes  a  step  D.  R.) 
Oh,  my  God ! 

FLORENCE.  Have  you  ?  How  lovely !  And  how 
you're  looking ! 


88  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Am  I  ?  And  how  we!  you're 
looking ! 

FLORENCE.  (Turning  to  NETTLETON)  And  ho\» 
well  dear  old  George  is  looking.  .Shall  I  kiss  him, 
too?  (Turns  to  MRS.  NETTLETON.  NETTLETON 
looks  at  MRS.  NETTLETON  and  grins') 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  What?  (As  FLORENCE  turns 
she  is  all  smiles)  Why  certainly — if  you  like — 
(Starts  down  L.,  speaks  aside)  Well — of  all  the — • 
(At  the  sound  of  the  kiss  as  FLORENCE  kisses  the 
unwilling  NETTLETON)  George!  (As  FLORENCE 
looks  at  her,  she  laughs  foolishly.  NETTLETON 
tries  to  laugh,  too} 

FLORENCE.  (Sits  L.  of  the  table  R.)  There! 
'(Smiles  at  them)  Now  I  feel  at  home! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Forced  laugh)  Yes — so  it 
seems.  (Glares  stealthily  at  NETTLETON)  But 
since  you  are  at  home,  I  won't  make  company  of 
you.  (Goes  to  the  table  L.,  gets  things)  I'm  going 
up  to  dress  for  dinner. 

FLORENCE.  To  dress?  Good  gracious!  My 
trunk  isn't  here  and  I  haven't  a  single  thing !  Are 
there  going  to  be  guests  for  dinner  ? 

NETTLETON.  Just  home  folks.  (Coyly)  Van  is 
coming  over. 

FLORENCE.  Van?  Oh  well,  I  don't  mind  him. 
Will  T  be  here? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Rather  hysterically) 
T-T-T-(Laughs  and  takes  a  few  steps  L.) 

FLORENCE.  I've  written  him  seven  times  and 
haven't  heard  one  solitary  word.  Not  even  when 
I  wired  him! 

NETTLETON.     (Laughing)     Yes,  he'll  be  here. 

FLORENCE.  (Rather  mystified)  Has  he  been  at 
the  office? 

NETTLETON.  Well,  no !  He's  been  on  a  sort  of  a 
holiday!  (Goes  to  lean  on  the  table,  misses.  MRS, 
NETTLETON  glares  at  him) 

FLORENCE.     Oh!    Where  did  he  go? 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  89 

NETTLETON.  He  didn't  say!  (Laughs.  MRS. 
NETTLETON  is  very  uncomfortable) 

FLOEENCE.  What  is  it,  George?  (Rising)  Oh, 
/  know.  You  and  Nellie  are  giving  a  birthday 
dinner  to  dear  old  T. 

NETTLETON.  (Laughs  at  the  idea)  That's  it. 
Especially  for  dear  old  T. 

FLORENCE.     (Sits)     What's  the  joke? 

NETTLETON.  Nothing,  only  with  Van  and  T  both 
clamoring  for  your  heart  and  hand,  I  was  wonder- 
ing how  you'd  manage  them. 

FLORENCE.  (Rises,  step  to  c.)  Nonsense! 
They  are  just  two  silly  boys  and  I  don't  care  a  fig 
for  either. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Crosses  to  FLORENCE, 
catches  her  hand,  holds  the  ring  up  to  view)  No? 
And  how  about  this  ring  ? 

FLORENCE.  (Jerking  hand  away  and  hiding  the 
ring)  Stop  it!  That  ring  was  given  me  by  my 
own,  own,  uncle — as  a  consolation  for  being  an  old 
maid.  (Laughs  and  holds  out  hand)  Think  it 
pretty  ? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Yes,  beautiful,  but  we  are 
wasting  time.  You  talk  to  George  while  I  dress 
and — (Starts  to  take  FLORENCE  to  NETTLETON, 
changes  her  mind,  and  takes  her  to  the  stairs)  I 
mean,  suppose  you  come  along  with  me,  dearest, 
and  we'll  have  a  nice,  old-fashioned  chat. 

FLORENCE.    All  right;  splendid;  come  along! 

• 

(They  go  up  on  the  first  landing;  MRS.  NETTLETON 
lets  FLORENCE  precede  her.) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Turns  quickly  to  NETTLE- 
TON.  Loud  whisper)  Hm!  Enjoyed  your  little 
kiss,  didn't  you  ? 

NETTLETON.  (Same  tone)  Sh-h-h,  she'll  hear 
you !  (Loud  voice  as  FLORENCE  turns)  Run  along, 


go  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

girls !    I've  got  to  go  up,  too,  to  shave. 

FLORENCE.  Good!  And  if  Nellie  doesn't  mind 
—I'll  hold  your  shaving  mug.  (Exits  up  the 
stairs,  laughing) 

NETTLETON.  (Quickly  grabs  the  bag  and  starts 
for  the  stairs)  I'll  be  right  up. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Takes  the  bag  away  from 
NETTLETON  as  he  comes  up  on  the  stairs)  I  think, 
Mr.  Nettleton,  you  had  better  shave  in  the  bath- 
room. (Exits  up  the  stairs) 

/NETTLETON  exits  up  the  stairs  after  MRS.  NETTLE- 
TON,  as  JOHNS  enters  with  the  coal  scuttle 
L.  I.  NETTLETON  laughs  at  JOHNS.) 

JOHNS.  (Takes  the  collars  off  the  floor  and 
throws  them  into  the  coal  scuttle.  He  goes  up  L.  of 
the  table  L.  and  puts  the  coal  scuttle  in  the  fire- 
place. FLORENCE  laughs  off  L.)  My  God!  Thst 
laugh!  (Crosses  excitedly  to  R.  c.)  Oh,  but  it 
couldn't  be !  It  couldn't! 

CODDLES.  (Appearing  suddenly  from  L,  i  and 
running  to  center.  Holds  three  letters  behind  her 
back)  Sh-h-h,  Mr.  Boggs,  sir! 

JOHNS.  (Down  below  the  table  R.)  Well,  what 
is  it? 

CODDLES.  I  got  a  secret  for  you,  sir.  (As  JOHNS 
moves  away  from  her  in  alarm)  No,  it  hain't 
about  me,  sir. 

JOHNS.    (Relieved)    Oh ! 

CODDLES.  A  gentleman  tome  nup  from  the  office, 
sir,  but  'e  couldn't  wait. 

JOHNS.    Well? 

CODDLES.    It  was  about  your  mail ! 

JOHNS.     (Sharply)    What's  that? 

CODDLES.  Yes,  sir,  'e  says  that  every  day  'e's 
been  a-puttin'  'em  on  the  marster's  desk  a-thinkua* 
«»  'ow  the  marster  would  bring  'em  'ome  to  votu 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  91 

JOHNS.  And  he  held  back  my  letters,  ray  maiM 
Well,  contract  or  no  contract,  I'm — (Doubles  up 
fists,  starts  towards  the  stairs) 

CODDLES.  (Throws  arms  about  JOHNS  to  pre- 
vent him  from  going  up  the  stairs.  He  swings  her 
around  and  breaks  her  grip)  Ho !  Mr.  Boggs,  sir. 
Mr.  Boggs,  sir.  Don't! 

JOHNS.  (Shaking  her  off)  Keep  away,  will 
you?  Keep  away!  (CODDLES  exhibits  the  letters) 
Ah !  You've  got  them !  My  letters — give  'em  here ! 

CODDLES,  (Runs,  with  JOHNS  in  pursuit.  COD- 
dies  runs  to  L.,  then  up  L.  of  the  table  L.,  then  to 
extreme  R.,  down  R.  of  the  table  R.,  then  up  L.  c, 
turns  and  confronts  JOHNS  with  letters.  JOHNS 
pursues  CODDLES  as  far  as  the  table  L.,  then  chases 
her  around  the  table  R.,  and  he  finishes  in  front  of 
the  table  R.  CODDLES  calls  coyly  as  he  gives  pur- 
suit) You  can't  catch  me — you  can't  catch  me! 
(As  she  stops  and  faces  him)  I've  got  me  fingers. 
Crossed !  I've  got  me  fingers  crossed  ! 

JOHNS.    You've  got  your  wires  crossed. 

CODDLES.  Wot's  they  worth  to  you,  Mr.  Boggs, 
sir?  (Snickers) 

JOHNS.  Worth?  (CODDLES  snickers  and  draws 
her  sleeve  over  her  mouth.  JOHNS  makes  face. 
Looks  to  see  if  anyone  is  looking,  goes  to  her,  bends 
over  as  if  to  kiss  her;  she  raises  her  lips  to  receive 
the  kiss,  and  he  jerks  the  letters  azvay  and  goes  •.. 
Speaks  sharply)  Nothing ! 

CODDLES.  (Goes  a  few  steps  down  L.,  twisting 
her  apron  and  screws  up  her  face  as  though  she 
were  going  to  cry.  Speaks  in  a  tearful  voice)  I 
knowed  they  was  from  another  woman — (Dabbing 
her  eyes  with  the  corner  of  her  apron,  while  JOHNS 
tears  open  the  letters  and  reads)  I  knowed  by  the 
color  of  'em — and  the  sweet  smell  of  'em — thai 
they  come  from  some  young  'uzzy — (Whimpers) 

JOHNS.     (Looking  up  from  the  letter  in  irrita- 


92  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

/ton)  No,  they  don't!  They  come  from  my — my 
oldest  daughter !  (Returns  to  letter) 

CODDLES.  (Stops  whimpering,  her  features 
spread  into  a  grin)  Do  they  now?  Dearie  me! 
(Begins  to  edge  over  to  him)  Hexcuse  me,  sir,  but 
I  just  want  to  harsk  you  somethink — most  particu- 
lar. 

JOHNS.     (Crossly)     Oh,  what  is  it? 

CODDLES.  This  'ere.  (Clasps  her  hands  and 
looks  at  him  appealingly)  Wot  hever  become  of 
them  three  lydies? 

JOHNS.  (Bewildered,  hand  to  forehead)  Three 
ladies — what  three  ladies  ? 

CODDLES.  Why,  them  wot  you  was  married  to — • 
Hat  different  times,  sir.  (Snickers  and  pulls  her 
apron) 

JOHNS.  (As  it  dawns  on  him)  Oh!  Those! 
(Grins)  Coddles!  (Sternly)  I'll  tell  you — they 
came  to  violent  ends — all  of  them ! 

CODDLES.  Did  they  now?  Dearie  me!  But  hif 
Hi  was  one  of  them  Mrs.  Boggses 

JOHNS.  (Catches  her  by  the  wrist  and  takes  her 
down  the  stage  a  step.  In  a  fierce  tone  to  the 
frightened  CODDLES)  Hold  on  there!  (Looks  at 
her  sternly)  Do  you  know  what  became  of  the 
last  one — the  third  unhappy  Mrs.  Boggs  ? 

CODDLES.  (Trembling.  Speaks  timidly)  No, 
sir;  wot? 

JOHNS.  (Illustrating  it)  I  hung  her  by  the 
heels  and  skinned  her!  (Watches  CODDLES  nar- 
rowly for  the  effect) 

CODDLES.  (Is  unnerved  for  the  moment.  Gasps, 
swallows.  Then  regaining  her  composure,  grins  at 
him  and  speaks  coyly)  Yes,  sir.  Veay  likely,  sir. 
An'  I'll  bet  you  a  tuppence  she  jolly  well  de- 
served it!  (Grins  her  broadest  at  him.  JOHNS' 
face  falls  in  despair)  But  if  Hi  'ad  been  one  of 
them  Mrs.  Boggses,  sir,  an' — (She  attempts  tr,  put 
\er  arms  about  hiK^ 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  93 

JOHNS.  (Throws  her  roughly  off)  Oh,  hell, 
what's  the  use?  Get  out!  (Sinks  in  chair  R.  of  the 
table  R.) 

CODDLES.  (Looks  at  him  reproachfully,  then 
waddles  to  L.  i,  turns  at  door,  looks  at  BOGGS) 
My  conscience !  Some  men  his  hawf ul  'ard  to  take 
a  'int,  an'  that  one — (Indicates  JOHNS,  and  raises 
eyes  to  heaven)  My  Gawd — you  got  to  'it  'im  in 
the  'ead  with  a  'atchet!  (Exits  L.  i,  in  disgust; 
door  bell  off  stage) 

JOHNS.  (Choking  with  rage  as  he  opens  the  let- 
ters) Written  on  the  eighteenth,  and  this  is  the 
twenty- fourth 

NETTLETON.  (Calling  from  off  stage  L.) 
B-o-g-g-s ! 

JOHNS.  (Imitating  NETTLETON)  Y-e-s! 
(Jumps  up  and  runs  to  stairs,  calling  loudly)  Sir! 

NETTLETON.  (Off-stage  L.,  savagely)  Why  the 
devil  don't  you  answer  that  door-bell  ? 

JOHNS.  (At  the  foot  of  the  stairs,  bawls)  Be- 
cause I  though  you'd  taken  on  that  job  yourself ! 

NETTLETON.  Well,  you  count  that  as  another 
hundred — for  impertinence — and  see  who's  at  that 
door! 

JOHNS.  (Furious)  All  right!  (Takes  a  step 
towards  the  door  R.) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Enters  R.  2;  as  he  sees  JOHNS, 
he  points  at  him  and  laughs)  Oh !  Hello  T !  How 
are  you?  It  took  you  so  long  to  answer  the  bell,  I 
walked  right  in.  (Laughs  heartily  as  he  sees  the 
butler's  uniform.  Turns  JOHNS  around  with  his 
right  hand  as  he  holds  his  hat  in  his  left  hand. 
JOHNS  resents  it.  VANDERHOLT  still  laughing, 
crosses  JOHNS  to  R.  i)  Well,  T,  this  is  a  bit  rough 
on  you.  (Extends  his  right  hand.  JOHNS  puts  his 
hand  out  to  shake.  As  he  does  so,  VANDERHOLT 
laughs  and  hands  him  his  hat  with  his  left  hand) 
A  little  service,  Boggs!  ( JOHNS  glares  at  him  and 
takes  the  hat.  VANDERHOLT  removes  his  coat  and 


94  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

gives  it  to  JOHNS.  Then  goes  above  the  table  L, 
and  pours  himself  a  drink')  Ah!  This  does  look 
cozy!  (Turns  to  JOHNS,  cheerfully)  Well,  T, 
how  goes  it? 

JOHNS.  (Throws  VANDERHOLT'S  hat  and  coat 
on  the  floor,  on  pillows  on  floor  near  the  window 
seat,  then  comes  to  VANDERHOLT)  I'm  rather  glad 
to  see  you  and  by  yourself ! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Coming  down  R.  of  the  table  L. 
to  front  of  same.  (Slips  highball)  You  flatter  me. 
What's  the  secret? 

JOHNS.  It  isn't  a  secret,  it's  pretty  well  wide 
open.  I  want  that  contract  cancelled  and  I  want 
it  done  now.  (Comes  down  c.) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Laughs  lightly)  Cancel  your 
contract?  Ask  me  something  easy.  (Sits  on  the 
settee) 

JOHNS.    I  don't  ask  it — I  demand  it ! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Puts  his  glass  on  the  table  L.) 
Now,  see  here,  T — you  know  perfectly  well — that 
agreement  can  only  be  annulled  by  mutual  consent. 

JOHNS.    Not  when  you  drew  it. 

VANDERHOLT.    No ! 

JOHNS.    And  you  call  yourself  a  lawyer! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Smiling)  Well,  I  manage  to 
make  a  living. 

JOHNS.  But  how?  By  drawing  up  illegal  con- 
tracts. 

VANDERHOLT.  What's  that?  And  why  is  yours 
illegal  ? 

JOHNS.  Because  all  the  advantages  are  on  his 
side.  Any  court  will  see  it. 

VANDERHOLT.  (Rises)  All  right  then,  if  I  don't 
know  my  business,  suppose  you  consult  some  other 
lawyer.  (Few  steps  L.,  turns,  smiles  at  JOHNS) 

JOHNS.  (Bitterly)  I  can't.  If  I  told  a  lawyer 
• — or  anybody  else — it  would  cost  me  five  thousand 
dollars  cash.  You  out  that  in.  as  a  special  clause. 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  95 

VANDERHOLT.  (Laughs;  goes  to  JOHNS)  And 
you  signed  the  agreement.  You  go  into  a  thing  be- 
cause you  think  you've  got  the  big  soft  end  of  it, 
but  when  you  find  you  haven't,  you  put  up  a  howl. 
If  you  don't  like  the  contract — break  it!  (Dis- 
misses the  subject  with  a  wave  of  the  hand;  goes 
a  few  steps  L.) 

JOHNS  And  forfeit  all  my  interest  in  the  busi- 
ness? Another  of  your  infernal  clauses!  That's 
the  way  you've  tied  me  up !  That's  what  you  have 
done  to  me.  But  I'll  tell  you  there  are  two  things 
that  are  not  in  the  contract 

VANDERHOLT.  (Laughs')  Good  Lord!  Did  I 
forget  something?  What  are  they?  (Goes  to 
JOHNS) 

JOHNS.  First,  my  personal  mail.  George  has 
been  holding  it  at  the  office,  and  no  matter  what  it 
costs  me,  I'm  going — to — punch — his — nose! 

VANDERHOLT.  Oh!  Held  your  mail,  did  he? 
Well,  T,  I  agree  with  you,  that  isn't  exactly  fair. 
I'll  speak  to  George  about  it.  What's  your  other 
grievance?  (Few  steps  L.) 

JOHNS.    Florence ! 

VANDERHOLT,  Florence?  Well,  what  about 
Florence  ? 

JOHNS.  (Pointing  finger}  You  arranged  for 
Nellie  to  know  about  the  contract  and  you've  got  to 
arrange  for  Florence  to  know. 

VANDERHOLT.    Why  ? 

JOHNS.  Because  you've  put  me  in  a  hole.  I 
can't  even  write  to  her  without  lying;  and  I'm  not 
going  to  lie  to  her.  (Crosses  to  R.  c.) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Thoughtfully)  Um — I  see. 
Well — if  that's  what  you  want,  you'll  have  to  ar- 
range it  with  George. 

JOHNS.  (Goes  to  VANDERHOLT)  Meaning  that 
you  won't  do  it ! 

VANDERHOLT.     No — I  won't.     (Turns  away) 


£6  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

JOHNS.  (Angrily.  Shakes  his  fist  at  VANDES- 
HOLT)  And  I  know  why — because  you  planned  it! 
Deliberately!  To  put  me  out  of  the  running  anc* 
get  the  inside  track  yourself ! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Wheeling  sharply)  Hold  up 
there !  Don't  make  me  lose  my  temper.  You  had 
a  fair  deal,  didn't  you?  ( JOHNS  makes  an  impa- 
tient movement)  And  an  outside  party  cut  the 
cards.  Suppose  you  had  won  and  George  had  be- 
come your  butler? 

JOHNS.  Wouldn't  Florence  want  to  know  why? 
(Complaining  tone)  That's  what  I  claim!  You've 
jobbed  me — got  me  going  and  you've  got  me  com- 
ing! (Illustrates  it)  But  I  know  a  why  to  fora 
you  to  tell  her — and  I  won't  break  the  contract 
either. 

VANDERHOLT.    How  ? 

JOHNS.  I'm  going  to  telegraph  Florence  to-day 
saying  I  am  safe  and  well  and  for  further  informa- 
tion please  apply  to  Mr.  Thomas  J.  Vanderholt, 
referee.  (Gazes  at  VANDERHOLT  in  triumph) 

VANDERHOLT.  Wha — (Puts  up  his  hand)  Oh, 
no,  you  don't !  You 

JOHNS.  (Checking  him)  And  when  that  little 
lady  comes  down  from  Albany — it's  nighty-night 
'for  you!  (Waves  good-bye  at  VANDERHOLT.  VAN- 
DERHOLT pauses  thoughtfully)  Well — will  you  tell 
her? 

VANDERHOLT.  (Faces  him,  his  jaw  set)  No! 
My  interest  in  Miss  Florence  is  a  personal  matter, 
not  mentioned  in  the  contract — (Stops  JOHNS  as  he 
starts  to  speak)  But  if  you  give  information  even 
leading  toward  the  contract — it  would  be  equiv- 
alent to  a  direct  violation. 

JOHNS.  (Raises  his  voice)  It  wouldn't  at  all. 
It 

VANDERHOLT.  (Drowns  his  voice)  In  your 
opinion — (Jauntily)  But  as  referee,  with  power 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  97 

to  decide  all  questions  of  dispute,  I'm  afraid  I 
should  decide  the  point  against  you.  Get  it  ?  Keep 
it!  (Slaps  JOHNS  on  the  chest  and  walks  to  L., 
laughing  heartily) 

JOHNS.  (Boiling)  All  right!  Then  I'll  find 
some  other  way  to  get  you,  if  it  lands  me  in  a  hos- 
pital. (Raises  his  clenched  fists  and  his  voice) 
And  as  for  George  B.  Nettleton — I'll 

NETTLETON.  (Calling  from  off-stage  L.)  Boggs! 
(JOHNS  at  once  comes  to  attention.  VANDERHOLT 
laughs)  Is  that  Mr.  Vanderholt  down  there? 

VANDERHOLT.  (Runs  up  to  the  steps.  Laugh- 
ing at  JOHNS  and  calling  up  to  NETTLETON.  JOHNS 
goes  to  the  door  L.  i)  Yes!  Hello,  George! 
How  are  you? 

NETTLETON.  (From  off-stage  L.)  Tip-top, 
thanks !  Be  down  in  a  minute ;  tell  Boggs  to  serve 
the  cocktails! 

(JOHNS  grits  his  teeth.) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Comes  down-stage  to  R.  of  the 
table  L.)  Boggs,  your  master's  voice!  ( JOHNS 
looks  daggers  at  VANDERHOLT)  By  the  way,  of 
course  you  understand — there'll  be  a  nominal  fee 
of  fifty  dollars  for  legal  consultation. 

JOHNS.  (L.  of  the  table  L.,  beside  himself  with 
rage)  What  I  I  won't  pay  it,  you  get  that! 
(Shouts)  I  won't!  What  do  you  and  George 
think  I  am,  a  gold  mine? 

NETTLETON.  (Comes  downstairs  to  c.,  speaks  as 
he  appears)  Why,  Boggs !  (VANDERHOLT  crosses 
to  R.)  How  dare  you  assume  that  attitude  toward 
my  guests?  Remember  your  position.  (Points  to 
L.,  speaks  sternly)  Go  get  those  cocktails.  (Comes 
to  R.  of  the  table  L.) 

JOHNS.  All  right!  (With  spirit)  But  say! 
And  get  out  your  little  red  book.  I'm  going  through 


98  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES* 

with  that  contract,  no  matter  what  you  do  to  me, 
But  in  one  year — if  I'm  still  alive — I'm  going  to 
crawl  all  over  you !  Both  of  you !  Why,  you— — 

(NETTLETON  takes  out  the  red  look;  JOHNS  stops 
short,  coughs,  and  exitst  meekly  L.  I.  NETTLED 
TON  and  VANDERHOLT  laugh.) 

VANDERHOLT.  George — aren't  you  a  little  rough 
on  him  ? 

NETTLETON.  (Airily)  Oh,  no!  One  always 
ha?  trouble  with  one's  servants. 

VANDERHOLT.  Well,  he  has  got  grit !  Come  on, 
now ;  give  the  devil  his  due ! 

NETTLETON.  I  do.  He's  pretty  rank,  I  will  ad- 
mit, but  he  is  a  much  better  butler  than  he  is  a 
businessman.  (Crosses  to  L.) 

VANDERHOLT.  All  right,  it's  not  my  funeral. 
(Crosses  to  table  R.,  picks  up  book)  What's  the 
little  surprise  you  had  for  me  ? 

FLORENCE.  (Appearing  at  the  head  of  the  stairs} 
Oho!  (Calls)  Good-evening,  Mr.  Vanderholt! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Running  to  the  foot  of  the 
stairs)  Why,  Miss  Florence!  (As  she  comes 
down,  shakes  her  hands  and  they  both  come 
down  c. )  This  is  a  pleasure !  When  did  you  get  to 
town? 

FLORENCE.  (Beaming}  Just  came.  And  right 
on  time  for  T's  birthday  party.  (NETTLETON  sings 
and  laughs.  VANDERHOLT  hums  and  goes  R. 
FLORENCE  looks  at  them  in  surprise)  Well,  what 
is  it? 

VANDERHOLT.  (Going  to  FLORENCE.  Speaks  a 
trifle  nervously)  Oh,  nothing — nothing — only — 
(Forced  laugh)  I  was  so  pleasurably  astonished 
at  seeing  you,  that  it  knocked  everything  out  of  my 
head. 

FLORENCE.     Oh,   you   flatterer!      (Goes   a    iew 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  95 

steps  to  NETTLETON)  George!  Is  there  anything  1 
can  put  my  violets  in?  {Goes  to  the  mantel  look- 
ing for  vase) 

NETTLETON.  Why,  certainly — (Up  L.  of  table  L, 
to  the  bell  which  is  R.  of  the  stairs  on  the  wall. 
Rings  same}  I'll  ring  for  the  butler ! 

(VANDERHOLT  and  NETTLETON  signal  each  other 
when  FLORENCE  is  not  looking.} 

FLORENCE.  (As  she  sees  the  vase  on  the  mantel 
L.)  No,  no,  no!  Don't  trouble.  Here's  some- 
thing! (Goes  to  above  the  table  L.  after  getting  the 
vase  from  the  mantel} 

NETTLETON.  (Beating  a  hasty  retreat  up  the 
stairs}  No  trouble  I  assure  you.  In  fact,  it  will  be 
a  pleasure  to  him,  especially  to  him.  Excuse  me— 

(NETTLETON  and  VANDERHOLT  signal  wildly  to  each 
other.  NETTLETON  exits  quickly  up  the  stairs 
and  VANDERHOLT  puts  his  hand  over  hi* 
mouth  to  keep  from  laughing  and  disappears 

R.    I.) 

FLORENCE.  (Hums  a  bit  of  a  late  song,  softly,  as 
she  fills  the  vase  with  vichy  and  puts  the  violets 
in  it.  Crosses  to  the  table  R.,  puts  the  vase  on  same, 
and  stands  admiring  the  effect^  As  JOHNS  enters 
from  L.  i  with  a  tray  upon  which  are  the  two 
cocktails  ordered  by  his  master.  He  reaches  c.  be- 
fore either  is  aware  of  the  presence  of  the  other. 
Both  become  cognizant  of  the  fact  at  the  same  time. 
FLORENCE  turns  quickly.  JOHNS,  with  a  gulp  drops 
the  cocktails  on  the  floor  and  turning  sideways  to 
FLORENCE  attempts  to  hide  his  identity  by  holding 
the  tray,  a  small  one,  over  the  right  side  of  his  face. 
He  stands  shaking  and  breathing  hard.  FLORENCE, 
with  a  startled  scream  rushes  to  JOHNS  and  pulls 
the  tray  away  from  his  -face.  He  bows  his  head  in 


ioo  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

shame)  T!  (Pause  as  she  gazes  wildly  at  him 
unable  to  grasp  it)  T!  What  does  this  mean? 
Those  awful  clothes!  (Sharply,  as  she  wrings  her 
hands)  And  those  horrible  side  whiskers !  (  JOHNS 
makes  a  feeble  attempt  to  cover  the  whiskers) 
Where  have  you  been? 

JOHNS.  (Tries  to  explain;  his  mouth  opens;  he 
makes  the  movements,  but  no  sound  accompanies  it. 
Finally  with  a  desperate  effort  and  nearly  choking, 
he  gets  out  the  words)  Here  for — two  weeks! 
(The  strain  on  JOHNS  is  so  great  that  his  knees 
tremble) 

FLORENCE.  Here?  But  I  heard  that  you  were 
on  a  holiday. 

JOHNS.  (L.  a  step.  Laughs  rather  hysterically) 
Holiday — ha,  ha ! 

FLORENCE.  What?  You  were  neither  away  nor 
at  your  office  and  never  told  me  a  single  thing? 
(Coming  to  him)  Then  tell  me  now. 

JOHNS.  Florence — (He  turns  to  her  impulsively, 
stops,  and  turns  away) 

FLORENCE.  Oh,  T,  what  is  it?  I  haven't  had 
one  line  or  word  and  I've  just  been  waiting — wait- 
ing  

JOHNS.  (Swings  tray  gently  to  and  fro)  So 
have  I ! 

FLORENCE.  (Almost  crying)  But  how — why? 
Darling — tell  me — please ! 

JOHNS.    Florence — I  can't! 

FLORENCE.  (Back  a  step)  You — mean  you 
won't!  (As  he  makes  no  answer)  Then  I'll  find 
out!  (Runs  on  the  stairs — second  step)  George! 
Van!  Where  are  you?  (JOHNS  starts  out  L.  on 
tiptoe.  FLORENCE  turns  and  catches  him.  Calls 
sharply  to  him.  Stamps  foot)  T,  come  back  here ! 
(JOHNS  gives  a  nervous  start  and  stops.  FLORENCE 
goes  to  JOHNS — in  sweetest  tone,  pleads  with  him) 
Darling!  What  can  it  mean?  Is  there  anything 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  101 

you  could  conceal  from  me?  (Comes  to  him,  puts 
hands  on  his  chest)  Don't  you  know  I  love  you — 
with  all  my  heart!  And  I  have  been  worrying  till 
I'm  almost  ill — and  the  moment  George  wrote  me 
asking  me  to  come 

JOHNS.  (Fiercely)  What's  that?  George 
wrote  you — asked  you  here?  (JOHNS  starts  for  the 
stairs  with  doubled  fists)  Oh,  wait  till  I  get  hold 
of  him! 

FLORENCE.  (Intercepting  him.  Catching  his 
coattails,  they  swing  around)  Darling!  Don't! 
Please !  Listen 

JOHNS.  (Coming  down-stage,  fuming)  He  did 
it — on  purpose. 

FLORENCE.  Did  what?  You  tell  me  nothing  and 
I'm  all  upset.  No  answer  to  my  letters — no  an- 
swer, to  me,  the  woman  who  is  to  be  your  wife. 
(Pathetically)  And  I  find  you  here  in  buttons — 
(JOHNS  turns  away,  slightly  to  R.,  and  trys  to  cover 
the  buttons)  and  a  pair  of  unspeakable  monkey 
whiskers — ( JOHNS  puts  his  hand  over  the  whisk- 
ers on  the  right  side  of  his  face.  FLORENCE  rings 
her  hands  wildly,  takes  a  few  steps  R.,  turns  and 
speaks  hopefully)  Oh!  Oh!  It's  a  joke— tell  me 
— isn't  it? 

JOHNS.  (Smiles  bitterly;  shakes  head  sadly) 
A  joke?  No,  Florence — that's  the  worst  guess 
you've  made  yet 

FLORENCE.  (Draws  back  a  step)  Oh,  I  see! 
Then  it's  something  you're  ashamed  of  ? 

JOHNS.  (Turning  resolutely)  No,  I'm  not 
ashamed;  and  if  you'll  only  trust  me — and  wait 
for  me 

FLORENCE.    How  long? 

JOHNS.    Er — eleven  months  and  two  weeks. 

FLORENCE.  (Steps  back)  Eleven  mon —  I  won't! 
I  want  to  know  now!  (He  again  makes  movement 
to  tell  her,  then  makes  helpless  gesture  and  turns 


ice  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

away.  FLORENCE  takes  on  a  more  severe 
Don't  carry  this  thing  too  far;  I  haven't  a  tempef 
for  nothing!  (Tearfully)  And  if  you're  trying 
wilfully  to  make  me  angry  or  humiliated 

JOHNS.       (Anguish    in    his    voice}      Florence! 

FLORENCE.  (Relenting}  No,  no,  no,  forgive 
me!  I've  been  so  happy,  loving  you,  and  trusting 
you.  Won't  you  trust  me — and  tell  me  everything? 

JOHNS.  (With  determination)  Will  I?  (Puts 
the  tray  under  his  arm,  takes  a  long  breath,  and 
makes  great  preparation  to  tell  her.  Motions  her 
to  come  to  his  side,  then  puts  \is  arms  out  to  de- 
scribe it)  I  came  into  this  house — (FLORENCE 
leans  against  him;  nods  at  him  to  qo  on)  The  con- 
ditions were — (Pauses.  FLORENCE  urges  him  on. 
He  takes  another  breath)  Whereby — (Another 
breath)  Inasmuch  as — (At  this  point  JOHNS  goes 
to  pieces;  his  courage  leaves  entirely;  he  shakes 
his  head  miserably  and  in  a  broken  voice  speaks  to 
FLORENCE)  I  can't!  (JOHNS  turns  away  from 
FLORENCE  and  hangs  his  head) 

FLORENCE,  (Furiously;  draws  back  from  him) 
Very  well,  Mr.  Johns,  since  you've  brought  it  on 
yourself,  there's  but  one  thing  to  do — (Turns  from 
him — speaks  aside)  As  hard  as  it  is  to  do  it. 
(Bites  her  lips,  takes  off  the  ring,  goes  to  hims 
holds  it  out  for  him  to  take.  As  JOHNS  does  not 
take  it,  she  gently  raises  his  arm;  he  opens  his  hand; 
FLORENCE  reluctantly  places  the  ring  in  it)  I  don't 
want  it;  take  it!  I  don't  want  it,  I  don't — (She 
half  holds  out  her  hand  -;c  take  the  ring  back,  when 
JOHNS  closes  his  hand.  FLORENCE  begins  to  cry) 
want  it,  I  don't  want  it !  (Runs  and  jumps  in  the 
big  armchair  R.  of  the  table  .;.,  lands  on  her  knees 
in  the  chair  on  the  last  ivord,  with  her  back  to  the 
audience) 

JOHNS.  (Heartbroken)  Thank  you.  (Goes  to 
the  door  L.  i.  turns  and  holds  out  ring)  This  is  tl* 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  103 

first  little  thing  of  actual  value — that  has  come  my 
way — for  two  whole  weeks.  (Holds  out  the  tray, 
places  the  ring  on  it,  and  exits  L.  i) 

FLORENCE.  (Rises  quickly  as  JOHNS  exits. 
Tearfully)  Oh,  it  can't  be  true!  It  can't!  It's 
too  impossible!  (Runs  to  the  door  L.  i)  T  dar- 
ling— T,  I  didn't  mean  it;  won't  you  please  come 
back?  (Door  opens  and  FLORENCE  steps  up-stage 
a  bit  and  JOHNS  enters  with  dustpan  and  whisk- 
broom;  marches  to  c.,  sweeps  up  the  broken  cock' 
tail  glasses,  then  marches  out.  Exits  L.  i,  light 
door  slam)  For  the  love  of  Mike!  (Angrily) 
Oh!  How  perfectly  disgusting!  (She  runs  up  to 
the  first  landing  on  stairs  and  calls)  George! 
George  Nettleton — you  come  down  here  at  once! 
(NETTLETON  enters,  followed  by  MRS.  NETTLETON 
by  way  of  the  stairs.  FLORENCE  goes  to  front  of 
the  table  R.,  then  back  to  c.)  Now,  George — and 
you  too,  Nellie,  I  want  to  know  what  this  means ! 

NETTLETON.  (Goes  to  L.  of  the  table  R.  MRS. 
NETTLETON  goes  down-stage  L.  of  the  table  L  to 
front  of  same)  Goodness !  Why  the  excitement — 
what — what  means? 

FLORENCE.  (Furiously)  There's  no  use  trying 
to  evade  me.  Sit  down — (NETTLETON  sits.  MRS. 
NETTLETON  remains  standing.  Sharply)  Both  of 
you ! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Elevating  her  eyebrows) 
And  in  my  house ! 

FLORENCE.  (Raising  her  voice)  Sit  down! 
(MRS.  NETTLETON  does  so)  Now!  Why  is  it  I 
find  one  of  my  personal  friends — as  butler  in  your 
household?  (She  looks  from  one  to  the  other) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Enters  from  the  library  R.  I 
and  crosses  above  the  table  R.  to  FLORENCE)  Miss 
Florence,  if  you'll  permit  an  outsider  to — er 

FLORENCE.  (Looking  at  him  coldly)  Never 
mind,  Mr.  Vanderholt.  Will  you  please  sit  down, 
too? 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

VANDERHOLT.  (Taken  by  surprise}  Oh — ha,  ha 
— yes — certainly — with  pleasure!  (Goes  back  of 
the  table  R.  to  R.  of  same.  In  innocent  voice  to 
NETTLETON,  with  a  note  of  appeal  in  it)  What'? 
the  trouble,  George?  (Sits  R.  of  the  table} 

FLORENCE.  (Sharply)  Mm!  Another  Mr.  In- 
nocence !  Now,  George  Nettleton,  I  want  my  ques- 
tion answered. 

NETTLETON.  (Nervously)  Well,  Florence,  I'd 
like  to — really — but  to  tell  you  the  truth,  there  i» 
only  one  person  I  know  of — who  can  afford  to  an- 
swer. 

FLORENCE.  You  mean  T — (Bites  her  Up  and  cor- 
rects herself)  Mr.  Johns?  (NETTLETON  nods) 
I've  asked  him ! 

NETTLETON.  (Springs  from  his  seat;  shouts) 
What?  He  told  you? 

FLORENCE.     (Sharply)     No,  he  didn't! 

NETTLETON.  (Disappointed  tone)  Oh,  what  a 
pity!  (Flops  into  his  seat,  rests  his  elbow  on  the 
table,  and  his  head  on  his  hand) 

FLORENCE.  But — you  seem  to  lose  sight  of  the 
fact — all  three  of  you — of  the  most  important 
point.  As  for  Mr.  Johns,  he  means  nothing  to  me — • 
abso-lutely  nothing!  I'm  demanding  this  explan- 
ation not  on  his  account,  but  mine! 

NETTLETON.  (Goes  quickly  to  FLORENCE,  MRS. 
NETTLETON  following  his  example;  all  three  speak 
together  until  JOHNS  enters)  Well,  Florence,  in 
that  case — if  you  are  not  personally  interested  in 
T,  what  difference  does  it  make  whether  he  is  a 
butler  or  not  ? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Just  don't  worry  about  k, 
dear;  everything  will  all  come  out  all  right  and  as 
soon  as  I  can  tell  you  I  will. 

FLORENCE.  I  don't  care!  There's  something 
wrong  about  it  and  I  tell  you  I'm  going  to  find  out 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  105 

(All  stop  quickly  as  JOHNS  enters  L.  I  with  a  tray 
of  cocktails  (four}.  He  holds  the  tray  out  to 
MRS.  NETTLETON,  who  takes  two,  gives  one  to 
FLORENCE.  NETTLETON  reaches  for  one  and 
JOHNS  lowers  the  tray  slightly  and  NETTLETON 
grabs  the  air.  JOHNS  walks  to  VANDERHOLT, 
who  takes  a  cocktail) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Laughing)  Thank  you,  T! 
'(JOHNS  goes  up  R.,  then  back  of  the  table  R.  to 
NETTLETON,  on  whom  he  jabs  in  the  small  of  the 
back  with  the  tray  as  he  is  looking  back  at  the 
laughing  VANDERHOLT.  NETTLETON  refuses  the 
cocktail.  Laughs)  Better  take  one,  George;  you 
need  it.  (NETTLETON  takes  one.  All  look  at  JOHNS 
as  he  exits  solemly  L.  i.  MRS.  NETTLETON  goes  to 
front  of  the  settee  L.)  Well,  here's  to  the  ladies! 
(Rises  and  holds  up  his  glass.  7W  one  drinks') 
What's  the  matter,  George  ?  Aren't  you  indulging  ? 

NETTLETON.  (Smelling  the  cocktail  and  putting 
it  on  the  table  R.)  Not  that  one.  I  don't  like  the 
looks  of  it.  (VANDERHOLT  laughs'} 

FLORENCE.  (Puts  her  cocktail  on  the  table  L.) 
Now,  if  you  please,  we'll  continue.  (All  sit  at  the 
same  time,  except  FLORENCE.  NETTLETON  L.  of 
the  table  R.  MRS.  NETTLETON  on  the  settee.  VAN- 
DERHOLT R.  of  the  table  R.)  I  was  about  to  say  that 
not  one  of  you  seems  to  realize  this  insult  to  me. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.     (Rising)    Insult? 

VANDERHOLT.     (Rising)    To  you? 

NETTLETON.  (Rising.  All  three  must  rise  at  the 
same  time  and  the  same  speed)  How? 

FLORENCE.  (Sharply,  as  she  stamps  her  foot) 
Sit  down!  (All  sit  at  the  same  time  and  with  the 
same  speed)  By  inviting  me  here,  both  you  and 
Nellie,  for  the  sole  purpose  of  seeing  me  mortified 
»—and  shamed ! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.     (.In  a  pathetic  injured  tone) 


io6  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

Why,  darling,  how  unjust  you  are!  I  didn't  ask 
you ;  my  husband  did ! 

FLORENCE.  (Steps  to  her)  No?  And  not  half 
an  hour  ago,  to  quote  your  own  exact  words,  you 
had  just  been  longing  for  me — from  the  very  first 
minute  you  asked  dear  old  George  to  write  me. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Trying  to  cover — rises, 
whimpers')  George!  (NETTLETON  jumps  up  nerv- 
ously) Take  the  horrid  thing!  (Holds  out  the 
cocktail  glass)  I've  spilt  it  all  over  my  new  dress ! 

(NETTLETON  runs  to  her,  gets  the  cocktail,  and 
places  it  on  the  table  R.     Sits.) 

FLORENCE.    I'm  glad  you  did ! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Stamps  her  foot.  Sits 
settee) 

FLORENCE.  I'm  also  glad  that  I  haven't  broken 
bread  under  this  hateful  roof !  And  now,  George 
Nettleton,  I'm  going  to  a  hotel.  (A  step  or  two  to 
NETTLETON,  then  up  to  the  first  landing  on  the 
steps) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Goes  up  R.,  then  to  the  steps) 
One  minute,  Miss  Florence,  if  you'd  only 

FLORENCE.  (On  the  first  landing,  points  finger 
at  him)  Never  mind,  Mr.  Vanderholt,  from  your 
look  of  cherubic  innocence,  I  think  you  are  in  this, 
too. 

VANDERHOLT.  (Expostulating)  I?  Oh,  come 
now,  Miss  Florence,  it's  hardly  fair  to  put  the  whole 
blame  on  me!  (Glances  at  GEORGE) 

NETTLETON.  (Rises)  ,  No,  and  it  isn't  fair  to 
put  it  all  on  me!  (Glances  at  MRS.  NETTLETON) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Rises,  goes  few  steps  to  c.) 
And  what  have  I  to  do  with  it — nothing — nothing ! 
(Addresses  NETTLETON)  And  to  prove  it,  I  have 
a  great  mind  to  tell  her  the  whole  thing!  (Starts 
up  to  FLORENCE) 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  107 

NETTLETON.  (Runs  to  her  quickly)  Nellie,  for 
the  Lord's  sake,  don't!  (Takes  her  down  to  the 
settee — puts  his  hand  over  her  mouth,  and  she  bites 
him  and  then  sits  on  settee)  Ouch!  (Holds  hand 
tenderly  and  goes  down  L.) 

(As  VANDERHOLT  laughs  FLORENCE  stops  him.) 

FLORENCE.  That  will  do,  Mr.  Vanderholt!  It's 
no  laughing  matter.  That  applies  to  all  of  you.  I 
may  not  have  a  vote,  but  before  I  get  through  with 
this  affair  somebody  is  going  to  wish  that  I  was 
wearing  breeches.  (Exits  up  the  stairs) 

NETTLETON.  Weough !  Now  what  are  we  going 
to  do  ?  (  To  VANDERHOLT)  It's  up  to  you,  Van ! 
Get  at  it! 

VANDERHOLT.  (In  astonishment  as  he  comes  to 
c.)  Me?  Why  me? 

NETTLETON.  Why  not?  You  appointed  your- 
self as  referee — with  power  to  settle  all  questions 
of  dispute.  This  is  a  question  of  dispute.  (Does 
VANDERHOLT  business  with  the  cuffs)  What  are 
you  going  to  do  about  it  ? 

VANDERHOLT.  Oh !  Now,  naturally,  this  case  is 
going  to  call  for  some  pretty  nice  diplomatic  work. 
Of  course,  you  understand,  there's  be  a  nominal 
legal  fee,  but 

NETTLETON.  (Excitedly)  Oh,  to  hell  with  the 
fee! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.    George! 

NETTLETON.  I  beg  your  pardon,  my  dear.  (Goes 
to  VANDERHOLT  c.)  Go  on,  go  on. 

VANDERHOLT.  Thank  you.  Therefore,  I  sug- 
gest, that  you  first  take  your  wife  off  anywhere  and 
leave  me  here  to  tackle  Florence  when  she  comes 
downstairs. 

NETTLETON.  Will  you?  (Grasping  his  hand) 
You  good  old  Van ! 


io8  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Beginning  to  weep)  No 
one  ever  seems  to  consider  me — no  one!  (Sobs; 
uses  handkerchief) 

NETTLETON.  (Turning  to  her)  But,  my  darling 
child,  that's  just  what  we  are  considering.  (Goes 
to  MRS.  NETTLETON.  VANDERHOLT  goes  up  to  the 
window)  Now  come  on,  sweetheart,  go  right  up- 
stairs, and  lie  down — 

(MRS.  NETTLETON  rises  and  NETTLETON  fakes  her. 
up  to  the  stairs. ) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (As  she  is  about  on  the 
stairs;  stops  suddenly)  What!  Where  she  is! 
No,  no ! 

NETTLETON.  (Takes  her  quickly  to  R.)  All 
right,  dear;  all  rightt.  Well  go  into  the  library; 
come  on,  darling,  come  on! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (As  she  nears  the  door  R., 
stops.  Weeps)  I  don't  want  to  go  into  the  library. 
I  want  to  go  into  the  kitcthen.  (NETTLETON  takes 
her  L.  a  few  steps  and  she  changes  her  mind  once 
again)  Because  I  know  the  dinner  is  burnt  to  a 
horrible  black  crisp. 

NETTLETON.  (Takes  her  swiftly  to  R.  i.  She 
exits  weeping.  NETTLETON  stops  in  the  door; 
raises  his  eyes  to  heaven)  Why  go  to  Germany? 
(Exits) 

VANDERHOLT.  (As  FLORENCE  comes  down  the 
stairs  with  her  hat  on  and  her  satchel  in  her  hand) 
Florence!  One  minute,  please!  (Stops  her  c.) 

FLORENCE.  (  With  the  hat  on  one  side.  Looks  at 
him)  Well,  what  is  it? 

VANDERHOLT.  First,  upon  my  sacred  word  of 
honor,  I  never  knew  you  were  here,  or  coming  here, 
until  I  saw  you — do  you  believe  me  ? 

FLORENCE.  If  you  say  so,  yes.  (Crosses  to  front 
of  the  stttee^i 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  109 

VANDERHOLT.  (Beaming  again)  Thank  you. 
Now,  as  to  both  George  and  Nellie 

FLORENCE.  Wait!  What  is  your  interest  in  this 
affair  ? 

VANDERHOLT.  Purely  friendly — diplomatic— 
but  principally  you!  (Starts  quickly  to  FLORENCE) 
Of  course,  you  know,  my  dear  Florence 

FLORENCE.  (Checking  him)  Have  I  given  you 
the  right  to  call  me  your  dear  Florence  ? 

VANDERHOLT.  (Taken  aback)  Well,  no;  but— 
but  I'm  asking  for  the  right.  I'm 

FLORENCE.     (Coldly)     And  why  at  such  a  time? 

VANDERHOLT.  I — I  didn't  intend  to — only— er— 
well,  you  rather  forced  my  hand.  (As  she  looks 
at  him  sharply)  Oh!  I  didn't  mean  it  that  way, 
but — but  you  see  Miss  Florence  I  have  a  purely 
legal  mind,  and 

FLORENCE.  Very  well,  well  put  it  on  a  purely 
legal  basis.  (Flops  on  settee)  Now  then,  you  are 
asking  for  a  certain  right.  In  other  words,  you 
want  to  marry  me.  (As  VANDERHOLT  steps  back 
and  gasps)  A  hearing  for  the  plea  is  granted.  Go 
on. 

VANDERHOLT.  (Laughing  nervously)  Thank 
you — I  will.  Only  you — well,  you  do  have  a  way 
of  taking  the  wind  out  of  a  fellow's  sails. 

FLORENCE.  (Waves  her  hand)  Then  paddle. 
You  delay  proceedings ! 

VANDERHOLT.  All  right,  I  suppose  I've  got  to. 
As  I  er — intimated  before  I — I  had  no  intention  of 
making  love  to  you — that  is — to-day,  but  since  you 
bring  the  subject  up  yourself — (As  she  registers) 
I — mean — I — would  like  some  sort  of  an  answer. 

FLORENCE.  Very  well ;  I'll  give  it.  (As  he  steps 
towards  her)  But  first  I  want  to  ask  a  legal  ques- 
tion. 

VANDERHOLT.    Yes  ? 

FFORENCE.     (Beckons,;  he  sits  beside  her)     Do 


I  io  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

you  think  it  just  or  reasonable  for  two  young  peo- 
ple— such  as  you  and  I — to  start  out  on  their 
married  life  with — with  a  secret  holding  them 
apart  ? 

VANDERHOLT.  (Steals  his  arm  about  her)  Well 
—no — they  shouldn't. 

FLORENCE.    Good!    Then — why  is  T  a  butler? 

VANDERHOLT.  (Rises  quickly,  backs  away  to 
center,  holds^  hands  out  as  if  to  ward  FLORENCE 
off.  Laughingly)  Oh!  No,  no.  Come  now, 
Miss  Florence,  that  isn't  exactly  fair.  It  isn't  pro- 
fessional for  a  lawyer  in  a  case  to — well — (Sud- 
denly realizes  his  mistake  and  trys  to  stop  him- 
self) 

FLORENCE.  (With  a  little  cry)  Ah!  So  you 
were  in  it!  (VANDERHOLT  slaps  his  hands  together 
in  anger  at  himself  and  goes  to  R.)  Good  again! 
But  since  you,  too,  refuse  to  tell  me — (Rises  and 
goes  to  center)  My  answer  is 

VANDERHOLT.  (Imploringly;  goes  to  her) 
Hold  on!  Don't  (Nervously)  Of  course,  if  you 
put  it  that  way,  I  have  no  choice  but  to  throw  my- 
self on  the  mercy  of  the  court.  (VANDERHOLT 
crosses  back  of  FLORENCE,  up  to  the  stairs,  looks 
up,  then  comes  aown  center,  looks  L.,  as  FLORENCE 
goes  a  few  steps  R.,  looks  to  see  no  one  is  there, 
then  back  to  center  R.  of  VANDERHOLT.  VANDER- 
HOLT speaks  in  a  loud  whisper,  excitedly)  Briefly 
it  was  this :  George  and  T  just  couldn't  get  on  in 
business  and  fought  like  cats  and  dogs.  Each 
claimed  that  the  other  was  only  fit  for  a  servant 
and — there  you  are! 

FLORENCE.     (Pulls  his  sleeve)    Yes — what  else? 

VANDERHOLT.  As  a  friend  of  octh  I  tried  to 
save  them  the  scandal  of  a  law  suit  and— and  so 
they  signed  an  agreement — for  one  year — and 
played  a  hand  of  showdown  to  see  who'd  be  th« 
servant J 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  ill 

FLORENCE.    And  why  didn't  George  tell  me  that  ? 

VANDERHOLT.  Because  by  telling  any  one — he'd 
lose  five  thousand,  cash. 

FLORENCE.  (Pretending  gayety,  to  further  en- 
trap VANDERHOLT.  Laughing)  Oh,  I  see!  But  it 
was  funny!  (Both  laugh)  And  you  suggested  the 
idea — (VANDERHOLT  swells  up — nods  delightedly) 
How  clever  of  you,  Van! 

(VANDERHOLT  and  FLORENCE  laugh  heartily.) 

VANDERHOLT.  (More  than  pleased  with  FLOR- 
ENCE'S approval.  Straightens  up  and  in  a  depre- 
ciative  tone,  to  appear  modest,  as  he  struts  down 
L.)  Oh,  I  don't  know.  At  least  it  was  a  solution 
of  the  problem ! 

FLORENCE.  (As  VANDERHOLT  laughs  with  her 
and  she  at  him)  A  perfectly  delightful  one! 
(They  laugh)  Of  course  you  drew  up  the  agree- 
ment? 

VANDERHOLT.  I  did,  indeed — (Enthusiastically) 
And  I  tell  you,  Florence,  I  sewed  it  up  with  twine ! 
(Goes  through  the  motions  of  sewing.  Walks  down 
L.  and  back  to  FLORENCE) 

FLORENCE.  (Glares  at  him  when  he  turns  his 
back  but  greets  him  laughingly  as  he  turns)  No 
doubt  you  did !  Then  too  you  dealt  the  cards  ? 

VANDERHOLT.  (Few  steps  to  her.  Chuckling 
and  rubbing  his  hands)  Um — hum!  George  won 
on  a  pair  of  sixes.  (Laughs.  FLORENCE  goes  to  the 
table  R.,  laughs  with  him)  But  now  that  you  do 
know,  Florence — (Goes  to  her) 

FLORENCE.  (Suddenly  becoming  sober  and  freez- 
ing VANDERHOLT  with  a  look)  I'll  give  my  answer. 
(Sits  L.  of  the  table  R.,  looks  front.  Determinedly) 
I  wouldn't  marry  you — if  you  were  the  last  lone 
man  on  the  face  of  the  earth  and — I  was  fifty-five 
years  old! 


H2  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

VANDERHOLT.  (Steps  back  a  step — pleadingly) 
Florence ! 

FLORENCE.  That's  all.  (Rises;  faces  him)  No, 
not  one  word !  (Points  finger  at  him)  The  crim- 
inal premeditation — was  yours!  (Coldly)  And 
now,  my  legal-minded  friend,  your  case  is  dismissed 
— with  costs. 

VANDERHOLT.  (As  he  goes  to  the  stairs)  Not 
quite,  your  honor.  (Turns  on  the  first  landing) 
No  lawyer  or  lover  should  admit  defeat  until  after 
the  appeal. 

FLORENCE.    No — why  not? 

(JOHNS  enters  L.  I ;  puts  book  on  the  table  L.) 

VANDERHOLT.  For  further  information,  please 
apply  to  Mr.  T  Boggs  Johns,  the  man  who  couldn't 
beat  a  pair  of  sixes !  (Exits  up  the  steps,  laughing 
at  JOHNS) 

FLORENCE.  Come  here,  T;  I  want  to  tell  you 
something. 

JOHNS.  (Advancing  impulsively  to  c.)  And  / 
want  to  speak  to  you!  Florence — I'm  going  to  tell 
you  everything — if  it  means  my  last  cent  on  earth — 
my  one  last  crumb  of  bread — I'm  here  because • 

FLORENCE.  (Puts  hand  lightly  over  his  mouth) 
No,  no,  no!  Don't — it's  too  expensive!  (Slyly) 
Besides,  I've  found  out ! 

JOHNS.     (Hopefully)     Did  George  tell  you? 

FLORENCE.  No —  you  haven't  won  five  thousand 
—yet! 

JOHNS.  (Drags  himself  to  L.  of  the  table  R. 
Sits)  Oh !  I  thought  maybe  my  luck  had  turned ! 

FLORENCE.  (Going  to  him)  It  won't — until  you 
turn  it.  Why  do  you  submit  to  this  ? 

JOHNS.  Submit?  I  guess  you  haven't  read  that 
contract. 

FLORENCE.      (Spiritedly)      Hang   the    contract  I 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  113 

(JOHNS  looks  at  her,  sighs  and  shakes  head  a* 
FLORENCE  hurries  on)  The  stronger  it  is  the  better 
I  like  it.  It  runs  for  a  year,  doesn't  it  ? 

JOHNS.  (Gazes  into  space..  In  dispirited  tone} 
Yes,  for  one  whole  year ! 

FLORENCE.  (Simply  bursting  with  enthusiasm  at 
her  idea)  Oh,  T,  brace  up  and  be  a  man!  (Puts 
hands  on  JOHNS'  shoulders)  To  my  mind;  the 
word  man  is  better  than  the  word  master.  Why 
don't  you  turn  the  tables  on  him  ? 

JOHNS.  (Does  not  get  the  idea.  Blankly)  Turn 
"em  on  George — how? 

FLORENCE.  (Impatiently)  What's  his  weakest 
point? 

JOHNS.  (Looks  at  her  miserably.  Speaks  in  a 
weak  voice)  I  don't  know. 

FLORENCE.  (Beats  time  with  her  finger  as  she 
speaks)  What's — any — poor — married  idiot's — 
weakerst — point? 

JOHNS.  (Shakes  his  head)  I  don't  know — I 
don't — (Suddenly)  His  wife? 

FLORENCE.  (Laughs  approvingly)  Of  course—- 
his wife.  (Earnestly  and  with  speed)  That's 
where  you've  got  to  hit  him — hard!  As  long  as  you 
are  miserable,  he's  happy.  Make  him  UNHAPPY. 
Serve  him  and  serve  him  well — with  energy  and 
diligence!  But  always  with  a  smile.  And  George 
will  wonder  why.  Keep  close  to  Nellie.  (JOHNS 
smiles)  But  not  too  close — (Runs  swiftly  to 
JOHNS,  sits  on  his  knee  and  zvraps  arms  about  him. 
JOHNS  hugs  her  and  shakes  his  head)  mind  you, 
for  I'll  be  looking  on.  But  hit  him,  T,  and  hit  him 
where  he  lives.  He  wants  you  to  break  the  con- 
tract. (Rises,  goes  to  c.,  faces  him)  Make  him 
break  it !  Do  you  get  me  ? 

JOHNS.     (Grinning)     Yes,  I  do! 

FLORENCE.  Then  go  to  it  and — get  him — Inft 
don't  forget  tosmile ! 


114  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

JOHNS.     (Opens  his  arms')    Florence,  my  queen! 

^FLORENCE  runs  to  him,  they  kiss  three  times, 
FLORENCE  on  his  knee.  CODDLES  enters  from 
L.  i,  takes  in  the  situation,  and  emits  a  scream 
which  grows,  and  she  makes  her  way  to  right 
stage.  FLORENCE  laughs  and  runs  up  on  the 
first  landing.  NETTLETON  runs  on  from  R., 
bumps  into  the  screaming  CODDLES,  who  exits 
R.  MRS.  NETTLETON  follows  NETTLETON  and 
stands  R.  stage.  VANDERHOLT  runs  down  the 
stairs  as  CODDLES  enters  from  L.  and  goes  down- 
stage L.  of  the  table  L.  to  front  of  same.  JOHNS 
laughs  loudly,  and  drinks  cocktails  as  he 
laughs.) 

NETTLETON.  Boggs,  what  have  you  done  to  Cod« 
dies? 

JOHNS.  Coddles?  (Leans  back  in  the  chair. 
Laughs  uproariously") 

NETTLETON.  (Getting  out  the  little  red  book) 
Stop  that !  Do  you  hear  me — what  the  devil  does  it 
mean? 

JOHNS.  (Puts  his  feet  on  the  table,  laughing) 
Say,  George;  just  charge  me  up  with  another  hun- 
dred, will  you  ?  I  can't  tell  you  why,  but  it's  worth 
it!  (Starts  to  drink  the  cocktail) 

NETTLETON.  (Makes  note  in  book)  He's 
drunk!  Van,  make  a  legal  note  of  that!  He's 
drunk! 

CURTAIN. 
'(Ring  on  "Ifs  worth  it"— Calls  fast.) 

(jSecond  Curtain — JOHNS  still  laughing  and  almost 
out  of  his  seat.) 

(Third  Curtain — Company. 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  115 

(Fourth  Curtain — MRS.  NETTLETON.) 
(Fifth  Curtain — MR.  VANDERHOLT.) 

(  Sixth  Curtain — CODDLES.  ) 

(Seventh  Curtain — FLORENCE.) 

(Eighth  Curtain — JOHNS  and  NETTLETON.) 

(Hold  the  curtain  until  after  the  partners  bow—* 
they  make  faces  at  each  other — Ring.) 

ACT  III. 

SCENE  : — The  same  as  Second  Act. 

TIME: — A  week  later.    Evening. 

MUSIC  AT  RISE : — "  Somebody  else  is  getting  it." 

JOHNS.  (Enters  at  rise  from  L.  i  with  tray  of 
tea  things,  takes  them  to  small  table  R.,  carries  the 
duster  under  his  left  arm.  JOHNS  takes  up  the  song 
"  Somebody  else  is  getting  it "  where  the  orchestra 
leaves  off  and  does  a  dance  step  as  he  crosses  stage. 
Trips  lightly  to  the  table  R.,  dusts  a  chair,  and  goes 
to  table  L.,  dusts  the  'phone,  takes  the  receiver  off 
the  hook,  dusts.  Speaks  into  the  'phone,  holds  re- 
ceiver to  ear,  left  hand)  Hello!  What's  that? 
Oh,  no,  just  dusting  the  'phone,  sweetheart;  that's 
all,  good-bye.  (One  step  to  the  frame  cards  on  the 
table  *.,  dusts,  sings" Somebody  else")  Ah!  Two 
little  sixes  and  a  torn  queen. 

CODDLES.  (CODDLES  comes  down  the  stairs  with 
dustcloth,  puzzled  to  see  JOHNS  in  a  good  humor) 
Mr.  Boggs,  sir! 

JOHNS.  (Laughs)  Ah!  Hello,  Coddles,  are 
'you  there  ? 


Ii6  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

CODDLES.  (Comes  to  the  table  L.)  Ho,  Mr. 
JJoggs,  sir,  wot  makes  you  so  hawf ul  'appy  ? 

JOHNS.  (Goes  few  steps  to  CODDLES)  I — happy, 
fun  I?  (Smiles  at  CODDLES,  twirls  duster) 

CODDLES.  (Coyly)  Ho,  yes,  sir,  hit's  just  been 
growin'  hon  you  for  the  larst  'ole  week.  (Clasps 
hands,  advances  a  step  to  JOHNS)  Hit  hain't  on 
my  account,  now  his  it? 

JOHNS.  (Lightly)  Coddles,  to  be  honest,  we 
piust  oft  be  cruel.  It  is  not  on  your  account. 

CODDLES.     (Disappointedly)     No?    Wot  then? 

JOHNS.  Sh-h-h!  (Glancing  about  and  speaking 
mysteriously)  It's  because— I  have  arrived! 
(Strikes  pose) 

CODDLES.     (Blankly)     Harrived,  sir?     Where? 

JOHNS.  Here!  I  have  never  realized  till  now 
the  joy  of  being  out  in  service.  To  watch!  Antici- 
pate an  every  yish.  (Bowing')  To  serve!  (As 
CODDLES  watches  him,  stepping  back  slowly)  Love, 
fortune,  marriage  ?  Bah !  I  only  ask  a  serviceable 
feather  duster — and  a  good,  kind,  loving  master. 

CODDLES.  (In  amazement)  The  marster,  sir? 
Hour  marster?  Ho,  Lud!  I  thought  you  was 
a-callin'  'im  a  ragin'  Haf  rican  'iena ! 

JOHNS.  (Does  dance  step  to  c.)  Oh,  Coddles! 
You  are  dreaming;  he's  a  dove!  There's  nothing 
that  man  wouldn't  do  for  me — if  he  had  the  chance. 
Why,  only  yesterday,  when  he  threw  the  inkwell,  he 
did  it  so  gently  that  it  only  broke  the  skin — (  COD- 
DLES blinks  at  him)  and  if  I  could  only  acquire  your 
delicious  Hinglish  haccent,  I  believe  it  would  please 
the  marster  varstly.  (Hums  "  Somebody  else  is  get' 
ting  it,"  dances  to  the  door  R.  I,  dusts  same,  then  the 
door  u.  R.,  then  goes  to  the  window,  stabs  one  of  the 
flowers  three  times') 

CODDLES.  (Drops  down  L.  c.,  turns  back  to  the 
httuse,  watches  JOHNS;  frightened;  puts  one  hand 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  117 

to  mouth,  catches  her  apron  with  the  other,  the  third 
time  JOHNS  stabs  the  flower  CODDLES  turns  to  the 
audience  and  addresses  them  in  sorrowful  tone) 
Ah,  the  poor  nut.  'E's  gone  dippy  in  the  'ead! 
(Goes  up  L.  c.)  Hexcuse  me,  sir,  but  I  know  of  a 
doctor,  wot  comes  to  see  me  for  the  cramps;  'e's 
hawful  good,  sir;  han'  hinexpensive,  too.  Han'  hif 
you  would  only  let  him  see  you,  sir,  per'aps  Je  might 
save  you  from  a  spell. 

JOHNS.  (Creeps  to  CODDLES  with  a  look  that 
causes  CODDLES  to  tremble  at  the  knees)  Ha,  ha! 
Now,  Codlums,  don't !  ( Twirls^  the  duster,  tickles 
her  face,  and  feet.  CODDLES  jumps,  laughs,  half 
pleased,  and  frightened) 

CODDLES.  (Laughing)  Ho,  stop  hit,  sir!  Now 
stop.  (Giggling)  W'y,  Mr.  Boggs,  w'en  you  gets 
to  cuttin'  up  that  way — it — {Giggles  and  shakes 
her  apron  at  him) 

JOHNS.  (In  mock  tragic  voice,  as  he  grasps  her 
by  the  wrist  and  takes  her  a  step  down  c.) 
Woman!  Have  a  care!  (CODDLES  stops  laughing 
and  looks  frightened.  JOHNS  continuest  lightly) 
Remember,  there  are  dinner  guests  this  evening. 
Reserve  your  emotions  for  the  privilege  of  passing 
in  the  plates.  (Dusts  CODDLES'  fingers  with  the 
duster,  prances  to  R.  around  the  table  R.  back  to  c.) 

CODDLES.  (Retreats  a  few  steps  in  the  direction 
of  the  door  L.  i,  looking  at  JOHNS  in  terror)  Yes, 
sir,  'e's  comin'  this  evening,  sir. 

JOHNS.  (Opens  his  eyes  wide,  grins  ferociously^ 
tiptoes  towards  her  in  a  menacing  manner,  pokes 
the  duster  at  her)  Who? 

CODDLES.  (Now  thoroughly  frightened,  edges 
tozvard  the  door  L.  I,  watching  JOHNS'  every  move. 
Her  voice  shakes)  The  doctor,  sir.  Hi'll  take  the 
liberty  of  speaking  to  him,  yes,  sir.  (As  JoHNfl 
laughs  idiotically  and  runs  at  her  with  the  duster,  sh 
*  an*  *uns  out  L.  i) 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

JOHNS.  (Laughing  uproariously)  So  much  fo> 
Cloeopatra ! 

FLORENCE.  (Appearing  at  the  window,  calls) 
Oho — oho!  (As  JOHNS  turns,  sees  her  and  runs 
up  to  the  window)  Sh-h-h!  (They  kiss  through 
the  window — FLORENCE  speaks  in  a  whisper)  Be 
careful,  T — where's  Nellie? 

JOHNS.     (In  loud  whisper)    Upstairs — dressing! 

FLORENCE.  Good!  (She  leaves  the  window, 
JOHNS  opens  the  door  and  FLORENCE  enters  u.  R.  ; 
she  goes  down  R.  of  the  table  R.  to  front  of  same. 
JOHNS  goes  R.  c.)  She's  getting  repentant.  Invited 
me  over  to  dinner.  Well,  how's  it  working.  la 
George  falling  for  it? 

JOHNS.  (Grinning)  He  loathes  me!  But  say, 
I'm  making  an  awful  hit  with  Coddles. 

FLORENCE.  (Smiles)  Yes;  but  I'm  afraid  I'm 
not!  Dreamed  last  night  she  was  after  me — with 
one  of  these — er — scalloped-edged  bread  knives. 
(Laughs  as  she  comes  to  him)  Here !  I've  got  a 
little  present  for  you.  (Holds  out  small  package  to 
him) 

JOHNS.  (Backs  away,  holds  out  his  hands  to 
ward  her  off,  shakes  finger  playfully  at  her)  No, 
no — that's  how  I  got  this  one.  (Holds  up  the 
duster — laughs) 

FLORENCE.  Yes,  but  open  it,  please.  (JOHNS 
opens  the  package  disclosing  an  atomizer  and  looks 
at  her  inquiringly)  Smell  it.  QOHNS  does  so, 
then  FLORENCE  whispers  to  him) 

JOHNS.  (Smiles)  Oh,  but  Florence,  that's  so 
old. 

FLORENCE.  Wait  until  you  see  how  wonderfully 
it  works.  Here  is  something  else.  (Hands  JOHNS 
the  veil,  then  whispers  to  him.  Both  of  them 
laugh  heartily) 

JOHNS.    Poor  George ! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.     (From  off-stage)    T!    T! 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  ng 

JOHNS.  (To  FLORENCE)  Sh-h-h!  Look  out! 
(Calls  upstairs,  puts  the  veil  and  the  atomizer  in 
his  pockets}  Yes,  Nellie !  I'm  here. 

(FLORENCE  runs  to  R.  JOHNS  motions  her  to  go  the 
other  way;  she  runs  to  L.,  JOHNS  keeping  one 
eye  on  the  stairs,  motions  her  to  go  behind  the 
screen — she  does  so.} 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Comes  downstairs  dressed 
for  dinner.  Conies  down  c.  on  a  line  with  JOHNS) 
Good-evening,  T.  (As  he  makes  a  low  formal  bow 
she  registers  her  annoyance}  Oh,  please!  I  wish 
you  wouldn't  bow  that  way.  You  seem  so  like  a 
servant. 

JOHNS.  (Bowing}  Thank  you,  Nellie;  some 
day  I  may  ask  you  for  a  reference. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Laughing}  And  I  promise 
to  give  you  any  kind  you  want.  (  JOHNS  bows  low} 
Oh,  T,  you  are  trying  to  make  the  best  of  a  horrid 
situation,  and  it's  very  brave  of  you. 

JOHNS.  And  so  much  cheaper.  George  hasn't 
been  able  to  charge  me  up  with  a  hundred  dollars 
in  six  whole  days. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Throws  the  duster,  which 
she  takes  from  JOHNS,  upstage}  And  I  hope  he 
never  will  again.  I  want  to  drop  a  line  to  Mother. 
Have  you  seen  anything  of  my  note-paper? 

(FLORENCE   peeps   from    "behind   the   screen.     A3 
MRS.  NETTLETON  starts  L.  she  jumps  back.} 

JOHNS.  (Takes  MRS.  NETTLETON  R.  to  the  chair 
L.  of  the  table,  putts  out  the  chair;  MRS.  NETTLETON 
sits.  JOHNS  speaks  as  he  walks}  Yes;  I  put  it 
away  myself. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (To  JOHNS,  as  she  sits} 
Thank  vou. 


120  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

JOHNS.  (Gets  the  box  of  paper  from  the  table 
L.,  brings  it  to  MRS.  NETTLETON,  goes  above  the 
table  R.,  places  it  open  in  front  of  her)  Allow  me 
— my  fountain  pen! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  George  hasn't  come  home 
yet,  has  he?  (As  she  takes  the  pen  from  JOHNS 
and  starts  to  write  without  looking  up) 

JOHNS.  Not  yet.  He's  probably — very  busy — • 
at  the  office! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Looking  up  sharply)  Why 
do  you  emphasize — "  at  the  office  ?  " 

JOHNS.  (Turning  away)  Oh,  nothing — noth- 
ing! (FLORENCE  runs  from  behind  the  screen  to 
the  first  landing;  makes  a  little  noise)  Coddles! 
Keep  quiet ;  you're  disturbing  your  mistress. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Returns  to  her  writing) 
Er — call  him  up,  will  you,  and  see  if  he's  there. 

JOHNS.  (Goes  to  the  'phone)  With  pleasure. 
(Takes  the  'phone  up  without  removing  the  re" 
ceiver)  Three  four  three  two  Rector,  please. 
(Looks  at  MRS.  NETTLETON  ready  to  take  the  re- 
ceiver off  at  a  minute's  notice  should  she  look) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (As  she  writes)  T — have 
you  noticed  lately,  what  a  curious  change  has  come 
over  George? 

JOHNS.    In  what  way? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Oh,  it's  hard  to  say,  exactly; 
but  he  seems  so  troubled — and  discouraged — and 
then  his  manner  to  me.  Why,  only  the  other  day — 
you  remember — when  he  came  home  early  and  you 
and  I  were  fixing  the  roses  in  the  vase.  After  you 
went  out,  he  looked  at  me  in  the  oddest  sort  of  way 
and  said:  (Trys  to  imitate  NETTLETON'S  voice) — • 
"  er — Nellie!  I  should  think  that  fellow  was  quite 
strong  enough  to  lift  a  bunch  of  roses  by  himself !  " 
Then  he  used  a  profane  word  and  stalked  out  of 
the  room.  Now  what  do  you  suppose  he  meant? 
^  JOHNS.  (Virtuously)  I  wonder. 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  121 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  The  poor  boy  doesn't  seem 
well;  and  I'm  afraid  I  haven't  been  very  helpful  to 
him. 

JOHNS.    No? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  When  he  snapped  at  me,  I 
snapped  back.  But  hereafter  I'm  going  to  be  quite 
different.  I'm  going  to  be  sweet  and  lovable  and 
considerate — and 

JOHNS.  Excuse  me.  (In  the  'phone}  Hello — 
then  never  mind.  Thank  you.  (Replaces  the 
'phone  on  table)  Office  doesn't  answer.  (Goes  to 
MRS.  NETTLETON) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Looks  up  from  her  writing, 
without  facing  JOHNS,  with  rather  an  annoyed  ex- 
pression] Oh,  well,  er — perhaps  he's  on  his  way 
home  to  dinner;  and  I  have  a  nice  little  surprise 
for  him.  You  know  he's  been  wanting  to  have 
Florence  over  but  I  demurred.  (Faces  JOHNS)  Oh, 
I  know  it  was  ugly  of  me,  but  I  did.  (Back  to  the 
letter}  So  to-day,  I  'phoned  her  and  asked  her  to 
come  to  dinner.  Well — isn't  that  the  proper  spirit  ? 

JOHNS.  Magnanimous.  Especially  to  me.  Per- 
sonally, I  shall  endeavor  to  serve  her  soup  without 
spilling  it  down  her  back.  (Crosses  to  L.) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Risinn  in  consternation) 
Oh,  T!  (Goes  to  him,  puts  hands  on  his  arm}  I 
wasn't  thinking  of  your  being  in  love  with  her.  I 
was  only  thinking  of  the  surprise — for  dear  old 
George. 

JOHNS.    Very  kind  of  you,  I'm  sure. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Crosses  to  L.  of  the  table  R. 
Sits)  But  I  want  to  be  kind — and  especially  to  my 
husband,  and  from  now  on  I'm  going  to  prove  to 
him  that  I  can  be  nice  to  every  one ;  no  matter  how 
perfectly  horrid  they  are  to  me. 

JOHNS.     Referring,  I  presume,  to  Florence. 

{FLORENCE  comes  down  the  steps  and  looks  through 


i'22  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

the  windows  on  the  first  landing.  JOHNS 
glances  back,  she  signals  to  him  that  NETTLE- 
TON  is  coming  and  forms  the  words  with  her 
lips  "  GEORGE  is  coming."  JOHNS  nods  and 
runs  to  above  the  table  R.,  throws  himself  on 
his  knees.  NETTLETON  appears  at  the  window 
and  looks  in,  then  disappears.) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Answers  JOHNS  a  little  con- 
fusedly) Well,  I — I  hardly  mean  it — er — just  ex- 
actly that  way,  of  course,  but • 

JOHNS.  (Suddenly  and  without  warning  bursts 
into  his  warm  and  -fervent  appraisal  of  NELLIE, 
rather  startling  the  lady)  Nellie!  You're  an  aw- 
fully generous  woman.  You  are  an  intelligent 
woman ;  and  what's  more,  you  are  a  good  woman, 
and  if  ever  I  have  a  chance  to  prove  to  you • 

NETTLETON.  (Bursts  in  the  room  at  R.  2,  shak- 
ing with  rage.  Yells)  Nelliel 

(JOHNS  jumps  to  his  feet,  goes  up  to  the  stairs, 
stands  at  attention.) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Jumps  up  with  a  frightened 
exclamation,  runs  to  the  table  L.,  taking  the  letter 
she  was  writing  with  her.  Fans  herself  nervously 
with  same)  Oh,  George,  how  you  startled  me! 

NETTLETON.  (Rushes  to  c.,  glances  wildly  at 
one,  then  the  other,  bellows  at  NELLIE,  waving  his 
arms)  Did  I? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Her  voice  trembling)  Yes, 
you  did.  You  know  I'm  not  strong.  You  know  I'm 
nervous.  You 

NETTLETON.  Never  mind  your  nerves !  (Throws 
his  hat  on  the  floor.  Bellows  at  MRS.  NETTLETON) 
Sit  down! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Both  hysterical  and  angry) 
If  vou  employ  that  tone — I  won't!  If  you're  going 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  123 

to  be  brutal  the  moment  you  corne  into  the  house, 
I  wish  you  wouldn't  come  at  all!  (Exits  up  the 
stairs  sobbing) 

JOHNS.  (Exasperatingly  polite}  Pardon  me, 
sir.  Shall  I  take  your  hat  and  coat?  (Smiles  def- 
erentially at  the  enraged  NETTLETON) 

NETTLETON.  {In  a  paroxysm  of  rage,  shouts} 
No!  (JOHNS  jumps  back  in  mock  alarm)  Think 
I'm  not  capable  of  taking  off  my  own  coat? 
(Takes  off  his  coat  and  flings  it  on  the  chair  L.  of 
the  table  R.  Keeps  his  eye  on  JOHNS  all  the  while, 
glaring  fiercely  at  him.  Backs  to  the  table  L.,  feels 
about  for  the  decanter,  still  keeping  JOHNS  under 
his  observation) 

JOHNS.     (Smiles  sweetly)    Oh!    Allow  we,  sir! 

NETTLETON.  (Shakes  his  fist  threateningly  at 
JOHNS,  right  hand,  while  with  his  left  hand  he 
gropes  for  the  decanter)  Keep  your  hands  off! 

JOHNS.  (Backs  away  a  step)  Yes,  sir.  Thank 
you,  sir.  (NETTLETON  gets  the  decanter,  pours 
some  whiskey  in  a  glass,  spilling  half  of  the  whis- 
key over  the  sides  as  his  hand  shakes,  puts  the 
glass  down  with  a  bang,  then  goes  to  the  settee  and 
drops  down  on  same)  Hm — will  you  have  your— 
slippers,  sir? 

NETTLETON.  (Hissing  between  his  teeth)  Yes ! 
And  be  quick  about  it !  That's  all  you're  fit  for. 

JOHNS.  (Sweetly)  Yes,  sir;  very  good,  sir. 
(JOHNS  kicks  NETTLETON'J  hat,  which  is  in  his 
path,  goes  above  the  table  L.,  gets  NETTLETON'S  slip- 
pers from  in  front  of  the  fire  and  comes  down  L. 
of  the  table  to  NETTLETON,  who  has  unbuttoned  his 
shoes.  JOHNS  puts  the  slippers  on  the  floor  as  he 
kneels  left  of  NETTLETON,  takes  off  NETTLETON'S 
left  shoe,  pulls  his  sock  away  from  his  toes,  then 
tickles  him  under  the  sole  of  the  foot) 

NETTLETON.  (Jerking  his  foot  away.  As  soon 
as  he  gets  control  of  himself)  Look  here  I  What 


124  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

the  devil's  the  matter  with  you?  (Takes  off  the 
other  shoe  and  puts  on  his  own  slippers) 

JOHNS.  (Rises,  innocently)  With  me,  sir?  I 
don't  know,  I'm  sure.  But  I  hope  it's  nothing  to 
annoy  you,  sir.  To  what  may  I  ask,  do  you  allude  ? 

NETTLETON.  (Jumps  up)  To  everything !  First 
— you — you — seem  so  damn  well  satisfied.  (As 
JOHNS  shrugs  and  turns  a-way)  And  ever  since  I 
caught  you  drunk  the  other  day,  you've  been  wear- 
ing a  smirk  that — that  I  couldn't  pull  off  with  a 
monkey  wrench.  (Crosses  to  c.  and  turns  to 
JOHNS)-  Well,  why  don't  you  answer  me  ? 

JOHNS.  ^Suavely)  Perhaps,  sir,  it's  because 
I'm  beginning  to  realize — my  opportunities. 

NETTLETON.  -{Crosses  to  JOHNS,  goes  close  to 
fam.  Fiercely)  What  opportunities? 

JOHNS.    Of  serving  Mr.  Nettleton. 

NETTLETON.  (Raising  his  voice  to  a  yell)  You 
get  out  of  here ! 

JOHNS.  (Picks  up  the  shoes,  starts  out  L.)  Yes, 
sir;  very  good,  sir. 

NETTLETON.  (Yells)  Wait!  (As  JOHNS 
pauses  and  turns)  Tell  Mrs.  Nettleton  that  I  want 
to  see  her — in  here — at  once.  (Walks  to  R.  c. 
quickly) 

JOHNS.  '(Eagerly)  With  pleasure,  sir !  (Starts 
for  the  stairs  on  the  run  by  way  of  L.  of  the  table  L.) 

NETTLETON.  (Makes  a  mad  dash  for  the  stairs, 
catches  JOHNS  on  the  first  step,  throws  himself 
upon  him.  JOHNS  falls,  turns  so  as  to  face  NET- 
TLETON, who  grasps  him  by  the  coat,  holding  him 
fast.  JOHNS  smiles.  NETTLETON,  fiercely)  No, 
you  don't !  I'll  just  do  that  myself.  And  look  here, 
if  ever  I  catch  you  hanging  around  her  again — 
I'll — break — your — neck!  Get  me! 

JOHNS.  (Rises,  speaks  sweetly)  Yes,  sir.  I  get 
you.  (Goes  to  the  door  L.  i,  turns)  In  future,  I 
shall  try  to  be — more  careful.  (E.rits  L.  I  . 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  125 

NETTLETON.  (Puts  his  hand  to  his  head,  his 
knees  give  slightly  and  his  face  expresses  pain) 
More  careful?  (Recovers  himself  to  an  extent, 
goes  to  the  table  L.  above  same  and  grabs  up  the 
'phone.  Savagely}  Hello!  (Slight  pause ,  then  he 
rattles  the  hook)  Hello,  hello,  hello!  Lenox  six 
one  seven  o,  and  hurry,  will  you.  {Pours  some 
•whiskey  in  a  glass,  first  putting  the  'phone  on 
the  table;  still  holds  the  receiver  to  his  ear  with  the 
right  hand,  speaks  in  the  'phone)  Well,  can't  you 
get  that  number?  (Picks  up  the  glass,  about  to 
drink;  his  attention  suddenly  called  by  voice  on  the 
•wire,  he  speaks  in  the  glass  instead  of  the  'phone} 
Oh,  hello!  (Puts  the  glass  down  angrily  and 
picks  up  the  phone}  Hello!  Is  that  Mr.  Vander- 
holt's  home?  Ohl  This  is  George.  Say,  Van,  I 
want  you  to  come  over,  will  you — right  away! 
(Slight  pause)  Of  course  it's  important !  (JOHNS 
enters  and  stands  at  attention  near  the  door  L.) 
What?  (Glances  at  JOHNS)  No,  I  can't  tell  you 
over  the  'phone.  There's  something  in  the  way,  as 
it  always  is!  All  right,  I'll  look  for  you.  Good- 
bye. (NETTLETON  goes  to  the  settee;  sits) 

JOHNS.  (Goes  back  of  the  table,  takes  the  glass 
of  whiskey  that  NETTLETON  has  poured  and  comes 
R.  of  NETTLETON  and  hands  it  to  him)  Hm!  Er — 
pardon  me,  sir.  But  won't  you  take  a  little  stimu- 
lant? 

NETTLETON.  (His  head  in  his  hands)  Mind 
your  own  business ! 

JOHNS.  Yes,  sir!  I  only  took  the  liberty,  be- 
cause you  look  so  tired  and  overworked. 

NETTLETON.  (Snatches  the  glass  from  JOHNS) 
Yes,  I  am  overworked.  I'm  working  like  a  dog. 
And  you  up  here — loafmg  around  all  day — and  I 
don't  know  what!  (Looks  at  JOHNS  suspiciously) 

JOHNS.  No,  sir;  how  should  you?  (NETTLE- 
,ION,  who  has  started  to  drink,  chokes  on  same) 


126  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

I'm  very  sorry  to  see  you  so.  (NETTLETON  putt 
his  hands  over  his  ears.  JOHNS  takes  the  atomiser 
from  his  pocket  and  sprays  NETTLETON'S  right  arm 
and  shoulder)  Especially  as  your  splendid  work  in 
the  Eureka  Digestive  Pill  Co.  is  partially  on  my 
account.  (Replaces  the  atomiser  in  his  pocket) 
And  so  I  hope  I  don't  offend  you,  sir,  in  offering  a 
suggestion.  No?  Thank  you.  Then,  since  you 
are  so  overworked,  why  not  run  off  somewhere  for 
a  little  trip — and  rest — for  a  week  or  two  ? 

NETTLETON.     (Jumps  to  his  feet)    What's  that  ? 

JOHNS.  Oh,  of  course,  I  mean,  sir — that  you—- 
you would  take  her  with  you. 

NETTLETON.  (Struggling  with  his  fury)  Oh, 
you  do.  Then  let  me  tell  you  one  thing,  Mr.  Johns, 
and  I  want  you  to  remember  it;  my  personal  and 
domestic  affairs  are  not  mentioned  in  that  contract ! 

JOHNS.  There  is  nothing  in  it  to  the  contrary! 
(Takes  out  the  contract,  starts  to  open  it) 

NETTLETON.  (Pushing  his  hand  aside)  There  is 
in  this  house  and  there's  going  to  be — from  now 
on!  Get  me? 

JOHNS.  Yes,  sir.  I've  got  you.  (Grins;  NET- 
TLETON waves  his  arms  in  despair  and  goes  reeling 
to  the  door  R.  i.  JOHNS  puts  the  contract  back  in 
his  pocket)  And  whenever  you  can  think  of  any 
other  little  matter  that  would  please  you,  I  trust 
that  you  will  bring  it  to  my  attention. 

NETTLETON.  There  are  several  little  matters  I 
am  going  to  bring  to  your  attention,  and  if  you 
don't  look  sharp,  the  first  will  be  an  undertaker. 

JOHNS.  (With  finger  tips  together)  Yes,  sir. 
Very  good,  sir.  (NETTLETON  gives  a  shout  of  rage 
and  exits  R.  I,  slams  the  door  after  him.  JOHNS 
laughs  heartily,  he  goes  c.  and  as  he  sings  "  Some' 
body  else  "  very  softly,  he  takes  out  the  veil,  hrtds 
it  in  front  of  him  with  his  left  hand,  and  with  his 
riflht  he  takes  the  atomizer  and  strays  the  veil  ut 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  127 

and  down,  keeping  time  to  his  singing;  puts  the 
atomizer  back  in  his  pocket  when  he  has  sprayed 
it  thoroughly — or  rather  appeared  to  do  so — and 
takes  the  veil  and  in  time  to  the  song  stuffs  it  in 
NETTLETON'S  overcoat  pocket  (coat  on  chair  L.  of 
table  R.)  then  takes  a  sheet  of  paper  from  NELLIE'S 
•writing  case  on  the  table  R.,  holds  it  up  to  view  of 
the  house)  A  letter!  (Runs  to  the  settee.  L.,  sits 
down  when  NETTLETON  enters  R.  He  kisses  the 
letter) 

NETTLETON.  (Enters  from  R.  I,  sees  JOHNS  kiss 
the  letter,  runs  above  the  table  R.  to  c.)  Well? 
What's  that?  ( JOHNS  jumps,  pretends  alarm, 
rushes  to  the  fireplace,  puts  the  letter  behind  him) 
Don't  you  hear  me  speaking  to  you?  What  is  it? 

JOHNS.  (Throwing  the  letter  in  the  fire)  It  is 
one  of  the  personal  or  domestic  affairs — not  men- 
tioned in  the  contract. 

NETTLETON.  (Furiously,  as  he  strides  towards 
him)  Well,  by 

JOHNS.  (Sharply)  Hold  on  there!  (As  NET- 
TLETON reaches  the  edge  of  the  table  and  pauses, 
JOHNS  speaks  with  the  air  of  a  servant  again)  Re- 
member, sir,  that  any  excessive  violence  on  the  part 
of  the  master  might  be  legally  construed  as  a  viola- 
tion of  the  contract.  Do  you  get  me  ? 

NETTLETON.  Yes,  I  get  you — and  I'm  going  to 
get  you  by  the  neck!  (He  starts  iip  around  the 
table  after  JOHNS,  who  goes  to  the  down-stage  side 
of  the  table  L.) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Appears  on  the  stairs) 
George!  (NETTLETON  stops  and  goes  R.  MRS. 
NETTLETON  comes  rapidly  down  the  stairs  to  c.) 
Why — why,  you  looked  as  though  you  were  going 
to  fly  at  each  other's  throats.  What  is  it,  George? 

JOHNS.  (Virtuously)  Believe  me,  Nellie,  it 
was  not  his  fault.  Merely  a  little  nervous  strain, 
from  overwork,  at  the  office.  (Exits  L.  i) 


128  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Oh !  George  dear,  why  wert 
you  so  late  at  the  office  ? 

NETTLETON.  (Goes  above  the  table  R.  to  c, 
Speaks  vehemently)  I'll  tell  you  why — because 
I'm  doing  two  men's  work!  Because  the  entire 
business  is  resting  on  my  shoulders!  Does  any- 
body appreciate  that?  No!  I  toil  and  slave  and 
sweat — ten  hours  a  day — and  that  smirking  lump  of 
laziness — is  prancing  around  with  a  dinky  little 
feather  duster.  (Goes  to  the  R.  of  the  table  *., 
groaning)  My  God,  Nellie,  it  makes  me  sick— 
sick  I 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Well,  you  told  him  to  do  it, 
didn't  you?  (NETTLETON  waves  a  protesting  hand 
at  MRS.  NETTLETON  and  goes  up  R.  holding  his 
head)  In  fact  you  gave  him  the  duster — on  his 
birthday ! 

NETTLETON.  (Angrily)  That's  it!  Take  up 
for  him — as  you  always  do ! 

(MRS.  NETTLETON  goes  to  L.  of  the  table  E.) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (In  severe  tone)  And  why 
shouldn't  I  defend  him?  Someone  should!  Isn't 
the  poor  fellow  doing  everything  on  earth  to  please 
you? 

NETTLETON.  (Loses  all  control  of  himself;  lifts 
his  clenched  fists;  laughs  maniacally)  Ah-h-h-! 
To  please  me !  (Starts  around  the  table  R.  to  L.  of 
same  to  MRS.  NETTLETON'S  who  beats  a  hasty  re- 
treat to  the  R.  side  of  the  table;  watches  NETTLE- 
TON  as  if  she  thought  he  had  suddenly  gone  in- 
sane) Yes,  he  is !  He's  pleasing  me — every  min- 
ute of  the  day  and  night!  And  so  are  you.  And 
now,  Mrs.  Nettleton,  I  want  to  know  why  and  what 
you  are  writing  to  that  man ! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.     (Amazed)     I?    What  man? 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  12$ 

NETTLETON.  (In  biting  sarcasm)  What  man! 
1  !  T !  T  Boggs  Johns !  (Strikes  the  table  with 
his  fist)  That's  the  man  I  mean  and  you  know  it  1 
(Seeking  to  control  his  feelings  he  rushes  to  the 
stairs  and  turns  his  back  to  the  house;  grasps  the 
newel  post  right  side  of  the  stairs  and  leans  his  head 
on  same) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Leaning  over  the  table;  call" 
ing  to  him  in  a  soothing  voice)  Why,  darling! 
You  are  nervous.  Why  in  the  world  should  I  write 
to  T  when  I  have  him  here  all  day  long  and  can 
tell  him  what  I  choose? 

NETTLETON.  (With  a  wild  cry,  whirls  about  and 
faces  her,  laughing  fiendishly)  All  right !  Have  it 
that  way?  What  are  you  saying  to  him  all  dajt 
long  and  what  is  he  saying  to  youf  (As  she  stares 
at  him  in  pained  wonder)  That's  it — look  inno- 
cent! I'm  the  goat — not  you!  ( Waves  arms  excit- 
edly, goes  up-stage,  leans  on  the  L.  stage  newal 
post) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (In  alarm)  My  precious 
George  you're  not  yourself !  You  need  a  rest ! 
(Brightly,  as  the  idea  comes  to  her)  Now,  why 
don't  you  run  off  somewhere — for  a  week  or  two  ? 

NETTLETON.  (Whirls  and  faces  her  with  a 
blood-curdling  cry,  goes  a  few  steps  to  her,  points 
an  accusing  finger  at  her)  Aha!  You  too! 
(Points  to  L.)  That's  what  he  wanted  me  to  do — • 
to  get  me  out  of  the  way!  (Raging)  Now  then! 
I  want  to  know  what  it  means — do  you  hear  me? 
(Goes  to  her,  takes  her  by  the  arms,  and  pulls  her 
to  c.)  Now  look  me  in  the  face  and  tell  me — if 
you  can. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Catches  the  scent  of  the  per- 
fume; leans  over  and  sniffs  at  his  sleeve;  sharply) 
George!  (Sniffs  again  energetically.  NETTLETOH 
looks  and  sniffs  too)  George!  (She  steps  back 
and  looks  at  him) 


130  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

NETTLETON.  (A  bewildered  expression  crossing 
his  face)  Well?  What  are  you  getting  at? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Catches  his  arm,  holds  it  up 
for  him  to  smell.  In  accusing  voice)  Your  coat 
sleeve!  Smell  it! 

NETTLETON.  (Goes  down-stage,  puts  his  arm 
up  tohis  nose,  smels  it;  looks  puzzled;  addresses 
the  house)  Why?  My  co —  Hm,  by  Jove! 
That  is  funny.  I  wonder  where  I  got  it  ? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Stiffly)  That's  what  I  want 
to  know.  Where  did  you  get  it  ? 

NETTLETON.  (Defensively}  How  can  I  tell.  It 
must  have  been  here — (Sniffing}  I've  been  notic- 
ing something  for  the  last  five  minutes. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  I  should  think  you  might; 
you're  positively  reeking  with  it  (Few  steps  R., 
turns,  draws  herself  up)  Now,  sir,  where  have  you 
been? 

NETTLETON.  Been?  Why — why — just  where  I 
said  I've  been — just 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Stop!  Don't  make  it  worse 
by  lying ! 

NETTLETON.  Nellie!  (Reproachfully}  That's  a 
nice  raw  deal  to  hand  a  poor  tired  business  man. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.    Poor  tired  business  man ! 

NETTLETON.  • — When  he  comes  home.  If  you 
don't  think  I've  been  working,  there's  the  telephone 
~-why  didn't  you  call  me  up  and  find  out  ? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  I  did  twice  and  Central  al- 
ways said,  "  Office  doesn't  answer." 

NETTLETON.  (Faltering}  Oh,  I — well — er— 
well,  that  may  be  too.  (As  if  he  had  just  thought 
of  it)  Oh,  that's  so ;  our  'phone  has  been  out  of 
order.  (As  MRS.  NETTLETON  laughs  derisively) 
Then  don't  believe  me!  If  you  like,  I  wasn't 
there!  If  that  suits  you  better,  I  haven't  been  to 
the  office  for  a  week.  (Goes  up  c.) 

Mis.  NETTLETON.     (As  she  goes  to  the  'phont 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  131 

on  the  table  L.)  Aha!  At  last  we  are  getting  at 
the  truth!  Well,  J  know  a  'phone  that  is  not  out  of 
order.  (Picks  up  the  'phone,  puts  receiver  to  ear} 

NETTLETON.  (Down-stage  to  R.  of  the  table  R.$( 
And  what  are  you  doing  now? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Calling  up  my  lawyer — Mr. 
Vanderholt.  (In  'phone)  Hello! 

NETTLETON.  Then  save  yourself  the  trouble — • 
he'l  be  here  in  about  five  minutes. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Replaces  the  'phone  on  table^ 
goes  to  the  settee;  sits)  Very  well!  I'll  see  him. 
(Beginning  to  cry)  And  I  want  you  to  know,  sir, 
that  this  is  the  end— of  everything!  (Screams) 
Every-y-y-y  thing ! 

NETTLETON.  (Starts  to  come  to  her")  Oh,  but 
darling — ('Phone  rings  twice.  NETTLETON  jerks 
the  receiver  off  the  hook;  demands  harshly)  Hello! 
What?  No!  I  didn't  call.  Ring  off! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Sobbing  and  feeling  in  her 
sleeves  and  bosom  of  dress  for  handkerchief) 
Where's  my  handkerchief?  I've  lost  it — I've  lost 
it! 

NETTLETON.  Here,  dear;  take  mine—  Here  we 
are!  (Goes  to  his  overcoat  on  the  chair  L.  of  the 
table  R.,  fumbles  in  the  pocket  for  his  handkerchief 
"but  keeps  his  eye  on  MRS.  NETTLETON.  Gives  the 
veil  a  jerk  and  runs  to  MRS.  NETTLETON  a  few  steps 
before  he  discovers  what  it  really  is;  stops  and  tries 
to  stuff  it  down  inside  his  coat;  it  hangs  out  at  the 
bottom;  he  pulls  it  up  and  it  sticks  out  at  the  top; 
he  keeps  this  up,  laughing  foolishly) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Turns,  sees  the  veil,  rises, 
screams)  Ah !  Her  veil! 

NETTLETON.    Her  veil  ?    Whose  veil  ? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Pulling  the  veil  away  from 
him;  waves  it  under  his  nose)  Smell  it !  (As  NET- 
TLETON steps  back,  sniffing  his  coat  in  compariscn^ 
she  flings  herself  in  the  chair  L.  of  the  table  R^ 
laughing  and  sobbing) 


132  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

NETTLETON.  (Runs  to  her,  kneels  L.  of  her) 
Nellie!  Nellie!  For  heaven's  sake  don't— don't— 
(She  continues;  he  starts  for  the  'phone;  as  he 
reaches  it  and  is  about  to  pick  it  up,  it  stops;  he 
crawls  back  to  MRS.  NETTLETON.  All  this  done 
on  his  knees)  Darling!  Speak  to  me!  Nellie! 
Won't  you  even  look  at  me?  {She  continues  to 
sob  and  -weep.  As  the  'phone  rings  NETTLETON 
turns,  shakes  his  fist  at  it}  That's  it — go  on! 
Damn  you— go  on! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  '(In  a  bitter  wail)  And  now 
you're  cursing  me-e-e-e-e! 

NETTLETON.  t(Shouts  to  make  himself  heard) 
I'm  not  cursing  you.  I'm  cursing  the  'phone. 
I'm 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  '(Weeping  and  wailing)  And 
now  you're  putting  it  on  the  poor  old  telephone. 

NETTLETON.  (Puts  hand  to  head  as  knock  is 
heard  at  door)  Oh,  my  God !  There's  something 
else.  (Clasps  hands;  looks  up)  Why  don't  the 
house  catch  fire  and  finish  it!  (MRS.  NETTLETON 
sobs  louder.  JOHNS  enters  from  L.  I,  takes  in  the 
situation,  grins,  dances  on  his  way  to  the  door  u.  R. 
JOHNS  exits)  Nellie!  Nellie!  You  are  only  mak- 
ing a  fool  of  yourself.  I  don't  know  a  thing  about 
that  smell.  I  swear  it — not  a  thing!  Oh,  don't! 
Please !  Please ! 

JOHNS.  {Re-enters  at  once.  Announces  VAN- 
PERHOLT  a?  he  reaches  c.,  then  goes  to  the  door  L.) 
Mr.  Vanderholt! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Speaking  in  natural  voice) 
Whom  did  he  say  it  was  ? 

NETTLETON.  It's  only  Van,  dear — just  dear  old 
Van  I 

(MRS.  NETTLETON  lapses  into  hysteria  again.) 
VANDERHOLT.     (VANDERHOLT  enters  up  R.    Reg* 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  133 

isters  his  alarm,  takes  off  hat  and  coat,  goes  down- 
stage R.  of  the  table  R.;  looks  at  NELLIE)  George! 
What  is  it — is  she  ill? 

JOHNS.  Something,  I  fancy,  has  disagreed  with 
her. 

NETTLETON.  (Crawls  a  few  steps  toward  JOHNS, 
shakes  fist;  yells}  You  get  out  of  here! 

.(VANDERHOLT  goes  up  to  the  window  seatt  puts  his 
hat  and  coat  there,  then  comes  down  c.) 

JOHNS.    Yes,  sir;  very  good,  sir.    (Exit  L.  i) 
VANDERHOLT.    Now,  old  man,  what  is  it  ? 
NETTLETON.    (On  his  knees)    Everything!    And 
I'm  supposed  to  dress  with  one  hand- — (MRS.  NET- 
TLETON shrieks)  and  treat  a  case  of  hysteria  with 
the  other.     (NETTLETON  rises)     We've  got  to  get 
her  out  of  here!    Help  me,  will  you?    Take  her 
head ;  it's  the  lightest  part  of  her ! 

(VANDERHOLT  takes  her  head  while  NETTLETON 
takes  her  feet.) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  '(Screams  and  cries  until  car- 
ried off)  I  want  a  divorce-e-e-e-e — absolute—- 
with alimon-e-e-e 

VANDERHOLT.  (Pulls  up  to  the  stairs)  Up- 
stairs ? 

NETTLETON.  (Pulls  to  the  R.)  No!  We'd 
bump  her  on  the  bannisters !  Library — come  on ! 

CODDLES.  (Enters  from  L.,  sees  the  row;  wrings 
her  hands)  Ho  Lud!  Ho  Lud!  Ho  Lud!  Ho 
Lud! 

NETTLETON.  You,  Coddles,  stop  that,  and  open 
the  library  door!  (CODDLES  runs  to  the  door  R.  I, 
opens  same.  NETTLETON  and  VANDERHOLT  carry 
Mas.  NETTLETON  out  screaming — she  kicks  off  hep 
•shoe  as  she  is  going  out  and  CODDLES  gets  it 


*34  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

TELTON  returns  at  once  and  she  hands  it  to  hint. 
While  MRS.  NETTLETON  is  being  carried  off,  JOHNS 
enters  from  L.,  goes  up  and  sits  on  the  steps: 
laughs)  Coddles,  telephone  a  doctor! 

CODDLES.     (Excited)     Yes,  sir — wot  number? 

NETTLETON.  Six  five  Columbus.  Hurry! 
(Exits  into  library;  sounds  of  hysteria  coming  out 
and  ceasing  as  he  closes  the  door) 

CODDLES.  Yes,  sir!  Yes,  sir!  (She  starts  for 
the  'phone,  sees  JOHNS  on  the  steps,  runs  for  him. 
JOHNS  registers  alarm  and  dashes  out  L.,  slams  the 
door.  CODDLES  just  at  the  door  as  it  is  slammed;, 
she  repeats  the  number  that  NETTLETON  has  give.i 
her,  over  and  over  again,  as  fast  as  possible,  as 
though  trying  to  prevent  it  leaving  her;  goes  to  th* 
'phone,  then  takes  the  receiver  off  the  hook  with 
right  hand  and  leans  her  left  elbow  on  the  table, 
crosses  her  feet,  speaks  as  though  all  out  of  breath) 
Are  you  there?  (She  then  looks  in  the  'phone 
— mouth  piece — then  out  front  again)  I  say,  are 
you  there?  Six  five  Columbius— ~(The  operatoi 
does  not  get  it)  Colum-bi-us ! 

NETTLETON.  Enters  from  R.  I,  goes  to  c.  by  way 
of  above  the  table  R.  Excitedly,  to  CODDLES,  who 
has  just  dropped  the  'phone  on  the  table  on  his  en- 
trance and  runs  down  L.;  faces  NETTLETON)  Well, 
well — did  you  get  him  ? 

CODDLES.  No,  sir.  'E  slammed  the  door  in  me 
face,  sir! 

NETTLETON.  (Makes  a  fierce  face — roars  at  her) 
Who?  The  doctor? 

CODDLES.  (Frightened)  No,  sir — Mr.  Boggs, 
sir. 

NETTLETON.  (Looks  at  her  for  a  few  seconds 
in  helpless  fury.  He  holds  on  the  table,  and 
crouches  watching  her — CODDLES  crouches  slightly, 
as  if  ready  to  run,  if  NETTLETON  should  spring  at 
her)  Oh,  you  idiot!  Here!  Go  in  there  to  your 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  135 

mistress — she  needs  you!  (CODDLES  goes,  in  long 
glides,  still  watching  NETTLETON)  Don't  skate — 
walk ! 

CODDLES.  (As  she  runs  for  her  life  out  R.  i) 
Yes,  sir !  Yes,  sir !  (As  she  exits  the  sound  of  hy- 
steria comes  from  the  library.  NETTLETON  follow* 
her  as  far  as  the  table  R.  to  R.  of  same.  He  turns 
and  sees  the  frame  of  cards  on  the  table  R.  and  with 
a  sweep  of  his  hand  knocks  it  up-stage,  then  he 
goes  to  table  L.,  takes  the  syphon,  sits  on  the  settee, 
rubs  it  on  his  forehead) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Enters  from  R.  I,  sounds  of  hy- 
steria heard  until  the  door  closes.  VANDERHOLT 
comes  to  c.)  Now,  old  man,  what's  all  this  silly 
rubbish  about  divorce? 

NETTLETON.  Well,  I — I  got  some  cologne  or 
something  on  my  shoulder.  I  don't  know  where,  of 
course,  but  nothing  under  the  sun  can  persuade  the 
lady  that  the  head  of  some  other  lady  has  not  been 
reposing  here.  (Rises,  goes  to  him,  holds  up  his 
lapel)  Whiff  that ! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Smelling  the  sleeve  and  stepping 
back)  Shades  of  the  chorus!  (Laughs,  crosses  to 
R.  of  the  table  R.  Sits)  Georgie !  Georgie ! 

NETTLETON.  (Angrily)  Well?  What's  the 
matter  with  you?  (Sniffs  coat)  Woman,  hell! 
Smells  more  like  the  Chicago  River!  (As  VAN- 
DERHOLT laughs)  That's  right;  laugh;  make  a 
game  of  it;  enjoy  yourself!  Howl!  (Turns  away, 
then  back)  But  see  here,  Van!  You  understand 
it,  don't  you? 

VANDERHOLT.  Oh,  yes,  I  understand  It!  Oh, 
Georgie !  Georgie !  (Laughs) 

NETTLETON.  You  believe  me,  don't  you?  (As 
VANDERHOLT  laughs  again  NETTLETON  speaks  an- 
grily) Then  don't!  If  you  haven't  brains  enough 
to  understand  it,  here's  something  you  can  under' 
stand.  I  waut  that  contract  cancelled. 


136  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

VANDERHOLT.    I  thought  you  thought  it  great ! 

NETTLETON.  I  did  until  I  saw  it  work — and  novi 
I  think  it's  rotten ! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Rising)  Well,  what  other  rea« 
sons  have  you  for  wanting  it  cancelled  ? 

NETTLETON.  A  hundred  and  fifty  million  rea- 
sons !  First,  it  isn't  legal ! 

VANDERHOLT.  That's  what  T  say.  Why  isn't  it 
legal? 

NETTLETON.  Because  all  the  advantage  is  on  his 
side.  (VANDERHOLT  laughs  and  goes  a  few  steps 
It.)  And  the  rank  injustice  falls  on  me.  And  that 
won't  stand  at  law! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Crosses  to  c.)  Oh,  yes,  it  will. 
Yours  is  a  personal  agreement  between  two  private 
individuals;  and  it  stands — at  law!  It  can  be  an- 
nulled, but  only  by  mutual  consent— or  by  one  of 
the  parties  breaking  it — deliberately. 

NETTLETON.  All  right ;  I'll  break  it !  I'll  fire  that 
fellow — now!  (Crosses  to  L.) 

VANDERHOLT.  Good!  And  forfeit  all  your  in- 
terest in  the  business. 

NETTLETON.  (Stopping  short)  Eh?  Ah! 
Then  it's  a  frame-up?  (Advancing  angrily)  So 
that's  what  you've  done  to  me — tied  me  up !  Fixed 
me !  So  I  can't  even  kick  him  out !  I've  got  to  keep 
him  for  a  year! 

VANDERHOLT.  That's  what  you  wanted,  wasn't 
it?  You're  making  an  excellent  butler  of  him,  and 
since  he  left  the  office  you  are  doing  twice  as  well 
as  you  were  before. 

NETTLETON.  I'm  not!  The  business  is  running 
'down.  One  man  can't  do  it  all !  (Crosses  to  R.  a 
few  steps) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Whistling)  Oh,  I  see !  So  you 
want  him  back  at  the  office? 

NETTLETON.  No,  I  don't!  I  want  him  out  of 
this  house!  He's  a  curse!  And  one  way  or  the 
other  vou've  got  to  gret  me  rid  of  him ! 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  137 

VANDERHOLT.  /  must?  (Laughs')  On  what 
grounds  ? 

NETTLETON.  Legal  grounds.  (Goes  to  VANDER- 
HOLT) Van, — (Looks  about;  then  speaks  very 
seriously)  he's  in  love  with  Nellie — and  she's  in  love 
with  him. 

VANDERHOLT.  What!  In  love  with  Ne — (Stops 
and  speaks  in  disgust)  Oh,  George,  go  out  and  see 
a  veterinary!  (Crosses  to  L.  end  of  the  table  L.) 

NETTLETON.  It's  true!  For  a  week  he's  been 
swaggering  around  here  as  if  he  owned  the  place. 
Drinks  my  whiskey — smokes  my  best  cigars — and 
then  he's  always  with  her!  (Both  meet  c.)  If  I 
come  in  suddenly,  he  jumps — a  guilty  start — and 
looks  like  a  poisoned  sheep.  Why,  Van,  I  tell  you 
plainly,  man  to  man. 

(To  VANDERHOLT.) 

VANDERHOLT.    Sh-h-h-! 

JOHNS.  (Comes  down  the  stairs  to  the  first 
landing)  Er — beg  pardon,  sir;  (Waves  a  pair  of 
pink  pajamas  and  a  pair  of  violet  pajamas  at  NET- 
TLETON) but  shall  I  lay  out  your — er — violet  pa- 
jamas or  the  pink  ones? 

NETTLETON.  Get  out  of  here  or  I'll  lay  you  out. 
(Runs  for  the  stairs) 

JOHNS.  (Runs  up  the  stairs  and  exits — speak" 
ing  as  he  goes)  Yes,  sir ;  very  good,  sir ! 

NETTLETON.  Get  that,  Van — get  that  ?  Did  you 
see  him  grin-n-n-n-ing  at  me  ? 

VANDERHOLT.  (Sits  settee)  No,  he  looked  to 
me  like  a  highly  respectable  grave  digger. 
^  NETTLETON.  (Goes  to  c.)  Well,  I'll  dig  his  all 
right — and  plant  him — in  a  violet  colored  shroud. 
(Speaking  confidentially)  Van,  would  you  believe 
it,  they  are  writing  notes  to  each  other  and  right 
under  my  very  nose ! 


138  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

VANDERHOLT.  Correspondence?  Now  you're 
talking.  Produce  it! 

NETTLETON.  (Waving  his  hands  helplessly)  I 
tan't !  They  burn  it ! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Goes  a  step  L.;  laughs')  Good 
work! 

NETTLETON.     (Sharply)    Eh  ? 

VANDERHOLT.  I  mean — er — how  does  Mrs.  Net- 
tleton  seem  to  bear  up  under  the  trying  circum- 
stances ? 

NETTLETON.  She?  Why,  Van,  she  carries  it  off 
with  an  air  of  brazen  innocence  that  would  knock 
you  cold.  When  I  put  it  up  to  her  a  while  ago  what 
do  you  think  she  did  ? 

VANDERHOLT.    What  ? 

NETTLETON.  Just  looked  at  me  with  those  big, 
beautiful  eyes — then  attacked  me — about  that 
damned  cologne.  (Crosses  to  R.) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Laughs  heartily)  By  Jove,  that 
was  clever. 

NETTLETON.  {Getting  excited  again')  Well,  it 
don't  go  down  with  me.  (Impatiently,  to  VANDER- 
HOLT) Now  then-—what  are  you  going  to  do  about 
it? 

VANDERHOLT.  (Protesting')  I?  See  here,  old 
sport,  you  seem  to  think  this  is  my  divorce. 

NETTLETON.  (Going  to  c)  Well — you  saddled 
me  with  Boggs,  didn't  you? 

VANDERHOLT.  (Angrily)  No,  I  didn't;  but 
still — (Stops  and  brightens)  Ha!  I've  got  it — 
(Goes  to  NETTLETON) 

NETTLETON.    What  ? 

VANDERHOLT.  We'll  call  T  in  here  and  get  him 
^j  dissolve  the  contract — with  your  magnanimous 
consent.  Get  the  idea? 

NETTLETON.  You  mean — (Enthusiastic  as  he 
grisps  the  idea)  Good,  by  Jupiter!  It's  great) 
(VANDERHOLT  goes  ub-stage  and  -pushes  the  bell  L. 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  139 

of  the  window  seat  on  the  arch)  But  don't  you  tell 
him  that  I  want  it,  and  don't  you  tell  him  that  busi- 
ness is  rotten,  either.  {Goes  to  R.  of  the  table  R.) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Comes  to  back  of  the  chair  L.  of 
the  table  R.)  Oh,  no,  no,  you  leave  it  to  me.  I 
owe  him  an  upper  cut  myself. 

JOHNS.  (Comes  down  the  stairs  to  c.,  stands  at 
attention)  Beg  pardon,  sir;  but  did  you  ring? 
(VANDERHOLT  snickers) 

NETTLETON.  (Trying  to  get  back)  What  did 
you  think  it  was — the  angels  calling  you  ? 

JOHNS.  (With  a  sober  face;  in  a  sweet  voice; 
looks  up  at  heaven)  No,  sir;  I  used  to  believe  in 
angels,  but  somehow  lately,  sir 

NETTLETON.  (Fiercely)  Aw — shut  up( 
(Throws  himself  in  the  chair  R.  of  the  table  R. 
Glares  at  JOHNS) 

VANERHOLT.  (Comes  to  R.  of  JOHNS)  That's 
right!  Now,  T,  listen:  George  and  I  have  been 
talking  matters  over  and  have  come  to  the  conclu- 
sion that  this  contract  is — well,  a  little  rough  on 
you. 

JOHNS.     (Politely)    Yes,  sir? 

VANDERHOLT.  (Amused  at  JOHN'S  manner) 
And  so  partially  at  my  advice,  he  has  generously 
consented  to — to  let  you  off.  (Watches  JOHN'S 
face  closely) 

JOHNS.  (Intentionally  misconstruing  the  mean- 
ing) You  mean  for  a  day,  sir?  (Smiles  grate" 
fully) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Trying  to  keep  a  straight  face. 
NETTLETON  gives  an  infuriated  grunt  and  turns  in 
his  seat  away  from  JOHNS)  Oh,  no,  no!  (Ear- 
nestly) I  mean  altogether.  In  other  words,  he's 
willing — under  certain  conditions — to  allow  you  to 
cancel.  (Beams  upon  JOHNS.  NETTLETON  tries  to 
look  philanthropical) 

(In  respectful  astonishment)      What? 


140  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

Cancel  my  contract?  (Lifts  his  hands  in  deferen- 
tial protest)  Oh,  Mr.  Vanderholt ! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Slaps  JOHNS'  hand  down) 
Here,  here !  Cut  that  butler  stuff ;  it  don't  go  with 
me! 

JOHNS.  (In  natural  tone  and  manner)  All 
right,  I  will.  And  why  should  I  cancel  it?  Isn't 
George  at  the  office,  working  his  head  off,  piling  up 
receipts  and  even  improving  on  the  color  of  my 
pills?  He's  doubling  the  business  every  week  or 
two — according  to  his  account — and  is  crediting 
half  the  profits  up  to  mine.  On  the  other  hand — 
(Changes  tone  to  one  of  great  satisfaction,  walks  a 
few  steps  L.,  turns  slightly  away  from  VANDER- 
HOLT) I'm  here!  (NETTLETON  sits  up  straight  in 
his  seat,  with  a  start;  eyes  JOHNS  keenly)  A  regu- 
lar rest  cure  snap.  Good  whiskey — (Raises  his  eye- 
brows and  makes  a  mouth)  fair  cigars — (NETTLE- 
TON  writhes  in  his  seat)  and — er-er 

NETTLETON.  (Springs  to  his  feet,  bangs  the 
table  with  his  fist,  and  demands  in  a  voice  of  thun- 
der) And  what? 

JOHNS.  (Faces  him,  smiles  sweetly  at  him;  in  a 
mocking  tone}  A  good,  kind,  generous,  loving 
marstert  who  is  all  my  simple  soul  desires. 

(NETTLETON,  with  a  yell  of  rage  starts  for  JOHNS, 
who  dances  lightly  to  the  door  L.  i) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Pushes  NETTLETON  back) 
Steady,  George!  Leave  this  to  me.  (As  NETTLE- 
TON  stops,  VANDERHOLT  turns  to  JOHNS)  Well,  T, 
how  about  it? 

JOHNS.  Cancel  my  contract?  What  I  want  to 
do  is  renew  to  it.  (Exits  L.  I,  grinning) 

NETTLETON.  (Nearly  collapses,  reels  to  R.,  then 
up  R.  to  back  of  the  chair  R.  of  the  table  R.  on  which 
he  leans  for  support.  VANDERHOLT  chokes  with 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  141 

mirth.  When  NETTLETON  gets  his  breath,  VANDER- 
HOLT  throws  himself  on  settee)  Did  you  ever  see 
such  a  man?  (VANDERHOLT  laughs)  Can  you 
beat  that?  Can  you  beat  it?  (Goes  to  c.) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Wiping  the  tears  out  of  his 
eyes)  Well,  no,  old  chap!  I'm  horribly  afraid — 
we  can't! 

CODDLES.  (Enters  from  R.  I,  her  hair  disar- 
ranged. As  the  door  opens  MRS.  NETTLETON  is 
heard  weeping  and  screaming.  Sound  stops  with 
the  closing  of  the  door.  Appears  out  of  breath. 
•Jerks  her  thumb  in  the  direction  of  the  libraryt 
looks  up,  shakes  her  head,  motions  to  NETTLETON, 
then  taps  her  forehead)  Ho,  Mr.  Nettleton,  sir! 
Mr.  Nettleton !  She's  a-talkin'  hon  somethink  haw- 
ful,  sir — a-grittin'  of  'er  teeth  an'  a-stretchin'  hout 
Jer  legs,  like  this !  (Bares  her  teeth  and  holds  her 
legs  and  arms  rigid) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Rises;  goes  to  NETTLETON) 
Good  Lord !  What  is  it,  now? 

[(CODDLES  goes  above  the  table  R.) 

NETTLETON.  Pathetic  business  for  divorce  pro- 
ceedings! For  benefit  of  counsel.  (Opens  the 
door  R.  i.  MRS.  NETTLETON  heard,  hysterical) 
Walk  in  and  get  a  line  on  it. 

(MRS.   NETTLETON  gives  a  piercing  shriek.) 

VANDERHOLT.  One  minute,  George.  How  about 
a  retainer? 

NETTLETON.  Retainer?  You  go  in  and  restrain 
her.  (VANDERHOLT  exits  laughing.  Closes  door. 
Noise  stops)  Coddles,  take  my  advice  and  remain 
a  maiden!  (Exits  R.  i.  MRS.  NETTLETON  does  not 
scream  this  time) 

CODDLES.     (CODDLES  looks  at  NETTLETON'S  re- 


142  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

treating  figure,  then  slowly  falls  backward  to  the 
floor.  At  length  pulling  herself  up  by  means  of  the 
table  stands  looking  out  front  with  a  dazed  expres- 
sion; pushes  the  hair  back  from  her  face;  breathes 
heavily)  Ho  dearie  me!  Ho  dearie!  Hi'd  rather 
do  the  cookin'  than  be  a-waitin'  h'on  a  lunytick! 
(Looks  L.  and  R.,  frightened,  as  if  expecting  the 
"Lunytick"  to  put  in  appearance  at  any  minute) 
Hi  wonder  now,  if  'e  caught  it  from  'er,  (Indicates 
the  different  parties  with  jerks  of  her  thumbs)  or 
hif  she  caught  it  from  'im?  ( JOHNS  dashes  on 
gaily  from  L.  i  with  a  water  bottle  and  a  bunch  of 
roses.  He  skips  to  R.,  hums  as  he  goes.  CODDLES 
retreats  a  step  or  two  up-stage,  calls  to  JOHNS  in 
alarm)  Don't  you  go  in  there,  Mr.  Boggs,  sir. 
Don't  you  do  it!  He'lJ  murder  you,  'e  will!  'E'll 
bash  you  on  the  'ead,  sir.  '£,'11 — (  JOHNS  stops  and 
grins  at  CODDLES) 

FLORENCE.  (Coming  downstairs  to  first  land- 
ing) Coddles!  You  go  back  to  the  kitchen  this 
minute — and  let  poor  Mr.  Boggs  alone, 

(JoHNS  puts  the  water  lag  on  the  table  R.) 

CODDLES.  (Backs  toward  the  door  L.  i)  Now 
don't  you  worrit,  Miss.  Don't  you  worrit.  I 
wouldn't  marry  that  lubby  headed  idiot — no,  not  if 
*e  was  willin'.  I  ain't  a-goin'  to  spend  my  'oney- 
moon  in  no  bloomin',  bally  bug  'ouse !  (Exits  L.  i) 

FLORENCE.  (FLORENCE  and  JOHNS  laugh. 
FLORENCE  comes  down  c.,  JOHNS  'joins  her;  gives 
her  the  roses)  Who  were  those  flowers  intended 
for— Nellie? 

JOHNS.  Partially.  I  thought  it  might  please  the 
master  if  he  knew  I  was  thinking  of  her.  (Grins) 

FLORENCE.  (Laughs)  Well,  stop  thinking  ol 
her  and  think  of  me. 

JOHNS,    (Eagerly)    I  am. 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  143 

FLORENCE.  No,  no,  no — I  mean  business.  (Put* 
the  flowers  on  the  table) 

JOHNS.     (Puts  out  his  arms  to  her)    So  do  I. 

FLORENCE.  (Shakes  her  finger  at  him)  Yes, 
but  not  that  kind.  T,  you've  got  to  make  George 
discharge  you. 

JOHNS.  (Bitterly}  I  can't.  The  contract  won't 
let  him.  If  he  throws  me  out  as  an  asset  I  come 
back  as  a  liability.  We  nailed  him  with  the  cologne, 
but  we  didn't  clinch  it. 

(FLORENCE  sits  on  settee.) 

FLORENCE.  Yes — I  see — (Turns  to  JOHNS 
quickly)  Let's  have  a  look  at  the  little  trouble 
maker.  (JOHNS  takes  the  atomiser  out  of  his 
pocket  and  hands  it  to  her.  She  looks  at  it  thought- 
fully)  My,  my,  my — and  such  a  little  thing !  (She 
sprays  herself  copiously) 

JOHNS.  (Stepping  back)  Good  Lord,  Florence, 
What  are  you  doing? 

FLORENCE.  (Smiles)  I'm  trying  to  become 
George's  little  co-respondent.  And  if  this  doesn't 
work  I  know  something  else  that  will. 

JOHNS,    What? 

FLORENCE.    It  depends  on  you. 

JOHNS.     How? 

FLORENCE.  Are  you  aware  of  the  fact  that  not 
ten  minutes  after  becoming  engaged  to  me,  you  sat 
down  deliberately  and  gambled  away  my  chance  o* 
being  married? 

JOHNS.  (Blankly)  Your  chances  of  bem<r  mav- 
ried? 

FLORENCE.  Yes.  What  do  you  think  I  grew  up 
for? 

JOHNS.  Oh,  but  Florence,  you  are  wrong.  What 
I  forfeited  was  only  myself — and  my  business. 

FLORENCE.  (Looks  at  him  sidezvays.  Smiles) 
You  don't  expect  me  tc  marry  a  butler,  do  you? 


144  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

JOHNS.  (Doesn't  know  just  how  to  take  it") 
Well,  no — I  don't!  (Turns  to  her.  Earnestly) 
What  do  you  want  me  to  do?  If  you'll  only  help 
me  out 

FLORENCE.  Ah,  that's  just  the  point;  like  every 
other  man  on  earth,  you  go  sailing  around,  on  your 
own  account,  till  you  land  in  the  fly  paper  with  all 
six  feet,  and  then  begin  buzzing  for  the  lady  of  the 
house  to  help  you  out.  (As  JOHNS  looks  at  her 
meekly)  And  suppose  I  do  help  you  out,  suppose 
I  forgive  you,  as  a  fool  of  a  woman  is  always  do- 
ing !  Suppose  I  put  you  back  in  your  office  where 
you  belong — suppose  I  do!  That's  the  point,  Mr. 
Blood  and  Brains !  What  do  /  get  out  of  it ! 

JOHNS.  (Solemnly)  Florence — you  get  any- 
thing I  own  on  earth — or  ever  hope  to  own. 

FLORENCE.    Be  careful,  T. 

JOHNS.  I  am.  Square  my  account;  first  with 
yourself  and  then  with  George,  and  whatever  you 
say  for  me  to  do — I'll  do  it. 

FLORENCE.    And  if  you  fail? 

JOHNS.  (Stands  at  attention)  I'll  be  your  but- 
ler for  the  rest  of  my  natural  life. 

FLORENCE.  (Laughs)  And  you'll  do  what  I  ask 
you  now? 

JOHNS.    I  will ! 

FLORENCE.  (Warningly)  Without  regard  to 
consequences?  You  swear? 

JOHNS.    I  swear. 

FLORENCE.    On  your  honor? 

JOHNS.  As  a  gen — (Looks  at  FLORENCE,  then 
stands  at  attention)  As  a  butler! 

FLORENCE.  All  right!  (Rises,  goes  to  JOHNS, 
puts  hands  on  his  shoulders,  rises  on  tiptoes  and 
whispers  in  his  ear,  then  steps  back,  clasps  his 
hands  and  looks  at  him) 

JOHNS.     (Happily)    What!    You  mean  it? 

FLORENCE.    Yes. 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  145 

JOHNS.    Are  you  sure? 

FLORENCE.    Of  course! 

JOHNS.  (Delighted)  Florence!  (Goes  to  her, 
flasps  her  wrist)  Then  don't  try  to  keep  me  off 
this  time,  because  you  haven't  the  strength! 
(Takes  her  to  the  settee,  sits,  then  pulls  her  on  his 
knee,  hugs  her,  she  protesting) 

FLORENCE.  (Tries  to  get  away,  does  not  make  a 
very  great  effort)  Don't,  T, — don't — please! 
(Glances  R.  and  L.)  Er — somebody  might  come  in ! 

JOHNS.  (Laughing  and  drawing  her  close)  Let 
them;  we'll  tell  them  where  to  go!  Come  on! 
Come  on !  (She  suddenly  withdraws  her  hands  and 
throws  her  arms  about  him;  they  rock  from  side  to 
side,  laughing) 

NETTLETON.  (Enters  from  R.  i,  stares  at  them 
in  amazement;  speaks  sharply)  Boggs!  {He 
looks  from  one  to  the  other  severely  as  they  both 
jump  up  and  face  him)  What's  the  meaning  of 
this? 

JOHNS.  (Tauntingly)  It  means,  sir,  (Goes  to 
the  door  L.  i,  turns)  that  for  the  second  time  in 
your  presence,  I  was  holding  my  lucky  queen! 
(Blows  a  kiss  to  FLORENCE  and  exits  L.  i) 

FLORENCE.  (Banteringly)  Good  evening, 
George !  You  seem  surprised  to  see  me. 

NETTLETON.  (Stiffly)  Yes,  Miss  Cole,  I  am! 
You  have  no  right  to  interfere  in  this  affair,  especi- 
ally in  my  house  1  And  you  have  no  right  to  help 
him  out! 

FLORENCE.  (Sweetly)  No  ?  And  what  are  you 
going  to  do  about  it?  (Smiles  at  him) 

NETTLETON.  Do?  (Strides  towards  her)  I'll 
tell  you  what  I'm — (He  leans  towards  her  and 
catches  the  scent  of  the  perfume,  stops  back  and 
loses  his  dignity,  laughs  foolishly,  goes  to  the  door 
R.  i,  catches  hold  of  the  knob,  pulls  on  it  as  if  to 
prevent  anyone  coming  out,  watches  FLORENCE  dis* 
trustfully) 


146  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

FLORENCE.  Why  don't  you  do  it,  George?  (Ai 
he  continues  to  look  at  her  suspiciously, — inno- 
cently as  she  smiles  sweetly  at  him}  Why,  what 
is  it? 

NETTLETON.  (Laughing  nervously)  Ha,  ha, 
nothing — only — ha,  ha,  well,  you  see — Nellie 

FLORENCE.  Oh  yes,  I  know,  T  told  me  she  was 
in  the  library — (Starts  to  R.)  I'll  run  right  in  and 
see  her. 

NETTLETON.  (Comes  a  few  steps  towards  her, 
stands  in  front  of  her,  cannot  conceal  his  agitation, 
looks  behind  him  as  though  fearing  NELLIE  would 
enter,  and  trys  to  keep  his  eye  on  FLORENCE  too) 
Oh,  no,  please!  I — er — wouldn't!  Not  just  now! 
She's  not  at  all  well,  Florence;  in  fact,  she's  ill — 
and  won't  be  able  to  appear  at  dinner.  (Passes  his 
handkerchief  over  his  forehead) 

FLORENCE.  (Pretending  sympathy')  Ah!  Too 
bad !  What  seems  to  be  the  trouble  ? 

NETTLETON.    Er — nerves! 

FLORENCE,  (Looking  at  him  steadily')  Nerves ! 
Good  gracious!  I  thought  the  trouble  was  with 
her  nose. 

NETTLETON.  (His  surprise  overcoming  his  other 
emotions)  Eh?  (Goes  to  her,  looks  at  her  sus- 
piciously) And  what  do  you  know  about  it? 

FLORENCE.  A  lot!  (Seriously)  Now,  look 
here,  George,  how  much  would  you  give  to  get 
out  of  this  mess — entirely  ? 

NETTLETON.  You  mean — all  of  it — Boggs  in- 
cluded? 

FLORENCE.  Boggs  included,  here.  But  suppose 
I  put  him  back  in  his  office,  where  you  need  him 
as  badly  as  he  needs  you.  Suppose  i  do  that,  Mr. 
Bone  and  Fat — what  is  it  worth — to  me? 

NETTLETON.  (Solemnly)  Florence — I'd  give  a 
thousand  dollars — cold.  Yes,  fifteen  hundred,  by 
Tuoiter!  I'd  give  two  thousand • 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  147 

FLORENCE.  (Laughing)  There,  there,  there! 
Stop  bidding  against  yourself.  I'll  take  your  first 
offer  of  a  thousand — in  the  form  of  a  little  wed- 
ding present — and  here's  a  little  something  to  keep 
you  from  forgetting  it.  (Sprays  the  cologne  in  his 
face,  starts  out  R.  i,  as  VANDERHOLT  enters f  she 
sprays  him  also,  and  exits) 

NETTLETON.  (Stands  sniffing  his  coat  sleeve, 
then  where  FLORENCE  has  sprayed  the  cologne. 
VANDERHOLT  sniffs  the  cologne  on  him,  then  VAN- 
DERHOLT and  NETTLETON  look  at  each  other  and 
nod)  Boggs!  I  knew  it!  Boggs!  That  poison- 
ous scorpion — that  wart — that  toad — that  grinning, 
chuckling,  chattering  ape.  (Doubles  his  fists  and 
starts  L.) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Crosses  to  c.)  Say,  George — 
(As  NETTLETON  turns  and  looks  at  him)  did  you 
notice  a  similarity  between  the  perfume  Florence  is 
using  and  the  one  on  your  coat  ? 

NETTLETON.  (Going  to  VANDERHOLT)  Yes  I 
'did!  And  that  devil  in  there  is  responsible  for  it. 
That  stump-tailed  serpent — that — (Goes  toward 
the  door  L.  i,  with  fists  clenched;  trying  to  get  a 
suitable  name  for  JOHNS) 

VANDERHOLT.    Who — T? 

NETTLETON.  (Comes  back  to  c.  to  explain  it  to 
VANDERHOLT)  He's  gone  beyond  his  contract  this 
time  and  I'm  going  to  sue  him  for  damages! 
(Starts  L.  again)  And  I'm  going  to  damage  him 
before  the  suit.  I'm 

VANDERHOLT.  Here !  Cut  that !  I'm  the  referee 
in  this  affair — you  leave  it  to  me — I'll  straighten 
you  out. 

NETTLETON.  {Comes  rapidly  back  to  VANDER- 
HOLT. In  angry  complaining  voice)  Straighten 
me  out?  Me?  Don't  you  know  yet  which  one  of 
us  is  the  crook?  And  if  you  can't  get  him 
legally 


I48  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Her  voice  heard  a  second  be* 
fore  she  enters  R.  i)  Where  is  he?  (Enters  from 
R.  i,  goes  to  L.  NETTLETON  makes  a  dash  for  the 
stairs.  VANDERHOLT  runs  above  the  table  R.) 
Where  is  he?  George!  Come  back  here;  I  don't 
mean  you.  I  mean  T  Johns.  How  dared  he  do 
such  a  thing  to  you  and  to  me  ?  Where  is  he  ? 

NETTLETON.  (Gaining  courage  when  he  finds 
ifs  not  he.  Comes  down  of  the  stage  a  bit)  Ah! 
Of  course  that's  different.  How  dared  he? 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Throws  the  door  L.  i  open; 
calls)  T  Johns  I  T  Johns !  Come  here ! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Goes  to  her;  tries  to  pacify  her) 
Nellie — please — if  you'd  only 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Turns  on  him  furiously. 
VANDERHOLT  retreats  quickly  to  R.  of  the  table  L. 
MRS.  NETTLETON  follows  to  front  of  the  setteet 
scolding)  And  you,  Mr.  Vanderholt,  I  never  un- 
derstood before  that  you  were  at  the  bottom  of  all 
this  trouble. 

(NETTLETON  comes  'down  on  a  line  with  them.) 

VANDERHOLT.     (Bewildered)    I? 
MRS.  NETTLETON.    Yes,  you ! 
NETTLETON.     (From  R.  of  VANDERHOLT.     Glad 
to  have  some  one  to  blame)    Yes,  you ! 

(VANDERHOLT  looks  at  him  reproachfully.     Tries 
to  explain  but  they  don't  give  him  a  chance. ) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  When  our  two  boys  were  get- 
ting along  so  happily  and  peacefully — 

NETTLETON.  (Vigorously  echoes  MRS.  NETTLE- 
TON  in  hope  of  squaring  himself)  And  peace- 
fully— 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Then  you  stepped  in  and  up- 
set everything! 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  149 

NETTLETON.    (Waving  his  arms}    Everything! 

(VANDERHOLT  looks  first  at  one  and  then  the  othet 
as  they  address  him,  -with  the  result  that  his 
head  turns  from  side  to  side  very  quickly. ) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  And  you  did  it  on  pur- 
pose  

NETTLETON.  With  malice  aforethought!  (NET- 
TLETON goes  up  c.  to  the  stairs) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  Just  to  charge  them  legaJ 
fees. 

VANDERHOLT.  (Protesting1}  Oh,  now,  Nellie; 
don't!  (FLORENCE  enters  R.  I,  stands  in  front  of 
the  table  R.)  They  had  been  going  it  for  two  years 
before  I  came  in.  Miss  Florence  knows  that.  I 
leave  it  to  her.  Now  am  I  the  one  to  be  made  re- 
sponsible? (Crosses  to  R.  c.) 

FLORENCE.  (Goes  to  VANDERHOLT,  shakes  finger 
at  him;  severely)  You  are! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.    There!    I  knew  it! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  '(Goes  to  VANDERHOLT,  scold- 
ing; she  is  followed  by  FLORENCE,  who  is  followed 
by  NETTLETON.  They  back  VANDERHOLT  to  above 
the  table  R.,  then  down  R.  to  the  door  R.  i,  leaving 
MRS.  NETTLETON  above  the  table  R.,  FLORENCE  next 
her,  just  left  of  MRS.  NETTLETON,  and  NETTLETON 
left  of  FLORENCE.  All  speak  at  once  until  CODDLES 
enters)  It  was  perfectly  horrid  of  you;  my  inno- 
cent husband,  who  called  you  his  best  friend;  and 
poor  old  T ! 

VANDERHOLT.  (With  the  rest,  holds  hands  in 
front  of  him  as  he  backs  away)  I  tell  you  it  wasn't 
my  fault.  I  was  only  trying  to  teach  them  a  valu- 
able lesson  they  both  needed. 

FLORENCE.  (At  the  same  time)  You  knew  al. 
the  time  just  what  sort  of  a  row  you  were  stirring 
up  and  deserve  everything  that's  coming  to  you. 


150  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

NETTLETON.  (Chimes  in)  You  saddled  me 
with  Boggs !  You  did  it  deliberately.  You  knew  in 
advance  just  what  he'd  do  to  me. 

VANDERHOLT.  (Raises  his  voice  above  the  rest) 
Here !  Here !  Stop  it !  Will  you  stop  it ! 

(CODDLES  comes  on  from  L.  I  with  a  tray  and  five 
cocktails,  places  tray  on  the  table,  and  tries  to 
get  out  L.  i  without  being  observed.  She  wears 
a  little  cap,  which  is  on  one  side. ) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Continues  rapidly)  I  never 
knew  a  poor  devil  yet  who  didn't  get  in  trouble 
when  he  tried  to  help  his  friends !  Now,  as  for  all 
this  useless  row 

NETTLETON.  (As  CODDLES  is  about  to  slip  out, 
shouts)  Coddles!  (CODDLES  gives  a  violent  start 
and  stopst  faces  NETTLETON,  shaking)  What's 
this  ?  Why  isn't  Boggs  serving  those  cocktails  ? 

CODDLES.  (Her  knees  knocking  against  each 
other;  speaks  in  a  high  nervous  voice)  'E  arsked 
me  to  do  it  for  'im,  sir ! 

NETTLETON.  (Raises  his  voice  angrily)  Oh! 
He  did! 

FLORENCE.    Don't  get  excited,  George ! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (At  the  same  time)  Darling, 
please! 

NETTLETON.  (Waves  at  them  to  be  quiet — 
speaks  sarcastically)  What  else  did  the  boss  of  the 
establishment  have  to  say? 

CODDLES.  (Measuring  the  distance  to  the  door 
L.  with  her  eye;  swallows)  'E  said  to  tell  you,  sir, 
that  if  you  didn't  like  it — you  could  charge  'im  up 
with  another  hundred  and  go  to  'ell — (Exits  L.  i) 

NETTLETON.  (Stands;  clenches  his  fists  and 
swears  silently  at  BOGGS)  All  right;  we'll  see  about 
it!  (Goes  up  and  presses  the  push  button) 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  George !  What  are  you  doinp 
now? 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES.  151 

NETTLETON.  I'm  ringing  for  Boggs;  if  he  don't 
come  in,  I'm  going  after  him  and  bring  him  in! 
(  BOGGS  appears  on  the  stairs  in  dress  clothes;  comes 
down  the  stairs  to  c.)  Boggs!  (Goes  down  R.) 
You  see  him,  Van;  he's  quitting!  He's  breaking 
his  contract.  He's — — 

JOHNS.  (Comes  down  c.,  takes  out  the  contract) 
I  want  to  tell  you  something  about  that  contract ! 

NETTLETON.  (Meets  JOHNS  c.)  Yes,  and  I 
want  to  '  ^11  you  something  about  that  contract ! 

JOHNS  and  NETTLETON.  (Pointing  at  each  other; 
holding  up  the  contracts  and  glaring  at  each  other) 
It  is  stated  in  that  contract 

FLORENCE.  (Laughs;  speaks  briskly)  Here, 
here,  here — stop  it !  There  isn't  any  contract ! 

(NETTLETON  and  JOHNS  look  at  her  and  an  expres- 
sion of  joy  overspreads  their  features.) 

NETTLETON.    (Almost  shouting  for  joy)    What? 

JOHNS.  (At  the  same  time,  same  tone)  What's 
that? 

FLORENCE.  (Beaming  on  them;  "brightly)  There 
never  was  any  contract! 

VANDERHOLT.  (Sharply,  as  he  goes  quickly  to 
the  side  of  NETTLETON.  MRS.  NETTLETON  comes 
down  R.)  Why  not! 

FLORENCE.  (Looks  steadily  at  VANDERHOLT) 
To  begin  with,  it  wasn't  legal !  (All  look  at  VAN- 
DERHOLT) 

VANDERHOLT.  (Crosses  front  of  NETTLETON  to 
side  of  FLORENCE;  NETTLETON  goes  up-stage  of 
VANDERHOLT  to  MRS.  NETTLETON;  they  smile  hope- 
fully at  each  other)  And  why  wasn't  it  legal  ? 

FLORENCE.  (As  all  watch  them  intently,  FLOR- 
ENCE speaks  swiftly,  earnestly,  and  to  the  point) 
Because  the  contract,  fundamentally,  was  based  on 
a  game  of  coker.  Now,  poker  is  gambling — (Slight 


152  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

pause — all  register — FLORENCE  raises  her  voice  fn- 
umphantly)  and  gambling  is  illegal ! 

NETTLETON.  (Wild  with  joy,  raises  his  voice  to 
stop  FLORENCE)  Eh? 

JOHNS.     (Same  time  with  NETTLETON)     Oh! 

MRS.  NETTLETON.  (Same  time  with  JOHNS  and 
NETTLETON,  with  a  great  sigh  of  relief)  George! 

VANDERHOLT.  Look  here,  Miss  Florence,  /  knew 
that;  but  how  in  the  name  of  glory  did  you  know? 

FLORENCE.  I  asked  a  lawyer  I  A  real  one !  (All 
burst  into  laughter;  VANDERHOLT  goes  up-stage 
laughing  above  the  table  L.  to  L.  of  same,  then 
down  L.  to  front  of  the  settee)  You  boys  had  a 
real  business  and  you've  made  a  farce  of  it,  but  now 
if  you  have  the  real  stuff  in  you,  you  can  make  it 
a  real  success. 

NETTLETON  and  JOHNS.  How?  (They  come 
close  to  FLORENCE) 

FLORENCE.  (Quickly,  as  she  smiles  at  them) 
it's  like  your  digestive  pill — depending  on  which  is 
the  more  important — the  outside  or  the  inside. 

NETTLETON.  (Nods  his  head  at  JOHNS;  speaks 
emphatically)  It's  partially  the  outside ! 

JOHNS.  (With  spirit)  It's  partially  the  inside! 
(The  partners  speak  together,  each  giving  the  other 
the  credit.  This  should  be  a  repetition  of  their  big 
quarrel  scene  in  the  first,  as  they  ad  lib,  each  one, 
tries  to  top  the  other  in  voice  until  FLORENCE  stops 
them) 

FLORENCE.  (Breaks  in,  holds  up  her  hand  for 
quiet)  It's  the  combination!  (Puts  their  hands 
together,  goes  back  of  JOHNS  to  L.  of  him) 

JOHNS.  (Laughs  heartily  as  a  thought  strikes 
him)  Say,  George;  what  I  said  about  Van  still 
goes. 

NETTLETON.  (Laughs  lightly  in  anticipation) 
What's  that? 

JOHNS.     (Laughs)    He's  a  hell  of  a  lawyer! 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES. 

(VANDERHOLT  sits  on  the  settee;  laughs.) 

CURTAIN. 

(Second  Curtain — NETTLETON  hands  MRS.  NET- 
TLETON  cocktail.  They  drink.  JOHNS  puts 
ring  on  FLORENCE'S  finger.  VANDERHOLT  powrt 
drink.) 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES 


/v*  (J        3: 

OL<     jo 


2 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES 


LJ 
X 

(/") "    ^ 

L-!    * 
O" 


156  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES 

DRESS 

T.  BOGGS  JOHNS  :   ACT  IST. 
Business  suit. 
Derby. 

Flower  in  button  hole. 
Clothes  of  a  sporty  character. 

ACT  2ND. 

Wears  side  whiskers 

Butler's  uniform,  LARGE  brass  buttons. 

ACT  3RD. 

Quick  change  to  dress  suit  just  before  the  finish 

of  the  Act. 

GEORGE  NETTLETON:    ACT  IST. 
Business  suit. 

ACT  2ND. 

Cut-away  coat. 

Silk  hat,  striped  trousers,  cane,  gloves,  and  etc. 

During  the  act  makes  quick  change  to  Tuxedo. 

His  sTOokine  jacket  and  slippers  are  on  stage 
when  he  makes  his  entrance.     (See  prop 
erty  plot  for  information  of  above) 

ACT  3RD. 

Business  suit. 

Soft  hat.     (This  hat  is  kicked  about) 

Overcoat.     (A  handkerchief  to  be  in  the  inside 

pocket  of  this  coat) 
T.  J.  VANDERHOLT:    ACT  IST. 

Business  suit. 

Derby,  gloves  and  etc. 

ACT  2ND. 

Tuxedo. 
Overcoat. 
Soft  hat,  and  etc. 
ACT  3RD. 
Business  suit. 
Overcoat  and  etc. 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES  *C7 

TONY  TOLER  :    ACT  IST. 

Business  suit,  cane,  flasnily  dressed,  flower  in 

button-hole  and  etc. 
MR.  APPLEGATE:    ACT  IST. 

Prince  Albert. 

Striped  trousers. 

Silk  hat. 

Flower  in  button-hole. 

Cane. 

Gray  hair. 
KROME:    ACT  IST. 

Business  suit. 
JIMMY:    ACT  IST. 

Boy's  suit. 

Loud  shirt  and  tie. 
SHIPPING  CLERK  :    ACT  IST. 

Shirt  Sleeves. 
FLORENCE  COLE:    ACT  IST. 

Walking  skirt. 

Everything  smart  and  up  to  the  minute 

ACT  2ND. 

Traveling  suit. 
ACT  3RD. 
Evening  dress. 
Cape,  gloves,  and  etc. 
MRS.  NETTLETON:    ACT  IST. 

Tailor  made  suit,  oloves  and  etc. 

ACT  2ND. 

Change  of  dress. 

During  the  act  change  is  made  to  evening  dress* 

Time  for  change  twelve  minutes. 
ACT  3RD. 

Change  of  evening  dress. 
CODDLES  :    ACT  2ND  and  3RD. 

Maid's  costume,  cap  and  etc. 

Extra  large  pair  of  shoes  that  turn  up  at  the  toez 


158  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES 

SALLY  PARKER:    ACT  IST. 
Smart  little  dress. 
White  waist. 
Sleeve  protectors,  of  paper. 


SCENE  AND  PROPERTY  PLOT 
ACT  I 

SCENE  REPRESENTS  : 

Offices  of  The  Eureka  Digestive  Pill  Company, 
New  York. 

Main  Entrance  to  office  u.  L.  door. 

Small  rail  and  swinging  gate  are  next  passed  to 
enter. 

Door,  L.  i  to  private  office  of  "  T.  BOGGS 
JOHNS,"  whose  name  appears  in  large  let- 
ters on  the  ground  glass,  which  occupies 
upper  half  of  door. 

Door,  u.  R.  to  "STOCK  ROOM,"  which  is 
lettered  on  ground  glass  on  upper  half  of 
door. 

Door,  R.  i  to  private  office  of  "  GEORGE  B. 
NETTLETON,"  which  appears  lettered  on 
ground  glass. 

Through  the  two  windows  at  the  back  appear 
views  of  skyscrapers  and  tree-tops  on  the 
back  drop. 

Green  shades  on  the  windows. 

OAK  panels  to  height  of  about  5  ft.  about 
room.  Wall  paper  above — a  tone  of  yellow. 

On  the  R.  wall,  two  pictures — unf  ramed — of  the 
partners. 

Between  the  pictures  just  above  the  wainscot- 
ing, is  an  advertisement  of  the  Pill  they  are 
"  pushing."  Calendar  on  the  wall.  Above 
the  partners  is  a  large  map  of  "  U.  S." 

Rear  wall  at  c.  is  Pill  Adv.  Calendar, 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES  159 

On  the  L.  wall,  is  large  clock.    A  framed  picture 

of  President  Wilson.    A  Pill  advertisement 

Ground  cloth  down  to  represent  polished  floor. 

NUMBERS  ON  GROUND  PLAN  REPRESENT. 

1.  Typewriter  desk,  with  typewriter,  swivel  chair J 

ON  DESK. — Plenty  of  typewriting  paper,  tele- 
graph blanks,  carbon  paper.  Stenographer's 
pad,  pencils,  ink  rubber.  Letter  file.  Spindle 
file,  with  papers  stuck  on  it.  Many  sheets  of 
paper  on  the  front  of  the  desk,  typed  and 
with  envelopes  on  the  tops  of  the  sheets,  all 
laid  in  a  row. 

2.  Mahogany  letter  cabinet. 

ON  CABINET. — Three  (3)  cardboard  letter  files, 

3.  Water  Cooler.    Glass  for  same. 

4.  Chair.    Cane  seat. 

5..  Book-keeper's  High  Desk.     (Cherry) 

ON  TOP  SHELF  OF  DESK. — Wire  letter  rack 
filled  with  letters  and  papers.  Ledger.  A 
large  piece  of  cardboard  the  size  of  a  news- 
paper, with  the  adv.  section  of  a  N.  Y.  paper 
pasted  on  one  side.  In  the  center  of  the  paper 
is  pasted  a  violet  colored  advertisement  of 
the  virtues  of  the  coloring  of  NETTLETON  and 
JOHNS'  PILL.  Size  about  4  ft.  x  5  ft.  (This 
is  referred  to  in  the  play  as  "  the  dummy." 
Ledger  and  letter  files.) 

ON  REAR  OF  DESK.— Wire  rack  filled  with  violet 
color  pill  boxes.  Six  (6)  letter  files  all  along 
the  rear  of  the  desk. 

ON  THE  DESK  PROPER. — Large  blotter.  Ink- 
stand, two  (2)  bottles  of  ink  in  same,  one  red 
and  other  black.  Pen  rack  and  pens.  Blot- 
ters and  erasers.  Large  ledger  on  c.  of  desk, 
open  with  several  printed  slips  in  same. 


I6o  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES 

Spindle  file  R.  with  bunch  of  papers  stuck  on 
it.  Telephone  on  the.  L.  of  desk.  Two  (2) 
N.  Y.  Telephone  books  hang  by  a  cord  on 
the  L.  side  of  desk.  Waste  paper  basket 
underneath  desk  half  filled. 
"A.  D.  T"  Call,  on  the  wall  between  desk 
and  door  R. 

6.  Brass  Hat  Rack. 

7.  High  Stool.     (Cherry) 

8.  Large  six  foot  Mahogany  Desk  (Flat  top). 

ON  DESK. — A  large  blotter  with  brass  corners 
at  c.  Ink-well,  stand  for  same.  Pen  racl-, 
and  pens.  Match  stand  and  matches.  (One 
match  to  be  fixed  in  the  stand  so  that  it  is 
higher  than  the  rest  in  order  that  it  can  be 
drawn  out  quickly  by  NETTLETON).  Ash 
receiver.  Bottle  of  library  paste,  with  water 
well  and  brush.  On  the  R.  up-stage  side  of 
the  desk,  a  wire  rack  filled  with  violet  pill 
boxes  full  of  violet  pills.  (These  boxes  to  be 
about  the  size  that  hold  50  pills  and  the  pills 
are  colored  bans.)  On  the  L.  up-stage  side 
side  of  the  desk,  is  a  ledger.  Space  open  for 
pack  of  playing  cards. 

CARDS  FIXED. — At  the  bottom  of  the  deck  is 
placed  the  six  of  diamonds,  on  top  of  this  is 
the  Queen  of  Hearts,  then  the  six  of  hearts, 
then  seven  cards  of  any  suit,  but  small  de- 
nomination, after  which  is  a  nine,  a  three,  an 
eight,  the  King  of  Hearts,  the  Jack  of  Hearts, 
the  Ace  of  Hearts,  and  the  four  of  spades,  on 
top  of  these  the  rest  of  the  deck.  An  elastic 
around  the  deck.  They  are  placed  back  of 
the  ledger,  out  of  sight  of  the  audience. 
"  Krome  "  changes  another  pack  of  them  later 
in  the  act.  Some  mail  on  the  c.  of  desk  and 
a  letter  opener. 

9.  Mahogany  chair.     (Office) 
8.  Mahogany  chair.     (Office) 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES  161 

10.  Mahogany  chair.    (Office) 

11.  Mahogany  chair.     (Office) 

12.  Mahogany  Desk.     (Roll  Top) 

ON  DESK. — Ledger,  open,  with  a  few  letters 
inside.  Ink-stand.  Ink-well.  Pens,  paper, 
twelve  inch  rule,  mail,  a  letter  for  "  Krome  " 
to  give  "  Jimmy." 

ON  TON  OF  DESK. — Three  stacks  of  Pills, 
pyramid  form. 

14.  Kitchen  chairs.    With  clean  sheets  on  them. 

15.  Prop  table. 

1 6.  Rosin  board. 

SIDE  PROPS 

ON  TABLE  NO.  15. 

FOR  "  JOHNS  ". — Two  bank  books.     Ring  box 

containing  ring  set  with  two  diamonds  and  a 

»nby. 

FOR  "  NEXT  ". — A  N.  Y.  newspaper. 
FOR    "JIMMY". — Two    letters,    one    ad.,    to 

"  Sally  ",  other  to  "  Krome  ".    A  package  for 

"  Krome." 
FOR  "  KROME  ". — Box  of  cigars  full  of  wooden 

ones,  and  two  real  ones. 
ON  CHAIR,  L.  i. — A  pack  of  playing  cards  to  be 

sent  to  "  Krome's "  room,  cards  to  match 

those  on  the  c.  desk. 
ON  CHAIR,  R.  i.     FOR  "JIMMY". — A  box  of 

cigars,  two  good  ones,  the  rest  wooden.    The 

two  good  cigars  in  this  box  must  be  a  different 

shape  from  those  in  the  box  L.  I. 
FOR  "  NETT  ". — A  bank  cheque. 

ACTS  II  and  III 

SCENE  REPRESENTS  : 

Home  of  Mr.  Nettleton.    New  York  City. 


162  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES 

Woodwork  is  WHITE. 

Stairs.    The  hand  rails  are  mahogany,  treads, 

white. 

On  the  walls  in  panels,  satin  damask. 
Large  oil  painting  over  the  mantel  L.,  in  shadow 

box,  gold  frame. 

ON  MANTEL. — Bronze  clock.  A  bronze  candle- 
stick at  each  end.  Two  photos  in  bronze 
frames. 

IN  FIREPLACE. — Brass  Andirons.  On  same  fire- 
log,  with  light  inside. 

BY  FIREPLACE. — Fire  tools  above  F.  p. 

Stairs  u.  c.  lead  off  L.    Red  carpet  on  stairs. 

Window  and  window  seat  u.  R.  On  the  win- 
dows are  silk  curtains  of  a  brown  tone,  and 
lace  curtains. 

The  windows  on  the  stairs  have  red  plush  cur- 
tains on  brass  rods,  and  a  view  of  the  street 
can  be  seen. 

On  arch  u.  R.  are  large  red  curtains — plush — on 
brass  rod. 

Red  carpet  covers  the  stage. 
I.  Console  table  (Adams)     Vase  of  carnations, 
two  books,  pictures,  silver  frames,  doilie. 

2.  Small  table.    Doilie,  vase  of  flowers,  magazines. 

3.  Adams  chair. 

4.  Small  "  pie  crust "  table.    Doilie.    Silver  tray. 
China  tray.    China  pitcher.    Sugar  bowl.    Cup 
and  saucer.    Spoons.    Cream  pitcher. 

5.  Arm  chair.    (Large) 

6.  Arm  chair. 

7.  Adams  table.    Two  books.    Ivory  paper  knife. 
S.  Small  table.    Doilie.    Four  books.    Lamp. 

9.  Adams  table.     (Glass  cover)  Doilie.    Pictures 
in    silver    frames.      TELEPHONE.      Lamp. 
Two  eve.  papers  (N.  Y.  papers) 

10.  Adams  chair. 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES  163 

11.  Kitchen  chairs.    Off-stage. 

12.  Settee. 

14.  Screen. 

15.  Prop,  table. 

16.  Window  seat.     Five  pillows.     Two  pots  of 
flowers.    Roses.    On  the  floor  in  front  of  win- 
dow seat,  three  pillows,  two  together  and  one 
on  top  of  them.    "  Van's  "  coat  is  thrown  here 
by  "  Johns  ".    Outside  of  the  window  is  a  sheet 
which     catches     "  Nettleton's "     coat     when 
"  Johns  "  throws  it  outside  the  window. 

JUST  ABOVE  THE  TABLE. — 
6.  Underneath  the  stage  carpet  are  placed  a  couple 

of  quilts  to  ease  "  Coddles  "  fall  in  the  last  act. 
NOTE :— Furniture  referred  to  is  of  the  "  Adam  " 

period. 

SIDE  PROPS 

A  backing  to  be  placed  off  L.  for  "  Nettleton's  " 
change  in  ACT  2.    In  backing  are  two  kitchen 
chairs  and  sheets,  hat  rack,  and  mirror. 
ON  TABLE  15. — 

FOR  "  JOHNS  ". — Silver  tray,  five  glasses,  de- 
canter of  cold  tea,  syphon.     (These  glasses 
are  'high-ball'  type.)     Small  towel. 
Wooden  tray  (handles),  two  cocktail  glasses, 
painted  to  look  as  though  they  held  cocktails. 
Dust  pan,  whisk  broom. 
Brass  coal  scuttle,  half  filled  with  coal,  this 
appearance  brought  about  by  false  bottom. 
Contract  for  "  Johns  ". 

FOR     "  CODDLES  ". — Three     letters     add.     to 
"  Johns  "  in  feminine  handwriting.    A  broom 
on  the  top  landing  of  stairs. 
ON  PROP  TABLE  OFF  R. 

FOR  "  NETT  ".—Cane. 

Red  book.    Small  note  book.    Pencil. 


164  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES 

Frame  of  three  cards,  two  sixes  and  the. 

Queen  of  Hearts,  the  last  mentioned  card, 

slightly  torn.    This  frame  is  wrapped  in  box 

and  tied  with  violet  ribbon. 

Feather  duster,  wrapped  tight. 

CONTRACT  IN  POCKET. 
FOR  "  FLORENCE  ". — Small  black  satchel. 
FOR  "  JOHNS  ".—Slippers  ("  Nettleton's) 

Smoking  Jacket. 

Bundle  of  laundry.      (Four  shirts  and  six 

collars) 
FOR  "  MRS.  NEXT  ". — Pocket-book,  telegram  in 

same.     Also  mirror  and  powder  puff. 
BELL  WORKS  FROM  u.  R. 

A  Small  wooden  hammer  to  be  placed  on 

chair  outside  door  R.  2.,  for  "  Van  "  to  hit 

the  door  with. 

ACT  III 

OFF  L.  i  ON  PROP  TABLE. 

FOR   "  JOHNS  ". — Tray   used   on   table — 4 — in 

Second  Act  with  china. 

Wooden  tray,  five  cocktail  glasses  with  cold 
tea. 

Hot  water  bag,  half-filled  with  hot  water. 

Bunch  of  red  roses. 

Feather  duster.     (One  used  in  Second  Act) 

Contract.     (Same  one  as  in  ACT  Two) 

Fountain  pen. 
ON  TOP  LANDING  OF  STAIRS  ON  CHAIR. — One 

pair  of  violet  colored  pajamas,  and  one  pair 

of  pink  pajamas. 
OFF  R.  ON  PROP  TABLE. — 

FOR  "  FLORENCE  ". — An  Atomizer,  wrapped  in 

paper. 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES  165 

FOR    "  NETTLETON  ". — Contract    used    in   ACT 

Two  ("  Nettleton  "  to  keep  this). 
ON  STAGE  CHANGES. — Nettleton's  slippers  to 

be  placed  in  the  fireplace  on  the  fender. 
ON  TABLE  9. — Portfolio  in  drawer,  in  same 

gray   paper.     Envelopes.     Decanter   stands 

from  Act  2 ;  tray,  etc. 

ON  TABLE  6. — Pair  of  sixes  and  Queen  in 
frame,  on  front  of  table. 
Ivory  paper  knife,  and  one  book. 
ON  TABLE  2. — Vase  from  mantel  containing  the 
violets  used  in  the  second  act  by  "  Florence  ". 
IMPORTANT. — Baize  to  be  swept  carefully  where 
glass  is  broken  in  the  second  act. 


ELECTRICAL  PLOT 
ACT  I 

(Office  Interior) 
AT  RISE. 

Footlights    2    Circuits    STRAW    I    Circuit 

AMBER,  FULL  UP 

Ceiling  border  2  Circuits  STRAW  I  Circuit 

AMBER,  FULL  UP 

Back  border   i    Circuit  STRAW   I   Circuit 

AMBER,  FULL  UP 

STRAW  Arcs  from  R.  and  L.  on  back  drop. 

AMBER  bunches  in  R.  i  E.,  R.  2  E.,  and  L.  I  E., 

L.  2  E., 

Three  2-light  brackets  NOT  PRAC. 
(One  between  windows  at  c.     One  between 

side  doors.) 
Two  bells  off-stage,  L.     (Must  have  different 

sounds.) 


166  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES 

Electric  wall  plate  switch  on  wall  below  L.  2  E. 
"  A.  D.  T."  Messenger  Call,  on  wall  between 

large  desk  and  door,  R.  2  E. 
0  Your  lights  stand  throughout  this  act" 

ACT  II 

(Handsome  Interior) 
AT  RISE. 

Footlights  FULL  UP 
Ceiling  border  FULL  UP 
Back  border  i  circuit  BLUE  FULL  UP. 
BLUE  Arcs  outside  window  u.  R.  and  win- 
dows u.  L. 
AMBER  bunnches  in  R.  I  E.,  R.  2  E.,  and  on 

cfo  1t*Q 

Three,  2-light  brackets,  PRAC.     Pink  silk 

shades.    AMBER  globes. 
(One  above  the  mantel  L.,  one  below.    One 

between  the  two  doors  on  the  R.  wall.) 
One  brass  lamp,  AMBER  globe,  on  table  8, 

PRAC. 
One  lamp  on  table  9.     PRAC.     Mahogany 

stand,  PINK  silk  shade. 
Desk  telephone  instrument  on  table  9. 
PRAC.  telephone  bell  box  placed  back  of 

screen  14,  to  be  worked  from  the  fireplace, 

L.  2. 

Electric  door  bell,  off-stage,  R. 

"All    Brackets    and    table    lamps    lighted 

throughout  Acts  II  and  III." 
"  your  lights  stand  throughout  this  act." 

ACT  III 

(Same  as  Act  II.) 
AT  RISE. 

All  lights  the  same  as  in  Act  II. 

"Your  lights  stand  throughout  this  act." 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES  10? 

CUE  PLOT 

ACTS  I,  II,  AND  III. 

ACT  I 

1  Door  slam  on  first  exit  of  Nettleton  R.  I. 

NETTLETON 

"  System,  do  you  get  me  ?    System !  " 
(The  door  is  then  held  slightly  ajar  until  the  next 
slam) 

2  JOHNS 
"  What  he  doesn't  know  " 
Slam  the  door  R.  I. 

3  JOHNS 

"  You  do  it  my  way  or  I'll  discharge  you  " 
Door  slam  L.  i  as  Johns  exits. 

4  SALLY 
"  You  looked  so  funny  " 

Buzzer  off  right  followed  by  bell  they  ring  con- 
tinuously until 

SALLY 

"  Which  one  rang  first  ?  " 
Buzzer  and  bell  stop. 

KROME 

"  Neither  it  was  both  at  once  " 
Buzzer  right  until 

SALLY 

"  if  I  go  to  Mr.  Nettleton  " 
As  Sally  is  within  a  few  feet  of  the  door  right— -. 
Bell  left,  until— 

SALLY 

"  if  I  go  to  Mr.  Johns  " 
As  Sally  reaches  left  center  the  bell  stops  and 

buzzer,  right,  sounds. 
As  Sally  starts  back  to  right,  the  bell  rings  again, 


168  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES 

then  both  the  bell  and  the  buzzer  ring  until—* 
KROME 

"  That  will  make  you  laugh  " 

Bell  and  Buzzer  stop. 

5  NETTLETON 
"  head  of  the  firm.    Bah! 

SALLY 
Bah! 

As  Sally  exits  quickly  R.  I  after  Nettleton. 
Door  slam  right  first. 

6  JOHNS 
"  I  did  " 

NETTLETON 
"  Bah  " 

JOHNS 
"  Bah  " 

As  the  partners  exit  right  first  and  left  first  the 
doors  left  first  and  right  first  are  slammed  hard. 

7  NETTLETON 
"  Napoleons  valuable  time  " 

Slam  right  first  as  Nettleton  exits. 

8  FLORENCE 
"  I'll  risk  it  here,  quick !  " 

As  Jimmy  runs  out  up  right  door  is  slammed  hard. 

9  JOHNS 
"The  bone  and  fat" 

The  door  left  first  is  slammed  hard  as  John  exits, 

jo  JOHNS 

"  Mut " 

NETTLETON 
"What?" 

JOHNS 
"Tut,  tut" 

The  door  right  first  and  left  first  are  slammed 
hard  as  Johns  and  Nettleton  exit  left  and  right. 
II  JOHNS 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES  169 

"  Devil  chasers  " 

NETTLETON 
"  Bah  " 

Doors  left  first  and  right  first  are  slammed  hard 
as  Johns  and  Nettleton  exit  left  and  right. 


ACT  II 

1  CODDLES 
"  H'm  in  the  kitchen !  " 

Door  slam  left  first  as  Coddles  exits. 

2  NETTLETON 
"  Remember  the  contract  " 
Door  bell  off  right. 

3  NETTLETON 
"  With  such  a  trivial  matter  " 

Door  bell  off  right. 

Nettleton  to  be  notified  where  frame  (of  cards) 
is  knocked  to  by  Johns. 

4  NETTLETON 
"  All  right  I  won't " 

Door  bell  off  right, 
c  NETTLETON 

"  Clear  out " 
Door  bell  off  right. 

e 

As  Johns  exits  left  after  the  above  bell,  door  slam. 

7 

Florence  is  warned  in  time  to  laugh  off-stage  when 
Johns  places  the  coal  scuttle  by  the  fireplace. 

8  CODDLES 

"  On  the  head  with  a  hatchet  " 
Door  slam  on  Coddles'  exit  left  first  and  door  bell 
off  right. 

9  JOHNS 


i;o  A  PAIR  OF  SIXES 

"  Written  on  the  eighteenth  and  this  the  twentv- 
f  ourth  " 

Door  bell  off  right. 
10 

When  Johns  goes  on  from  left  first  with  the  tray 
of  cocktails,  door  is  left  open  (Held  open)  until 
he  exits  with  the  tray,  then  closed.  He  enters 
again  at  once,  the  door  is  opened  for  him  and 
held  open  until  he  exits  again,  then  slammed. 
At  this  point  the  door  must  not  be  slammed  too 
hard. 

ACT  III 

1  Door  left  first  to  be  opened  for  Johns  at  rise. 

2  CODDLES 

"  The  liberty  of  speaking  to  him  " 

Door  left  first  is  slammed  hard  as  Coddles  exits. 

3  NETTLETON 
"  Oh  but  darling  " 

Phone  rings  twice. 

(Phone  is  worked  from  off  left  and  watched  through 
the  fireplace) 

4  NETTLETON 

"  Nellie  for  heavens  sake,  don't  " 

As  Nettleton  kneels  by  Mrs.  Nettleton  ring  phone. 

Phone  continues  to  ring  until  Nettleton  crawls 

towards  it,  as  he  is  within  a  few  feet  of  phone, 

STOP. 
Nettleton  crawls  back  to  Mrs.  Nettleton. 

NETTLETON 

"  Won't  you  even  look  at  me  " 
Phone  rings  again,  continues  ringing  until  Johns 

opens  the  door  up  right. 

5  MRS.  NETTLETON 
0  The  poor  old  telephone  " 


A  PAIR  OF  SIXES  ijl 

Door   bell    rings,    which    continues    until    Johns 

opens  the  door  up  right. 
6 
As  Johns  enters  to  answer  the  above  bell,  the  door 

left  first  is  held  open  and  when  he  runs  off,  it 

is  slammed  as  hard  as  possible. 

7 

Door  is  held  open  when  Coddles  goes  on  with 

cocktails  the  last  part  of  act,  as  she  exits  after 
this  door  left  first  is  slammed  hard. 


DULCY 

Comedy  in  3  acts.  By  George  Kaufman  and  Marc  Con- 
nelly. Produced  originally  at  the  Frazee  Theatre,  New 
York.  8  males,  3  females,  i  interior  scene  throughout. 
Modern  costumes. 

Dulcy  is  a  bride.  Her  other  name  is  Smith.  In  her  determination 
to  be  helpful  to  her  husband  and  her  friends,  she  plans  a  week-end 
party  at  her  home  not  far  from  New  York.  They  are  an  ill-assorted 
group,  such  as  only  a  Dulcinea  could  summon  about  her.  The  three 
acts  reveal  them  just  before  and  after  dinner  on  the  evening  of  their 
arrival  and  on  the  following  morning.  Their  brief  association  becomes 
an  unbroken  series  of  hilarious  tragedies.  Meanwhile  she  has  all  but 
ruined  her  husband's  plans  to  put  through  an  important  business 
merger  with  a  rich  capitalist.  Among  her  guests  is  a  rapturous  scenario 
writer  who  conspires  to  elope  with  the  daughter  of  the  capitalist,  who 
loathes  motion  pictures.  The  plausible  rich  young  man  from  Newport, 
whom  Dulcy  invites,  turns  out  to  be  a  harmless  escaped  lunatic.  The 
ex-convict,  whom  she  has  employed  as  a  butler  in  her  work  of  social 
uplift,  steals  a  diamond  necklace  belonging  to  one  of  the  guests. 
Everything  goes  wrong,  including  the  bridge,  the  golf  and  the  bil- 
liards— the  last  because  Dulcy  has  disturbed  the  level  of  the  table 
and  misplaced  the  ivory  balls.  But  the  most  exquisite  torture  she  in- 
flicts upon  her  hapless  guests  is  when  she  invites  the  scenario  writer  to 
recite  one  of  his  hectic  plots  to  interpretative  music  played  at  the 
piano  by  the  lunatic.  It  is  with  this  experience  of  Dulcy's  bored  guests 
that  the  play  reaches  its  highest  level  of  satirical  fun.  It  is  Dulcy'* 
final  blunder  which  unexpectedly  crowns  all  her  mistaken  efforts  with 
success.  A  comedy  of  spontaneous  mirth. 

(Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.)  PRICE  75  CENTS. 


LOVE-IN-A-MIST 

Play  in  3  acts.  By  Amelie  Rives  (Princess  Troubetz- 
koy)  and  Gilbert  Emery.  3  males,  4  females,  i  interior. 
Modern  costumes. 

This  is  an  especially  interesting  character  study  written  by  the 
accomplished  author  of  "Tarnish"  and  the  celebrated  novelist  who 
wrote  "The  Quick  and  the  Dead."  The  chief  character  in  this  play 
is  a  charming  society  woman  who  consistently,  though  with  the  best 
motives,  tells  lies.  Her  incessant  lying,  especially  to  the  man  she 
loves,  brings  far  more  pain  than  if  she  had  always  told  the  truth. 
Eventually,  however,  Diana  sees  the  error  of  her  ways  and  will  (per- 
haps) reform  after  she  marries  the  man  she  is  in  love  with.  While 
there  is  plenty  of  comedy,  the  play  contains  a  generous  share  of  strik- 
ing dramatic  situations.  A  play  for  advanced  amateurs. 

(Royalty,  fifty  dollars.)   PRICE  75  CENTS. 


THE  FAMILY  UPSTAIRS 

Comedy  of  American  life  in  3  acts.  By  Harry  Delf. 
Produced  originally  by  Sam  H.  Harris  at  the  Gaiety 
Theatre,  New  York.  4  males,  y  females,  i  interior.  Mod- 
ern costumes. 

Joe  Heller  is  a  street-car  inspector  on  $42.50  a  week.  Louise  is 
his  eldest  daughter,  an  office  worker,  now  aged  twenty-one  who 
hasn't  managed  to  land  a  husband  yet.  Her  mother's  one  anxiety 
is  to  get  her  properly  married,  while  father's  ambition  is  to  get 
his  son,  Willie,  to  work.  Sister  Annabelle,  the  "kid  sister"  of  the 
family,  has  one  passion,  and  that  is  getting  out  of  doing  her  piano 
lessons.  It  is  a  typical  average  American  home  that  we  look  into: 
Annabelle  practising  on  the  tin-panny  piano,  Willie  making  a  tele- 
phone date  with  a  girl  friend,  father  coming  home  from  work  in 
his  uniform,  fagged  out,  mother  bossing,  Annabelle's  playing,  every- 
one wanting  dinner,  and  so  forth.  Charles  Grant  comes  to  call  on 
Louise  and  after  embarrassed  introductions  all  around,  he  is  left 
alone  with  her.  They  ar«  in  love  with  each  other,  and  before  the 
evening  is  out  they  are  engaged.  But  mother  puts  her  finger  into  the 
domestic  pie.  She  tells  the  neighbors  what  a  wonderful  fellow  Louise 
has  won  and  that  he  is  a  big  banker  (in  reality  he  is  making  $40 
a  week).  And  the  game  of  bluff  goes  on.  Having  heard  all  this 
"propaganda,"  Grant  begins  to  wonder  what  sort  of  a  family  he  is 
getting  into.  There  is  an  unhappy  half-hour  when  the  engagement 
seems  to  be  off,  and  then  Grant's  mother  appears  on  the  scene.  Mrs. 
Grant  is  just  the  bluffer  that  Mrs.  Heller  is,  and  both  see  through 
all  the  bluffs  and  discount  them.  Everything  ends  happily. 

(Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.)    PRICE  7j   CENTS. 


'A  FULL  HOUSE 

A  farcical  comedy  in  3  acts.  By  Fred  Jackson.  7  males, 
7  females,  i  interior  scene.  Modern  costumes. 

Imagine  a  reckless  and  wealthy  youth  who  writes  ardent  love 
letters,  an  attorney  brother-in-law  who  steals  them  and  then  gets  his 
hand  bag  mixed  up  with  the  grip  of  a  burglar  who  has  just  stolen 
a  valuable  necklace  from  the  mother  of  the  indiscreet  youth,  and 
the  efforts  of  the  crook  to  recover  his  plunder,  as  incidents  in  the 
story  of  a  play  in  which  the  swiftness  of  the  action  never  halts 
for  an  instant.  Not  only  are  the  situations  screamingly  funny  but 
the  lines  themselves  hold  a  fund  of  humor. 

"Uncorks  a  laugh   a  second."  N.   Y.  Press. 

"Hustling,  bustling,  reckless  fun."  N.  Y.  American. 

(Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.)  PRICE  75  CENTS. 


KEMPY 

A  delightful  comedy  in  3  acts.  By  J.  C.  Nugent  and 
Elliott  Nugent.  Produced  originally  at  the  Belmont  Thea- 
tre in  New  York.  4  males,  4  females,  i  interior  through- 
out. Modern  costumes. 

The  story  is  about  a  highfalutin  daughter  who  in  a  fit  of  pique 
marries  the  young  plumber-architect,  who  comes  to  fix  the  water 
pipe  in  the  house,  just  because  he  "understands"  her,  haying  read 
her  book  and  having  sworn  to  marry  the  authoress.  But  in  that 
story  lies  all  the  humor  that  kept  the  audience  laughing  every 
moment  of  the  time. 

"A  delightful  comedy."  N.  Y.  Evening  World. 

"I  am  always  thankful  for  a  laugh,  and  therefor*  I  acknowledge 
a  sense  of  gratitude  to  'Kempy.'  "  N.  Y.  American. 

"Taken  by  surprise  the  audience  laughed  until  it  cried."  N.  Y. 
Journal. 

"Proved  to  be  one  of  the  most  amusing  plays  of  the  season." 
N.  Y.  World. 

(Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.)  PRICE  7j  CENTS. 


NOTHING  BUT  THE  TRUTH 

Comedy  in  3  acts.  By  James  Montgomery.  Produced 
originally  at  the  Longacre  Theatre,  New  York,  y  males,  6 
females.  2  interior  scenes.  Modern  costumes. 

"Nothing  But  the  Truth"  is  built  upon  the  simple  idea  of  its 
hero  speaking  nothing  but  the  absolute  truth  for  a  stated  period. 
He  bets  a  friend  ten  thousand  dollars  that  he  can  do  it,  and  boldly 
tackles  truth  to  win  the  money.  For  a  very  short  time  the  task  is 
placidly  easy,  but  Truth  routs  out  old  man  Trouble  and  then  things 
begin  to  happen.  Trouble  doesn't  seem  very  large  and  aggressive  when 
he  first  pokes  his  nose  into  the  noble  resolve  of  our  hero,  but  he 
grows  rapidly  and  soon  we  see  our  dealer  in  truth  disrupting  the  do- 
mestic relations  of  his  partner.  In  fact,  Trouble  works  overtime,  and 
reputations  that  have  been  unblemished  are  smirched.  Situations  that 
are  absurd  and  complications  almost  knotted,  pile  up,  all  credited  to 
truth,  and  the  result  of  the  wager  to  foster  and  cherish  that  great 
virtue  from  the  lips  of  the  man  who  has  espoused  the  cause  of  truth 
to  win  a  wager. 

It  is  a  novel  idea  and  so  well  has  it  been  worked  out  that  an  audience 
is  kept  in  throes  of  laughter  at  the  seemingly  impossible  task  {o  un- 
tangle snarls  into  which  our  hero  has  involved  all  those  he  comes  in 
contact  with.  It  is  a  clean  bright  farce  of  well  drawn  characters  and 
was  built  for  laughter  purposes  only. 

(Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.)  PRICE  7j  CENTS. 


BUNTY  PULLS  THE  STRINGS 

A  comedy  in  3  acts.  By  Graham  Moffat.  Produced 
originally  at  the  Comedy  Theatre,  New  York.  5  males, 
5  females,  i  interior,  i  exterior.  Modern  costumes. 

The  story  told  with  naive  humor,  concerns  the  fortunes  of  half 
a  dozen  middle-class  Scotch.  The  marrying  Scotch  ladies  have  their 
keen  sense  of  the  material  side  of  the  matrimonial  bargain.  The 
Scotch  men  are  also  practical.  But  Bunty  is  the  canniest  of  the  lot. 
Bunty's  father,  a  pillar  of  the  kirk,  has  been  somewhat  irregular 
in  connection  with  a  trust  fund  given  to  him  by  Miss  Susie  Simpson, 
a  vinegary  spinster.  She  has  suspicions  and  boldly  suggests  marriage 
as  an  alternative  to  an  accounting.  Meanwhile,  Helen  Dunlop,  whom 
Bunty's  parent  had  jilted  twenty-five  years  before,  turns  up.  Susie 
suspects  that  there  may  be  a  reawakening  of  sentiment,  and  Sunday 
morning  she  makes  a  scene  in  front  of  the  kirk,  and  accuses  Bunty's 
father  of  the  theft.  The  undaunted  daughter  proves  her  ability. 
She  promises  payment  the  following  day  and  this  is  accomplished 
with  money  that  her  fiance,  William  Sprunt,  has  saved  for  their 
marriage.  Then,  having  side-tracked  the  repellent  Susie,  Bunty  ar- 
ranges for  the  marriage  of  her  father  and  the  long  abandoned  Helen. 
And  all  the  while  Bunty's  own  interests  are  not  overlooked.  Her 
own  wedding  day  has  been  carefully  fixed,  and  on  her  own  terms. 

(Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.)  PRICE  75  CENTS. 


'APPLESAUCE 

Comedy  in  3  acts.  By  Barry  Conners.  Produced  origi- 
nally by  Richard  Herndon  at  the  Ambassador  Theatre, 
New  York.  4  males,  3  females.  2  interiors.  Modern  cos- 
tumes. 

Bill  McAllister  was  that  serene  and  envied  type  of  youth  who  could 
get  along  quite  well  without  working.  His  chief  stock-in-trade 
"applesauce"  manages  to  get  for  him  all  the  essentials  of  life,  even 
a  girl.  The  main  obstacle  for  Bill  to  overcome  is  the  fact  that  Hazel 
is  engaged  to  be  married  to  Rollo  Jenkins,  an  industrious  young 
man  who  looks  carefully  at  every  penny  before  he  spends  it. 

Obstacle  number  two  is  in  the  form  of  Hazel's  father  who 
happens  to  be  well  pleased  with  Rollo.  As  might  be  gathered  Rollo 
and  Hazel  have  a  spat  about  Bill  with  the  result  that  the  spreader 
of  a  little  sunshine  wins  the  girl.  There  is  an  extremely  funny  scene 
in  which  Bill  plays  up  the  enormous  cost  of  married  life  and  talks 
Rollo  right  out  of  his  engagement.  He  marries  the  girl  with  just 
$6  in  his  pocket  and  the  firm  belief  that  two  can  live  as  cheaply 
as  one,  for  talk  is  cheap  and  Bill  is  no  lazy  linguist. 

(Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.)  PRICE  7$  CENTS. 


THE  BAT 

A  mystery  play  in  3  acts.  By  Mary  Roberts  Rinehart 
and  Avery  Hopwood.  Produced  originally  at  the  Morosco 
Theatre,  New  York.  7  males,  3  females,  z  interior  scenes. 
Modern  costumes. 

Miss  Cornelia  Van  Gorder,  a  maiden  lady  of  sixty,  has  leased  as  a 
restorative  for  frayed  nerves,  a  Long  Island  country  house.  It  had 
been  the  property  of  a  New  York  financier  who  had  disappeared 
coincidentally  with  the  looting  of  his  bank.  His  cashier,  who  is 
secretly  engaged  to  marry  Miss  Van  Gorder's  niece,  is  suspected  of 
the  defalcation  and  is  a  fugitive.  The  new  occupants  believe  the 
place  to  be  haunted.  Strange  sounds  and  manifestations  first  strengthen 
this  conviction  but  presently  lead  them  to  suspect  that  the  happen- 
ings are  mysteriously  connected  with  the  bank  robbery.  Any  sensible 
woman  would  have  moved  to  the  nearest  neighbors  for  the  night  and 
returned  to  the  city  next  day.  But  Miss  Van  Gorder  decided  to  re- 
main and  solve  the  mystery.  She  sends  for  detectives  and  then  things 
begin  to  happen.  At  one  time  or  another  every  member  of  the  house- 
hold is  suspected  of  the  theft.  The  audience  is  kept  running  up  blind 
alleys,  falling  into  hidden  pitfalls,  and  darting  around  treacherous 
corners.  A  genuine  thriller  guaranteed  to  divert  any  audience. 

(Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.)    PRICE  7;   CENTS. 


THE  HAUNTED  HOUSE 

Comedy  in  3  acts.  By  Owen  Davis.  Produced  originally 
at  the  George  M.  Cohan  Theatre,  New  York.  8  males, 
3  females,  i  interior.  Modern  costumes. 

A  newly  married  couple  arrive  to  spend  their  honeymoon  in  a 
summer  cottage  owned  by  the  girl's  father,  who  has  begged  them 
not  to  go  there,  because  he  claims  the  house  is  haunted.  Almost 
immediately  after  their  arrival,  strange  sounds  are  heard  in  the  house. 
The  bride  leaves  the  room  for  a  few  moments  and  when  she  re- 
turns, her  husband  is  talking  very  confidentially  to  a  young  woman, 
who  he  claims  has  had  trouble  with  her  axitomobile  down  the  road, 
and  he  goes  out  to  assist  her.  But  when  he  comes  back,  his  wife's 
suspicions  force  him  to  confess  that  the  girl  is  an  old  sweetheart  of 
his.  The  girl  is  subsequently  reported  murdered,  and  the  bride  be- 
lieves her  husband  has  committed  the  crime.  A  neighbor,  who  is  an 
author  of  detective  stories,  attempts  to  solve  the  murder,  meantime 
calling  in  a  prominent  New  York  detective  who  is  vacationing  in 
the  town.  As  they  proceed,  everyone  in  the  action  becomes  involved. 
But  the  whole  thing  terminates  in  a  laugh,  with  the  most  uproarious 
and  unexpected  conclusion  imaginable. 

(Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.)   PRICE  7;  CENTS. 


A    000107475     6 
COME  OUT  OF  THE  KITCHEN 

A  charming  comedy  in  3  acts.  Adapted  by  A.  E. 
Thomas  from  the  story  of  the  same  name  by  Alice  Duer 
Miller.  Produced  originally  by  Henry  Miller  at  the  Cohan 
Theatre,  New  York.  6  males,  y  females.  3  interior  scenes. 
Modern  costumes. 

The  story  is  written  around  a  Virginia  family  of  the  old  aristoc- 
racy, who,  finding  themselves  temporarily  embarrassed,  decide  to 
rent  their  home  to  a  rich  Yankee.  The  lease  stipulated  that  a  competent 
staff  of  white  servants  should  be  engaged,  and  one  of  the  daughters  of 
the  family  conceives  the  mad-cap  idea  that  she,  her  sister  and  their 
two  brothers  shall  act  as  the  domestic  staff.  Olivia  who  is  the  ring- 
leader in  the  merry  scheme,  elects  to  preside  over  the  destinies  of  the 
kitchen.  When  Burton  Crane  arrives  from  the  North,  accompanied 
by  Mrs.  Falkener,  her  daughter  and  Crane's  attorney,  Tucker,  they 
find  the  staff  of  servants  to  possess  so  many  methods  of  behavior  out 
of  the  ordinary  that  amusing  complications  begin  to  arise  immediately. 
Olivia's  charm  and  beauty  impress  Crane  above  everything  else  and 
the  merry  story  continues  through  a  maze  of  delightful  incidents 
until  the  real  identity  of  the  heroine  is  finally  disclosed,  but  not 
until  Crane  has  professed  his  love  for  his  charming  cook,  and  the 
play  ends  with  the  brightest  prospects  of  happiness  for  these  two 
young  people. 

(Royalty,  twenty-five  dollar*.)  PRICE  75  CENTS. 


JONESY 

Comedy  in  3  acts.  By  Anne  Morrison  and  John  Peter 
Toohey.  Produced  originally  by  Earl  Boothe  at  the  Bijou 
Theatre,  New  York.  8  males,  5  females,  i  interior.  Mod- 
ern costumes. 

The  "Jonesy"  of  the  title  is  Wilbur  Jones,  who  comes  home 
from  college  bringing  a  fraternity  brother  with  him.  Engaged  to 
the  girl  next  door,  his  vagrant  fancy  is  attracted  by  the  inge'nue 
of  the  local  stock  company.  His  father  and  mother  assume  that 
he  is  trying  to  elope  with  the  actress,  and  try  to  save  him.  Before 
they  discover  that  the  girl  is  the  niece  of  their  most  influential 
townsman,  the  man  from  whom  senior  Jones  hopes  to  get  a  good 
job,  they  have  let  themselves  in  for  many  embarrassing  complica- 
tions. With  this  matter  reasonably  adjusted,  they  make  the  further 
discovery  that  their  son  has  sold  the  family  car  to  pay  his  poker 
debts  and  when  the  father  attempts  to  recover  the  car  he  gets  him- 
self arrested.  Many  humorous  complications  arise  that  unravel  them- 
selves into  a  happy  ending. 

(Royalty,  twenty-five  dollars.)   PRICE  75  CENTS. 


FRENCH'S 
Standard  Library  Edition 


Includes 
Philip  Barry 
Sidney  Howard 
George  Kaufman 
Harley  QranviIle»Bark«r 
The  Capeks 
Phil  Dunning 
George  Abbott 
Dorothy  Parker 
Ferenc  Molnar 
Hatcher  Hughes 
A  very  Hopwood 
Ring  Lardner 
Tom  Gushing 
Elmer  Rice 
Maxwell  Anderson 
The  Quinteros 
Lynn  Riggs 
Susan  Glaspell 
Rose  Pranken 
John  van  Druten 
Benn  W.  Levy 
Martha  Stanley 
John  Golden 
Don  Marquis 
Beulah  Marie  Dlx 
Zona  Gale 
Alfred  Kreymborg 
P.  G.  VVodehouse 
Noel  Coward 
Ian  Hay 
J.  B.  Priestly 
Mary  Roberts  Rlnebart 
Ashley  Dukes 
George  M.  Cohan 
Augustus  Thomas 
Wincheli  Smith 
William  Gillette 
Frank  Craven 
Owen  Davis 
Austin  Strong 
A.  A.  Milne 
Harriet  Ford 
Paul  Green 
James  Montgomery 
Edward  Childs  Carpenter 
Arthur  Richman 
George  Middleton 
Channing  Pollock 
George  Kaufman 
Martin  Flavin 
Victor  Mapes 
Kate  Douglas  Wlggln 
Rol  Cooper  Megrue 
Jean  Webster 
George  Broadhurst 
Madeline  Lucette  Ryley 


Plays  by 

Fred  Ballard 

Percy  MacKaye 

WHIard  Mack 

Jerome  K.  Jerome 

Mark  Swan 

Rachel  Crothers 

W.  W.  Jacobs 

Ernest  Denny 

Kenyon  Nicholson 

Edgar  Selwyn 

Laurence  Housman 

Israel  Zangwill 

Walter  Hackett 

A.  E.  Thomas 

Edna  Ferber 

Justin  Huntley  McCarthy 

Frederick  Lonsdale 

Rex  Beach 

Paul  Armstrong 

George  Kelly 

Booth  Tarkington 

George  Ade 

J.  C.  and  Elliott  Nugent 

Barry  Conners 

Edith  Ellis 

Harold  Brighouse 

Harvey  J.  O'HIggins 

Clare  Kummer 

James  Forbes 

William  C.  DeMille 

Louis  N.  Parker 

Lewis  Beach 

Guy  Bolton 

Edward  E.  Rose 

Marc  Connelly 

Lynn  Starling 

Josephine  Preston  Peabody 

Catherine  Chisholm  Cushing 

Clyde  Fitch 

Earl  Derr  Biggers 

Thomas  Broadhurst 

Charles  Klein 

Bayard  Veiller 

C.  Haddon  Chambers 

Richard  Harding  Davis 

Robert  H  ou.su  m 

Salisbury  Field 

Leo  Dietrichtstein 

Eden  Phillpotts 

Sir  Arthur  Conan  Doyle 

Brandon  Tynan 

Clayton  Hamilton 

Edward  Sheldon 

Edward  Paulton 

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